Fuck off
(this is a test)
Fuck off.
Glad I got that out. Gratuitous
profanity.
Sure and why not? It's what separates the Internet
press from the Ben
Franklin hangersons. Only hitting dead center in
the bowl while
urinating gives me more pleasure.
I know what you're thinking.
You're
thinking there's got to be more to the Internet
than the freedom to use
profanity. What about the easy access to research
and information, the
multi-media graphics and sound, the interactivity?
Surely these
innovations must be the true opposing thumb of the
infotechnological
species.
Nope, not really. Bells and
whistles are
nice and all, but when it comes to the written
word the difference is
dick, or more specifically, fuck. You're just not
going to see the fuck
word used often or at all in People Magazine
or the New
York Times or even Rolling Stone.
You're also not going to
see me writing for them, either. Coincidence?
Hardly. We are the Internet, the only underground
left in the world.
And so I say... fuck off.
Fuck off to The National
Enquirer,
the Sonoma State Star, Wang In The
News and every other
little rag I ever wrote for. No more editors to
squelch me, no more
advertisers to kowtow to, no more income to spend
wantonly.
Sure and why not? So here's my
first
column, butt-assed naked before you, typed into
text by N. Trautwein,
uploaded to F. Graham, waved on through by L.
Johnston and then spread
fat and swollen on the mock-up pages of Nidada
like a drunk on
a flophouse bed. We'll tweak the style, crop the
photo, edit the bio,
bake the bread, clean the cages and scour the pans
until it's all
running like a well-oiled condom. After that we'll
have our grand
opening. When? Glad you asked.
WE'RE HAVING OUR GRAND OPENING
OCTOBER 9,
BECAUSE THE PUBLISHER'S BIRTHDAY IS OCTOBER 6 AND
SO IF WE OPEN ON THE
9TH, A THURSDAY, WE CAN REMEMBER IT BECAUSE WE CAN
GRATUITOUSLY USE 69
AS A MNEMONIC DEVICE.
BY THE WAY, IF YOU SEE ME TYPING
IN CAPS,
IT MEANS ONE OF TWO THINGS. I'M SCREAMING TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION OR THE
FUCKING KEYBOARD IS BROKEN AND THE CAPS LOCKED HAS
GONE BERSERK. SOME
PEOPLE GET VERY UPSET IF YOU TYPE IN CAPS ALL THE
TIME. THEY NEED
VICODIN.
* * *
I decided to call this column
"Fuck Off,"
just on the outside chance Nidada becomes
well known and I get
interviewed by some student journalist later on.
In the absence of
money, delusions of grandeur keep small
publications running. Here's
how I see the interview:
INTERVIEWER: (Hint: If you see "Interviewer" in
caps, that means the
interviewer is screaming and therefore gay. See
how it works?)
INTERVIEWER: What was the title of your first-ever
column in Nidada?.
Me: Fuck Off.
INTERVIEWER : And what was the very first line you
ever wrote for Nidada?.
Me: Fuck off.
End of interview.
* * *
Who says three dot journalism
died with
Herb Caen?
* * *
Although this is my first column,
questions have already trickled in from curious
readers. Apparently our
ads on the Psychic Web Page are paying off. I will
attempt to give your
queries the consideration they deserve.
Q:
Are you an internet expert?
A: No. In fact, I only know one thing about
the internet:
You can write almost anything in the world and get
away with it,
provided at the end you include a smiley face.
There are some
exceptions to this rule, however.
Example: You're an idiot cock-sucking moron and
your opinion
doesn't count for a rat's ass piece of shit around
here. :-)
Exception: Of course I'll baby-sit your
six-year-old. :-)
Q:
What does Nidada mean?
A: It's Spanish for "no dad," which of
course is symbolic.
Loosely translated, it means the lunatics are
running the asylum.
Q: Do
you believe in pornographic web sites?
A: No. That is, I believe they exist, but
I'm against the
use of pornographic web sites for two reasons.
First, they represent
the continuing decline of our moral and social
fabric, and second the
images are too small, too grainy and hardly worth
the download.
Q:
What do you see as the "next big thing" on the
internet?
A: The invention of the one-handed
mouse/keyboard
combination (see above).
Q:
Did you fuck Anita Hill?
A: I would never admit it if I did, for
then I'd have to
admit to attending Oral Roberts Law School.
Q:
Who gets more pussy, you or the publisher?
A: Definitely the publisher. He gets more
pussy than most
lesbians I know and they have proprietary access.
Q:
Are you a misogynist?
A: No, I'm a misanthrope. (Why does
everyone put
limitations on me?)
Q:
Dave Barry's funnier than you are and I subscribe
to the Miami Herald.
Why should I read your column?
A: Fuck off. Besides, rumor has it that I am
Dave
Barry writing under an assumed name just so I can
finally tell my
readers to fuck off.
Q:
What kind of computer do you use, Mac or PC?
A: I use a Mac clone, the Obsolete II by
UMAXDitUP, Inc.
Q:
What nationality are you?
A: I'm half Irish and half English. Every
year on my
birthday I send myself a letter bomb, but I'm
alive today because I
always recognize the handwriting.
Q:
How can I send mail to this column?
A: Send all e-mail to
column@mikejasper.com. Somewhere in
the subject heading include the words "ridicule
me."
Q:
How do you write your columns?
A: With a drink in one hand and a cigar in
the other.
Q:
Is it true you were once a real newspaper
reporter?
A: My background includes writing news,
features and
sports for the Marin Independent Journal,
the Cotati Clarion,
the Sebastopol Times & News and the
north bay bureau of
the San Francisco Chronicle so, no, I
never was a real
newspaper reporter.
Q:
Can anybody write for Nidada?
A: Apparently.
Q:
What do you think of your readers?
A: They're a bunch of idiot cocksucking
morons and their
opinions don't count for a rat's ass piece of shit
around here. :-)
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be
funny. If
you can read anything else into it, you're on your
own. Copyright 1997
by Mike Jasper.
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