Fuck off
(this is a test)
Fuck off.
Glad I got that out. Gratuitous profanity.
Sure and why not? It's what separates the internet press from the Ben
Franklin hangersons. Only hitting dead center in the bowl while
urinating gives me more pleasure.
I know what you're thinking. You're
thinking there's got to be more to the internet than the freedom to use
profanity. What about the easy access to research and information, the
multi-media graphics and sound, the interactivity? Surely these
innovations must be the true opposing thumb of the infotechnological
species.
Nope, not really. Bells and whistles are
nice and all, but when it comes to the written word the difference is
dick, or more specifically, fuck. You're just not going to see the fuck
word used often or at all in People Magazine or the New
York Times or even Rolling Stone. You're also not going to
see me writing for them, either. Coincidence? Hardly. We are the
internet, the only underground left in the world.
And so I say... fuck off.
Fuck off to The National Enquirer,
the Sonoma State Star, Wang In The News and every other
little rag I ever wrote for. No more editors to squelch me, no more
advertisers to kowtow to, no more income to spend wantonly.
Sure and why not? So here's my first
column, butt-assed naked before you, typed into text by N. Trautwein,
uploaded to F. Graham, waved on through by L. Johnston and then spread
fat and swollen on the mock-up pages of Nidada like a drunk on
a flophouse bed. We'll tweak the style, crop the photo, edit the bio,
bake the bread, clean the cages and scour the pans until it's all
running like a well-oiled condom. After that we'll have our grand
opening. When? Glad you asked.
WE'RE HAVING OUR GRAND OPENING OCTOBER 9,
BECAUSE THE PUBLISHER'S BIRTHDAY IS OCTOBER 6 AND SO IF WE OPEN ON THE
9TH, A THURSDAY, WE CAN REMEMBER IT BECAUSE WE CAN GRATUITOUSLY USE 69
AS A MNEMONIC DEVICE.
BY THE WAY, IF YOU SEE ME TYPING IN CAPS,
IT MEANS ONE OF TWO THINGS. I'M SCREAMING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION OR THE
FUCKING KEYBOARD IS BROKEN AND THE CAPS LOCKED HAS GONE BERSERK. SOME
PEOPLE GET VERY UPSET IF YOU TYPE IN CAPS ALL THE TIME. THEY NEED
VICODIN.
* * *
I decided to call this column "Fuck Off,"
just on the outside chance Nidada becomes well known and I get
interviewed by some student journalist later on. In the absence of
money, delusions of grandeur keep small publications running. Here's
how I see the interview:
INTERVIEWER: (Hint: If you see "Interviewer" in caps, that means the
interviewer is screaming and therefore gay. See how it works?)
INTERVIEWER: What was the title of your first ever column in Nidada?.
Me: Fuck Off.
INTERVIEWER : And what was the very first line you ever wrote for Nidada?.
Me: Fuck off.
End of interview.
* * *
Who says three dot journalism died with
Herb Caen?
* * *
Although this is my first column,
questions have already trickled in from curious readers. Apparently our
ads on the Psychic Web Page are paying off. I will attempt to give your
queries the consideration they deserve.
Q:
Are you an internet expert?
A: No. In fact, I only know one thing about the internet:
You can write almost anything in the world and get away with it,
provided at the end you include a smiley face. There are some
exceptions to this rule, however.
Example: You're an idiot cock-sucking moron and your opinion
doesn't count for a rat's ass piece of shit around here. :-)
Exception: Of course I'll baby-sit your six-year-old. :-)
Q:
What does Nidada mean?
A: It's Spanish for "no dad," which of course is symbolic.
Loosely translated, it means the lunatics are running the asylum.
Q: Do
you believe in pornographic web sites?
A: No. That is, I believe they exist, but I'm against the
use of pornographic web sites for two reasons. First, they represent
the continuing decline of our moral and social fabric, and second the
images are too small, too grainy and hardly worth the download.
Q:
What do you see as the "next big thing" on the internet?
A: The invention of the one-handed mouse/keyboard
combination (see above).
Q:
Did you fuck Anita Hill?
A: I would never admit it if I did, for then I'd have to
admit to attending Oral Roberts Law School.
Q:
Who gets more pussy, you or the publisher?
A: Definitely the publisher. He gets more pussy than most
lesbians I know and they have proprietary access.
Q:
Are you a misogynist?
A: No, I'm a misanthrope. (Why does everyone put
limitations on me?)
Q:
Dave Barry's funnier than you are and I subscribe to the Miami Herald.
Why should I read your column?
A: Fuck off. Besides, rumor has it that I am Dave
Barry writing under an assumed name just so I can finally tell my
readers to fuck off.
Q:
What kind of computer do you use, Mac or PC?
A: I use a Mac clone, the Obsolete II by UMAXDitUP, Inc.
Q:
What nationality are you?
A: I'm half Irish and half English. Every year on my
birthday I send myself a letter bomb, but I'm alive today because I
always recognize the handwriting.
Q:
How can I send mail to this column?
A: Send all e-mail to column@mikejasper.com. Somewhere in
the subject heading include the words "ridicule me."
Q:
How do you write your columns?
A: With a drink in one hand and a cigar in the other.
Q:
Is it true you were once a real newspaper reporter?
A: My background includes writing news, features and
sports for the Marin Independent Journal, the Cotati Clarion,
the Sebastopol Times & News and the north bay bureau of
the San Francisco Chronicle so, no, I never was a real
newspaper reporter.
Q:
Can anybody write for Nidada?
A: Apparently.
Q:
What do you think of your readers?
A: They're a bunch of idiot cocksucking morons and their
opinions don't count for a rat's ass piece of shit around here. :-)
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If
you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1997
by Mike Jasper.
|