I steal from the best
(my favorite American comedians)

This is column number 100. Triple digits, baby. Didn't think I'd make it this far did you? That's okay. I wasn't sure you'd hang in that long either.

Since it's an anniversary of sorts, I figure I can sculpt the keys into something a little unusual (no, Photoshop's not involved).

People write me and ask, "Who are your favorite writers? Are you into Bukowski? How about Vonnegut? Why do you continue to rip off Hunter Thompson?"

My standard answer: My favorite writers? Me, myself and I. Now fuck off. But that's me, Mr. Congeal.(That's right. I'm a malaprop comic.)

I'd rather be asked about comedians. I don't know if I'm a real writer (I sent away for the license, but so far nothing). I do think I'm a comedian, though, a write-down comedian as opposed to a stand-up comic.

So I'm going to pretend you asked about my...

Favorite American comedians of all time
(in no particular order)

Mark Twain

What? He's a writer not a comedian, right? I don't know. I think you can make a case for him being the country's first stand-up comedian (you could also make a similar case for Ben Franklin. A penny saved is a penny earned? That's a fuckin' riot).

Mark Twain used to do lectures at universities and such, so he did perform in front of audiences, albeit reading his own work. Here's some of his best one-liners.

"The bible has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies."

"A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me now, I would go to that man and take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet retired spot and kill him."

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

The Marx Brothers

I would love to be a combination of all brothers. Groucho for his wit, Harpo for his physical humor and Chico for his legendary womanizing. A story has it that Chico was introduced to Tallulah Bankhead, a rising actress in New York, and after listening to her politely for awhile he blurted out, "God, I'd love to fuck you."

Bankhead laughed and said, "And so you shall, you old-fashioned boy."

Another overlooked fact: Harpo was a member of the Algonquin Roundtable (literally a table in the Algonquin Hotel in New York) with the likes of Dorothy Parker and Robert Benchley. Once Harpo said... naw, I better not tell you.

Of course, the best lines belong to Groucho (who wanted to be a writer, ironically enough).

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."

W.C. Fields

I don't really have to explain why I like him, do I?

"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch."

W.C.: "Bartender, did I spend $100 in this bar last night ?"

Bartender: "You sure did."

W.C. replies: "Good, I thought I lost it."

"Yes, I'm drunk. But you're crazy. Tomorrow morning, I'll be sober. But you'll still be crazy."

Mae West

When I was a kid in L.A., Mae West was still alive and owned a house in the Hollywood Hills. I tried to find out where she lived, but only halfheartedly. Too bad, cause I would have loved to have met her.

"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have the right partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before."

"A hard man is good to find."

George Carlin

Because he couldn't get a sitcom or a movie career going, Carlin's been forced to do what he does best -- stand-up comedy. And despite his TV commercial for some long-distance phone scam, he's remained true to his anti-establishment roots. He's been the best for the longest. Not dying has its advantages.

Now he's on the Web at georgecarlin.com, employing the same seven words that got him kicked out of Vegas way back when.(Warning: he pulls pranks at his site. You might crash your browser.)

"America loves to start wars, but only against brown-skinned people. Asians, Middle Easterns, Hispanics. The only exception was Germany, but that's because they started two wars. That's our fuckin' job, man, that's our fuckin' job."

"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?"

 

"We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."

Lenny Bruce

Jailed for saying words I print on my Web site every week, Bruce remains an inspiration to modern-day comics, from George Carlin to Chris Rock. Although drugs and paranoia (not entirely unfounded, mind you) robbed him of his comedic skills in the end, he was more than just a champion for freedom of speech.

"There's nothing sadder than an aging hipster."

 

"I don't know about you, but I enjoy the way our tax money is being spent to arrest, indict, convict, imprison, parole, and re-imprison marijuana smokers. I'd just piss it all away on beer anyway."

"When I got divorced, a couple of major magazines asked me -- five years later -- the dumb question: 'What happened to your marriage?'

'What happened to my marriage? It was broken up by my mother-in-law.'

And the reporter laughed, 'Mother-in-law? Ha, ha, ha. What happened?'

'My wife came home from work early and she found us in bed together."

'In bed? That's perverse!'

'Why? It was her mother not mine.'"

"So guys, say you get a choice to marry one of two girls. The first one is black and the other is white. Same economic status, but one is black, the other white. Now, what if I were to tell you the white woman is Kate Smith and the black woman is Lena Horne. I see. Race isn't really an issue right now, is it?"

David Letterman

Before I praise Letterman, let me tell you something about Jay Leno you might not know: He used to be one of the best stand-up comics in the '70s. Could kick Letterman's ass all night long. Letterman found his niche in television, but Leno lost his groove completely. Last week, I heard Leno do the old joke, "An outhouse exploded during the construction of a police station. Officers have nothing to go on."

Sad.

I like Letterman. Letterman's mugging, his pranks, his lists, and his way of bringing the audience (or the people on the streets in New York) into the act is pure genius. Unfortunately he's been on the air for so damn long we're used to all his tricks.

Steven Wright

Probably the funniest clean comic ever, although I'd listen to arguments for Bill Cosby and Groucho. But he's so off-the-wall and dead-pan sharp, I can forgive his lack of profanity.

The Internet is littered with his jokes, but I'll give you three.

"I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious."

"I put instant coffee into a microwave and almost went back in time."

"I wrote a few children's books. Not on purpose."

Dennis Miller

I can't watch Miller too much, cause I have a tendency to start mimicking him and picking up his tricks. That's why I could never do stand-up comedy, since I'd likely imitate him and the audience would pick up on it and everyone would feel as uncomfortable as Michael Jackson at a bris.

His rants are excellent.

Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, Steve Martin, Sam Kinison, Paul Rodriguez, Woody Allen, Albert Brooks, Andy Kaufman and Bill Maher.

This is starting to get out of hand. Of course they are all brilliant, but I wasn't able to find any quotes from them on the Web and my mind has started to succumb to the early celebrating of my 100th column, assuming I make it.

I'll do two more and excuse myself.

Chris Rock

Right now, he's the man. He's the funniest guy on the planet. Cutting edge beyond belief. I'm not sure I can quote him without getting my ass kicked. But I'll try.

"Who's more prejudiced, white people or black people? Black people. Cause we hate white people and we hate niggers."

 

"Women are like the police. They may have all the evidence in the world that you were cheating on them, but they want the confession."

"A man is basically as faithful as his options."

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks is my favorite stand-up comic. Originally from Houston, Texas, he was discovered by the late Sam Kinison and whisked away to Los Angeles while still in his teens. After years of drinking, drugging and searching for God, he got his act together in the late '80s and outshined all other comics during the early '90s until his death from pancreatic cancer at age 32 in 1994.

Although revered in the United Kingdom, he never got the recognition he deserved in the States, despite numerous appearances on Late Night with David Letterman.

Some of you probably don't know who Bill Hicks is. You should. I rarely put links into the body of my column, but I will for Bill Hicks.

"One of my big fears in life is that I'm going to die and my parents are going to have to clear out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on for years. There'll be more than one funeral that day."

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

 

"I believe there's a commonality to all humanity. We all suck."

"It's kind of cruel going up to smokers and coughing at them. Do you go up to cripples dancing too, like 'Hey Mr. Wheelchair, what's your problem?'"

"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death. Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves... Here's Tom with the weather."

"Let me tell you something, children are smarter than any of us. You know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full-time job and children. Yeah, quick these kids. They're fuckin' quick."

Them Others

I love comedians, I have to admit. I'm an easy touch. You could seat me in the Friar's Club between Rip Taylor and Jerry Lewis and I'd be in heaven.

Speaking of Jerry Lewis, you might have noticed a lack of women on the list. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Elaine Boosler was killer when she was young, rebellious and slightly hostile. Now she's giddy. She's Glade commercial giddy. Or whatever she's hawking.

I love Janeane Garofalo's attitude and style, but why did she wing her HBO special last year? She didn't even try. Whereas, I spent 7 hours on this column. One hour to write it, another six hours to look up the correct spelling of J.G's fuckin' name.

What about Lucille Ball? Too damn annoying. Same with Joan Rivers. But I probably should have included Phyllis Diller for her work in the '60s.

Moving on to lesbians, Ellen DeGeneres is much better now that she's living it real, but we still have to play "let's pretend Paula Poundstone isn't a lesbian." (By the way, she was just excellent on the Dobie Gillis show.) We have to play the same game with Rosie O'Donnell. I find that annoying as well.

Me? I like my lesbian.

Mary Carouba

Sure, I produce her CDs, but I do that because she's good. (One example and I'm out of here.) In this next bit, Mary describes how she came out to her elderly Arabic Aunt Lillie.

Mary: Aunt Lillie, I'm a lesbian.

Aunt Lillie: What is this lesbian? What is this gay? I always thought you would marry a doctor or a lawyer.

Mary: Aunt Lillie, my new girlfriend is a doctor.

Aunt Lillie: Oh. (Pause.) What you are going to do? You love who you love.

Okay, one more line, my own. Unfortunately, nobody really likes this line except me, but so what. It's my 100th column, I have a right to indulge myself. I want someone to scream this line at Tiger Woods during the British Open. I've got nothing against Tiger Woods, I just want to make sure there's a large audience.

"Use your niblick, ya fookin'lassie!"

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.