Mick Jagger's on OUR side
I was trying to watch the 49ers play the
Kansas City Chiefs at the Wherehouse, a sports bar next to a
strip joint in Austin, Texas. The only seat I could get was between
two Chiefs' fans. One of them brought a ten-year-old to the bar.
I can only hope it was his son.
I fucking hate that.
I don't believe ten-year-olds should be
in a bar, game or no game. One reason: they run the risk of running
into someone like me. I sat there fuming (I think the Niners
were behind 148-3 at that point). Finally, I saw a small table
open up. Time to change seats. Before leaving, I turned to the
asshole with the kid (who looked like he should be pictured on
a milk carton) and spat, "Yeah, but Kansas City will fold
in the play-offs. They always do."
And they did.
What's the deal with Marty Shottenheimer?
Everything he does is wrong. He picks Elvis for quarterback (wrong).
He tries a fake punt (wrong). He gets home-field advantage (wrong).
He doesn't make bad decisions. He just makes the wrong ones.
Too bad. When they're not playing the
Niners, I like the Chiefs. They've got Marcus Allen, who's still
a Raider in my mind. They used to have Joe Montana, and now Elvis.
It's like a repository for ex-Californians. What's not to love?
So... I didn't really want the Chiefs
to fold. But they did. I'm right. Marty's wrong.
Enough said.
Yep, this is my annual football article.
Just in time for the NFC playoffs. I wanted to make sure to have
it out by then, so that when I make my predictions everyone will
know it wasn't rigged.
Pittsburgh will beat Denver and go to
the Super Bowl for the AFC. And what about the NFC Championship?
Will it be the San Francisco 49ers or the Green Bay Packers?
I don't fucking know.
I looked at the line today. The Niners
are favored by one point. That's sensible. The one-point edge
comes from San Francisco's home field advantage (everyone knows
who would win the game if it were played in Green Bay). Otherwise,
all is equal. Both teams flaunt 14-3 records. Both teams have
suffered one stupid loss -- the Niners to Kansas City and the
Packers to the Colts. Both teams boast excellent defenses. Both
teams sport Pro Bowl quarterbacks. Both teams... fuck it, I'm
running out of verbs.
Both teams are better than Pittsburgh,
that's for goddamn sure.
Of course, the Niners have The Stat working
for them. The Stat could provide the wining mojo in the long
run. Forget your injury reports, and your Xs and Os. Forget about
such nonsense as Mike Holmgren once being with the 49ers and
Steve Mariucci once being with the Packers. All that is meaningless
bar talk when compared to The Stat.
The Stat? It's simple. WHEN THE ROLLING
STONES TOUR THE U.S., THE 49ERS WIN THE SUPER BOWL. It's happened
every time since 1981.
I know what some of you are thinking.
"But wait, the Rolling Stones toured LAST year, and the
Super Bowl is THIS year."
Don't trivialize this, please. Don't bend
The Stat to your own whimsy. It's the regular season, bubba.
That's the indicator.
God may be on Green Bay's side. Mick Jagger's
on ours.
Then, of course, there's the Jasper Stat,
which is ancillary to The Stat. The Jasper Stat? Mike Jasper
never remains sober in any year the 49ers win the Super Bowl.
(Unlike The Stat, this one is a post-season phenomenon.)
What does this all mean? Hell if I know.
Stats can lie and stats can die. And some stats just fade away,
like an old picture sitting in the sun. I thought I had this
season nailed. I was $4,000 ahead on my football bets (all hypothetical,
of course) when one day I lost it all.
Somehow the Raiders, Cowboys and Colts
all managed to win. Go figure stats.
So I can't tell you which team is going
to win on Sunday. And I can't even tell you which team will win
the Super Bowl (helpful hint: lean toward the NFC). But I can
tell you this.
I feel a drunk coming on.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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