Mick Jagger's on OUR side
I was trying to watch the 49ers
play the Kansas City Chiefs at the Wherehouse, a
sports bar next to a strip joint in Austin, Texas.
The only seat I could get was between two Chiefs'
fans. One of them brought a ten-year-old to the
bar. I can only hope it was his son.
I fucking hate that.
I don't believe ten-year-olds
should be in a bar, game or no game. One reason:
they run the risk of running into someone like me.
I sat there fuming (I think the Niners were behind
148-3 at that point). Finally, I saw a small table
open up. Time to change seats. Before leaving, I
turned to the asshole with the kid (who looked
like he should be pictured on a milk carton) and
spat, "Kansas City will fold in the play-offs.
They always do."
And they did.
What's the deal with Marty
Shottenheimer? Everything he does is wrong. He
picks Elvis for quarterback (wrong). He tries a
fake punt (wrong). He gets home-field advantage
(wrong). He doesn't make bad decisions. He just
makes the wrong ones.
Too bad. When they're not playing
the Niners, I like the Chiefs. They've got Marcus
Allen, who's still a Raider in my mind. They used
to have Joe Montana, and now Elvis. It's like a
repository for ex-Californians. What's not to
love?
So... I didn't really want the
Chiefs to fold. But they did. I'm right. Marty's
wrong.
Enough said.
Yep, this is my annual football
article. Just in time for the NFC playoffs. I
wanted to make sure to have it out by then, so
that when I make my predictions everyone will know
it wasn't rigged.
Pittsburgh will beat Denver and
go to the Super Bowl for the AFC. And what about
the NFC Championship? Will it be the San Francisco
49ers or the Green Bay Packers?
I don't fucking know.
I looked at the line today. The
Niners are favored by one point. That's sensible.
The one-point edge comes from San Francisco's home
field advantage (everyone knows who would win the
game if it were played in Green Bay). Otherwise,
all is equal. Both teams flaunt 14-3 records. Both
teams have suffered one stupid loss -- the Niners
to Kansas City and the Packers to the Colts. Both
teams boast excellent defenses. Both teams sport
Pro Bowl quarterbacks. Both teams... fuck it, I'm
running out of verbs.
Both teams are better than
Pittsburgh, that's for goddamn sure.
Of course, the Niners have The
Stat working for them. The Stat could provide the
wining mojo in the long run. Forget your injury
reports, and your Xs and Os. Forget about such
nonsense as Mike Holmgren once being with the
49ers and Steve Mariucci once being with the
Packers. All that is meaningless bar talk when
compared to The Stat.
The Stat? It's simple. WHEN THE
ROLLING STONES TOUR THE U.S., THE 49ERS WIN THE
SUPER BOWL. It's happened every time since 1981.
I know what some of you are
thinking. "But wait, the Rolling Stones toured
LAST year, and the Super Bowl is THIS year."
Don't trivialize this, please.
Don't bend The Stat to your own whimsy. It's the
regular season, bubba. That's the indicator.
God may be on Green Bay's side,
but Mick Jagger's on ours.
Then, of course, there's the
Jasper Stat, which is ancillary to The Stat. The
Jasper Stat? Mike Jasper never remains sober in
any year the 49ers win the Super Bowl. (Unlike The
Stat, this one is a post-season phenomenon.)
What does this all mean? Hell if
I know. Stats can lie and stats can die. And some
stats just fade away, like an old picture sitting
in the sun. I thought I had this season nailed. I
was $4,000 ahead on my football bets (all
hypothetical, of course) when one day I lost it
all.
Somehow the Raiders, Cowboys and
Colts all managed to win. Go figure stats.
So I can't tell you which team is
going to win on Sunday. And I can't even tell you
which team will win the Super Bowl (helpful hint:
lean toward the NFC). But I can tell you this.
I feel a drunk coming on.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be
funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're
on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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