Hey everybody, I'm a lesbian now
Ellen Degeneres is gay. So is Elton John.
Who's gonna come out next, Liberace? Neil Sadaka? Jane Hathaway?
Big fucking deal. Here's what I want to
know: Who in the fuck thought Ellen and Elton were straight?
Those are the people that scare the bejesus out of me. I knew
Elton was gay before Elton did.
"After my marriage I knew something
wasn't right with me," Elton once said in an interview.
Really? When did it hit you? When you were sucking tits and imagining
cocks in your mouth? (Hot tip: Straight guys don't do this. We
suck tits and imagine other women's tits in our mouths.)
I'm sorry, but you're going to have to
get a better outing for me to pay attention. How about Clint
Eastwood jerking off a horse? Run that on page one of the Post
if you want to amaze me. (Another hot tip: Michael Flatley, circa
2010 -- "I guess I was fucking all those women because I
was in denial about being a faggot river dancer." By the
way, don't bitch at me for using the word "faggot."
Those were Flatley's words, not mine.)
I guess I'm thinking about this lately
because I was having an internet conversation with my old friend
Michael D. when he confirmed that Mary G. had recently announced
that she was coming out as a lesbian.
What the fuck? There should be a party.
A big soiree with pictures splashed on the society pages. "Mary
G. comes out!" On the opposite page, a picture of me, baseball
cap tilted, cigar hanging out of my mouth and a perplexed look
on my face with the caption, "Wait a minute... I fucked
her!"
I met Mary G. in acting class, Joan Lee
LaSalle's Principles of Acting 1A. I got to tell you -- nobody
fakes an orgasm like a lesbian actress. Mary G. and the G. stood
for great, as in G., when you were sucking my dick it really
seemed believable.
I can imagine how she's rationalizing
her past now. Too bad I can't interview her. Or can I?
And that's what pisses me off. I finally
fuck a lesbian and nobody tells me.
Actually, that isn't quite true. I did
fuck an ex-lesbian. I always wondered about that, but I never
asked.
Q:
Why did you go from women to me?
A: Because your cock reminds me of Amanda Gurlick's clit.
Don't ask boys, don't ever fucking ask.
Her name was Dawn. She was blond and about
4'10" and used to be in the Oakland motorcycle club Dykes
on Bikes. She made rattles out of kelp. I still have one of these
rattles. It's long, black, has a purple crystal on the tip and
a big black kelpy bulb at the bottom. She sells them to kids.
Turn them upside down and you can sell them to moms.
So there you have it. One turns lesbian,
another turns straight. I think I know why. When someone's going
down on you, close your eyes. Never keep your eyes open, or pretty
soon you start to think, "Hey... that looks good. I want
some." It's human nature.
Again I ask, whatever happened to bisexuality?
I can understand bisexuality. That's just a way to double your
odds of getting laid. But to change horses in midstream, I don't
know. And I don't care.
Cause I'm a lesbian now. I'm not kidding.
I wear combat boots, smoke cigars, got short hair, lick pussy
and I never, ever fuck (unless it's with a strap-on).
Only problem is... flannel makes me itch.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
|