Billy got head and I don't care
I'm feeling jovial, almost jocund.
I love that line. I've used it several
times. Stole it from Mark Twain. But you didn't know that till
now, did you? Do you forgive me?
Of course you do. Just as you forgive
Bill Clinton. And do you know why? It's not because "The
Union is strong," although that doesn't hurt. And it's not
because you don't believe he got a lip lock in the oval office.
You fucking know he did.
It's because this time, finally, he dallied
with a woman that didn't look like the runner-up for the Wicked
Witch role in the Shady Grove Trailer Park production of Wizard
Of Oz.
Then again, maybe it's the economy...
stupid.
Or maybe not. Personally, I wouldn't fuck
Monica. But I'd pretty much accept a blow job from anyone, if
they asked politely.
The president's sexual excursion with
an intern just doesn't matter. It's like this. Say you've got
two doctors. One of them is a highly competent, award-winning
surgeon who also happens to be a certified sex maniac. The other
is a rigidly moral but unfortunately inept medical practitioner
who couldn't diagnose inbreeding at the Arkansas State Fair.
Who do you pick? The first guy, right?
Not necessarily. If the first guy's a
gay proctologist, you might want to take your chances with Mr.
Fuckup.
The thing is, sometimes sexual proclivities
matter and sometimes they don't. Hey, it's not like Billy fondled
the neighbor kid and then swallowed the gun. He got a blow-job
from an intern (at least according to the video circulating on
the internet) so what's the big deal?
It ain't Clinton, I can tell you that.
I've got a confession to make. I was lying
about seeing the video of Clinton on the internet. Are you going
to stop reading my column? Are you shocked that I would lie in
print? Or is this just what you would expect from someone who
predicted San Francisco and Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl?
Truth is: you don't care. I didn't cost
you your job, I didn't get you involved in a war, I didn't have
sex with YOUR old lady (I'm guessing) and I didn't do anything
more than what Bill Clinton is doing -- providing us with amusing
copy for the daily grind.
But wait! What about Nixon? He lied to
us. He covered up. Shouldn't Bill be treated the same as Nixon?
Shouldn't Bill be impeached, just like Nixon?
I think not. For two reasons:
- 1) Nixon looked like a crook and we always
wanted to catch him at something.
-
- 2) As far as I know, Billy didn't tape
the damn thing. If he did, you can bet they'd be burning the
Memorex in the old James Monroe fireplace about now.
Bill just isn't as stupid as Nixon. Nixon
didn't have the experience in cover-ups the way Billy does. Nixon
didn't go around fucking women behind Pat's back. He fucked the
country in full view.
Can you imagine Nixon having an affair?
You can? Eeeewwwwwww. Actually, it's too bad he didn't. Would
have given the name Tricky Dick a whole new respect.
I know. Some of you think I'm missing
the point. "He lied to us. It's not the blow job in the
Oval Office, it's the fact he lied to us."
Get real. If lies bother you than blow
jobs scare the living shit out you. I could lie before I could
walk. Besides, we WANT a president who lies. George Washington
couldn't tell a lie. And then one night he got drunk with Benedict
Arnold. Lies are what keep us together, as a nation and as a
family.
"You look as good as the day I first
met you... honey." Again, it's not the lies, it's Bill living
out the things you can only fantasize about that bothers you.
Despite all the coverage of Bill and Monica,
the press has failed to follow-up one of the most intriguing
angles to the story. To wit, who is Hillary fucking? That's what
we really want to know. She's had to have gotten even somewhere
down the line. It's not like Bill's meandering hasn't been going
on for years. He didn't just wake up one day and say, "Hey,
I'm president. Think I'll fuck around." Hell no. He woke
up one day and said, "I've been married three fucking months
now. Think I'll fuck around."
One thing you can bet on. Whoever Hillary
is banging has got to look better in a dress than Paula Jones.
Which brings me back to Monica. When I
first got wind of the story, the first thing I thought was, "Well,
she's not bad looking. Bill's improving. I see growth. I see
a lot of growth there."
This could never happen to someone like
me, by the way. First, who would ever elect me? Second, who would
ever fuck me? Okay, my girlfriend, but you see (and I mean this
only in the most hypothetical way, because I would never, ever
fool around on my girlfriend just as I would never, ever run
for public office) we all have a chance to learn something from
this national soap opera, something meaningful and yet practical.
It's like this: Boys, if you're going
to fool around on your wife and you don't want the women to squeal
on you, then you've got to lick pussy. Forget fucking, forget
head, just... lick... pussy. No jury on earth will ever convict
you.
(FEMALE INTERN, FACING A HORDE OF REPORTERS):
"I'm here to tell the media and the American people that
the President of the United States of America licked my twat."
There's only a couple of follow-ups to
that one.
One is: "And?"
The other is: "Did you come?"
Believe it. You've heard many things in
the media and the talk shows. You've heard of brothers fucking
the same women, only for Jerry Sprenger to later reveal it was
their own mother. You've heard about dicks being cut off and
taken for joy rides. You heard about rape, incest and O.J. But
you've never heard, "It was terrible. He broke into my house,
tied me to the bed and licked me for hours."
And unless there's a German Shepherd involved,
you ain't never gonna hear that either.
"Women who have been licked against
their will: Today's focus on Geraldo.
No... I don't think so.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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