After I receive my degree...
I willingly took bonehead English in college.
Economics dictated my decision. I could either pay $20 to take
an essay exam at Santa Rosa Junior College or I could earn $210
a month on the G.I. bill by taking remedial English during summer
school. I decided to get my money for nothin' and my chicks for
free.
Life often comes full circle.
Two weeks ago, I worked my steady but
infrequent job at The Company That Grades College Essay Exams.
We grade the exams used to determine whether a student needs
to take bonehead English. Since we're all sworn to secrecy, I
can't tell you the name of the company, but I can tell you the
name of the exam. It's called the TASP, which stands for Teachers
Annoying Students Periodically. I think.
I was washing up in the men's room at
work when Dan -- one of the few people I talk to on the job --
walked in.
"Sorry I haven't been very social,
I'm just tweaking about this week's column," I said. "I've
got five ideas spinning in my head, but I can't get any depth."
"Oh," he quipped. "And
I guess I'm supposed to say, 'Since when has any of your columns
required any depth?'"
Fair enough. After all, he's a published
author and I'm not. Dan wrote a book about the internet, which
I think is called, "HEY EVERYBODY, I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT
THE INTERNET!" I borrowed the book from him and I've got
to say it... is... deep. You'll find it at your local bookstore
wedged between Faulkner and Joyce.
I wasn't really offended. I knew that
I'd soon be broadcasting his quote over the internet AND I knew
that I finally had an angle for my column. Why not write about
this weird yet strangely fulfilling job of mine?
To become a TASP test scorer, you need
to have an English degree (believe it or not) and teaching experience.
Fortunately, my year teaching bonehead English at Sonoma State
University qualified me to destroy young lives. It takes a village
to raise a child, but it only takes a couple of evil fucks with
a #2 pencil to ruin him forever.
We score the essays on a scale of one
to five. An essay earning a one would be pretty much illiterate,
while a score of five would likely be better than anything I
could write on a first draft. Let me give you an example of an
essay earning a score of two. Here's the essay prompt:
- Who would you invite to speak at your
school and why? How would the students benefit from the speaker's
message? If the speaker were an author of a book about the internet,
what would you do to prevent another Jonestown?
-
- Dear Insturctor,
- In this great country of the United States
of America, we are faced at our college with the task of bringing
a speaker to speak for the benefits of the students. Many people
like artists, entertainers, comedians, talk show hosts, Michael
Jordon, Jesus and other industry leaders would qualify. But I
offer to you one that rises above all: Magic's Johnson.
- Althoug suffering from the dreaded AIDS,
Magic's Johnson is still impressive. He's a community leader
and looked up to, not because of his size but because of all
the good things Magic's Johnson has done.
- True, he became famous on the basketball
court, but he's also done charity work. Magic's Johnson has reached
out to the community and its time for us to extend a hand. Because
of his success, on and off the court, he will inspire students
of all races and ages, even busness majors that usually don't
attend these speakings. He will be well recieved.
- (I must stop my writing now to tell you.
A student taking this test keeps looking over at my paper. His
name is Hector. He should be punish.)
- I beleave the appearance of Magic's Johnson
could change student's lives forever. I know just to get a glimpse
would change mine. I vote for Magic's Johnson for guest speaker.
I hope you join me in this effort and that I have convinced you
to pull for Magic's Johnson at our school.
- Sincerely,
- Pablo Rabinowitz
I don't know why, but we get a lot of
essays written as letters. English teachers must tell them, "Write
the essay as if you were writing a letter to the editor"
or some such tripe. While the above composite piece (no, it's
not an actual essay) is slightly exaggerated, here are some real
examples. THESE EXAMPLES ARE SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL, SO PLEASE
KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF.
"Dr. L. was a colonel in the U.S.
Marine Corporation." (For chrissakes Herman, you need to
divest yourself of that crummy USMC stock.)
"I think he should be the guess speaker."
(I kind of like this one. Haven't you been to a lecture and thought,
"Who the fuck is this guy talking?")
"He's very family oriental."
(Sure, I'm a regular Joe. But when I'm home with the wife and
kids, I like to think of myself as Chinese.)
"He can hold his composer."
("Look, I've got Beethoven by the nuts." OR "No
more Mozart for me, please, I'm driving.)
"His voice is not only audible, it's
convincing." (As opposed to those wholly unpersuasive deaf
people.)
"This leads to attention deficate
disorder." (I'm so distracted I could just shit.)
"Not all college students come from
a well-endowed family." (But mine were featured in Big-uns.)
"Sometimes her parents can't get
off." (And that's just sad.)
"All works and no plays make Jack
becoming dull." (I heard that.)
"Guess speakers" chosen by the
students varied, but Michael Jordan and Oprah Winfrey clearly
dominated the field. Others included Olympic wrestler Dan Gable,
David Crosby ("He overcame drugs, he'd be an inspiration..."),
Dennis Miller and, believe it or not, Reggie White from the Green
Bay Packers. In fairness, the student wrote about Reggie White
in February, long before he made his wonderfully racial comments
to the Wisconsin State Legislature. You remember. He was trying
to describe America as a patchwork quilt -- where racial differences
were celebrated rather than denied -- but his words came out
wrong.
"If it weren't for the Mexicans,"
Reggie said, "the laundromat industry would be broke."
He also said, "We have the Japanese to thank for the expanded
awareness of the photo op."
Well, I think that's what he said. The
capper, though, was when he attacked the so-called Sodomites.
"Homosexuals are evil and go against the Lord's plan,"
Reggie said. "And anyone who doesn't agree can suck my dick."
Yeah. Reggie White would make a GREAT
speaker, especially at Sarah Lawrence College or Vassar.
A few of the student essays have been
forever burned into my brain. One piece described a local hero
who had triumphed over drugs and emerged from rehab ready to
seek a college degree so he could pursue his dream of becoming
a newspaper reporter. Give me a fucking break. I went to college
and became a newspaper reporter and I couldn't have done it without
drugs. I wouldn't have even WANTED to do it without drugs.
Another essay praised the accomplishments
of one Boris Roundbottom, a fictional character created by the
writer for the purposes of the exam. Roundbottom was known, among
other things, for advocating procreation among grandparents.
Amazingly, the essay scored a grade of three, not bad considering
the writer essentially said, "Fuck you and your fucking
little test."
My all-time favorite was a miserably failing
essay. In this gem, the writer recommends his own college professor
as guest speaker. To show his sincerity, he jots down the professor's
phone number as well as his OWN phone number IN THE ESSAY. No
kidding. Area code included. He couldn't write and the essay
scored a one, but you had to admire his moxie.
The essay was so bad, it was used as an
example of pitifulness and discussed by the group at length.
"I'm trying to read this and I can't
quite figure out what he means," one scorer said. "What
exactly do the initials ASFC stand for?"
"What the hell, let's call him up,"
I blurted out.
Here's my advice to students taking the
TASP test:
- 1) Lie like a dog. ("Attendance
records show a 77% increase in turnout for a celebrity speaker
when compared to a relatively unknown speaker." Nobody's
going to check your facts
-
- 2) Baffle them with bullshit. (Similar
to above, but more bulk. The difference between a score of two
and a score of three can often mean MORE WORDS.)
-
- 3) Not too much though. ("Bill Cosby
is not just a TV star, he's also a pediatrician." Really?
What a busy guy. How does he make room for Jello?)
I have a message for every English teacher
working with students who are faced with this test. Inspire them,
enlighten them, and encourage them if you must. But at least
teach them how to spell the word receive. If I see it spelled
recieve one more time, it's going to stick that way.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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