Drudge in the media
"Freedom of the press belongs to those who
own one." --- A.J. Liebling
What can you say about Matt Drudge that
hasn't been said before? Wait, I know:
Matt Drudge Is A Screaming Queen!!!
(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Probably not. I've only seen him once
-- on ABC's Politically Incorrect -- but he was wearing a homosexual
hat. You can tell.
Man, did he get the shit kicked out of
him on P.I. or what? Bill Maher gave him the Lloyd Bentson treatment.
"I knew Edward R. Murrow," Maher
said. "I worked with Edward R. Murrow. Edward R. Murrow
was a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Edward R. Murrow."
Earlier on, Maher "chinned"
him. Ever notice that? Whenever Bill Maher makes a strong point,
he locks onto his opponent (formerly his guest), cocks his head
back and thrusts his chin out like he's aiming a snub-nosed pistol
at a burglar. Very William F. Buckley.
At that point, ladies and gentlemen, you're
what we politically incorrect people like to call... fucked.
All right, so I'm exaggerating. This is
what Maher really said: "Matt, truth is something Edward
R. Murrow looked for. You print rumors and call it truth."
After that, Drudge started to look a little
Quaylish, especially when he leaned over to Edie McClurg and
whispered, "Quick. How do you spell potato?"
Okay, so he didn't do that either. Who
cares? I write for the fucking Internet. If you came here looking
for truth, then you need to hear this truth: any moron can write
a column on the Web. Believe me, I know.
Here's a true story: At one point during
the broadcast, Drudge -- feeling his oats and looking a little
cocky -- defended his news stories from Maher's criticisms and
predicted that someday, "... we're gonna watch some of your
old shows and we're gonna sit back and laugh."
Maher said, "I hope so."
Listen up Drudge. Maher is no Edward R.
Murrow either. He's a comedian and a talk show host. He actually
goes for laughs. You must have him confused with that other funny
guy, Sam Donaldson.
But Drudge never really caught the spirit
of Politically Incorrect. The show strives to emulate the lively
and topical conversation of a well-attended cocktail party. Drudge
acted like he was on Crossfire.
Still, the question needs to be asked:
Is Matt Drudge a real reporter? You bet your bird-cage liner
he is. He's trying to bring you the honest-to-god unbiased facts
as he collects them -- accurate, thorough, and delivered at the
speed of silicon. Well, that's what he's trying to do.
Have you ever heard of Matt Drudge? No?
Well, Drudge is the guy who broke the Monica Lewinsky story.
Ohhhhhhhhhh. So he's the fuckin' guy.
NEW WATERGATE PROBE SHOWS NIXON ACTED
ALONE!!!!
(Those crazy conspiracy theorists.)
Yeah, that's the guy all right. And with
nothing more than a computer, a Web site, a telephone and that
stupid, fucking hat, he is stirring the shit big time.
Many members of the main stream media
deride Drudge and say he's not a reporter at all, merely a rumor
monger. They might have a point. I recently read an article about
him where he admitted that he has no vices whatsoever. Drudge
doesn't smoke, drink, take drugs or gamble. What kind of fuckin'
reporter is that?
Not the reporter I used to be, that's
for sure. I was a hard-drinking, chain-smoking, trench-coat-wearing
sonofabitch who wasn't afraid to ask the hard questions.
"Congressman Bosco. What's the square
root of 2,347?"
But I eventually got out of journalism
so I could write. Not Drudge. He just wanted to get into the
game. Before finding his niche in the news, Drudge, who never
went to college, drifted from job to job in New York City. He
had little education and no great writing skills, but he was
pushy, defensive, ambitious and bullheaded. He also wore a hat.
It's kind of amazing he didn't wind up
at the San Francisco Chronicle.
Drudge moved from New York to Los Angeles
and got a job at the CBS gift shop, the gateway to stardom. At
the gift shop, he collected snippets of dirt on the stars while
he hocked his wares. Soon he started a gossip newsletter, which
he distributed the old fashioned way: posting to Usenet news
groups. As his following grew, he turned to more serious topics
and the Drudge Report was born. After a couple of years of diligent
work, his Web site column averaged about, oh, two million hits
a day.
Prove me wrong.
One day Steve Case, the owner of America
OnLine, was slapping his pony through the news groups when he
came upon Drudge and his Web site. Impressed, Case offered the
burgeoning journalist $3,000 a month just to have his Web site
included as an AOL Keyword. Drudge has since been proclaimed
by Playboy Magazine as the "first star of the Internet"
and has appeared as a guest on Nightline, Politically Incorrect
and Meet The Press. He was last month's Playboy interview and
recently Fox News Network offered him his own show.
You might be thinking what I'm thinking:
Fucking-goddamn-sonofabitch. Get your money for nothin' and your
chicks for free.
I can tell you one thing, boys and girls:
America OnLine ain't never gonna throw wads of cash my way. And
you know the fuck why.
RUSH LIMBAUGH IS A BIG, FAT, STUPID
IDIOT!!!
(Damn... I think I stole this one.)
Three thousand dollars a month? Maybe
I should get back into the news biz. The more I reread that Playboy
interview the more I thought, "I can be a serious journalist,
fuck yeah."
What is a serious journalist anyway? Is
it a Pulitzer Prize winner? How about that Pulitzer winner Peter
Arnett at CNN? Lately, he's been as accurate as a SCUD missile
at a skeet shoot, thanks to his bogus nerve gas story. And what
was his excuse? "I only reads the news," he said. Sure,
why not? Maybe after you've had your ass bombed in Baghdad and
your Johnson fragged in Nam, it's time to kick back and read
whatever script is yanked your way. Who needs another Pulitzer
anyway?
How about Ted Koppel? He's the real thing,
right? Not only is he the anchor and managing editor of Nightline,
he's a fucking Stanford grad. Yet, despite those credentials,
I once saw him on a national TV forum that included the editor
of the National Enquirer. That's like attending a barbecue with
Jeffrey Dahmer. It doesn't matter what they're serving, bubba,
it's wrong, wrong, wrong.
Again I ask: is Drudge for real? Believe
it. He works his sources, tracks leads, pounds copy on a keyboard
and gets the news out faster than any of the so-called mass media
-- TV, radio, newspapers, hair salons. True, he may not be the
next Edward R. Murrow, but I don't see any other candidates vying
for the job either.
Besides, he caught a libel suit for $30
million. What better credentials could a journalist have?
Apparently, Drudge reported that one of
Clinton's advisors, Sidney Blumenthal, used to beat his wife.
It turns out the story wasn't true. He used to beat his mother
(see what I did there?).
Instead of letting it slide, Blumenthal
decided to give Drudge thirty million dollars worth of credibility
in the form of a lawsuit. I don't think it was a wise decision.
Had he not sued, I doubt many people would have heard about the
story. Now that the lawsuit's gone public, Blumenthal and wife
beating are forever linked in my mind.
Hmmm. Wonder if he wants to share the
wealth?
BLUMENTHAL BEATS HIS WIFE FOR NO
GOOD REASON!!!
(So sue me. But make it $50 million, I'm a
college grad.)
You've got to love those screaming headlines,
don't you? They look like real news stories, but they're not.
The same goes for some Web sites. They look like they're providing
valuable information, but they're not. Frankly, the only news
source I trust one hundred percent is the Weekly World News.
I know everything in that rag is bullshit.
So when does gossip and rumor cross the
line and become news? Beats me.
For example: in his interview, Drudge
tells Playboy, "I've got Lewinsky describing Clinton's anatomy,
his penis size. I'm deciding if and how I should report it."
Then Playboy asks, "How will you
decide?" And Drudge says, "I've decided not to report
it at this point, but I'm getting more tempted, because I think
it's going to become part of the bigger story."
Well, fuck you Drudge, I'll report it.
I don't know if the story's true or not, but I know a scoop when
I see one. I think maybe I'll take a little ride on the Hindenburg
headline:
FIRST MEMBER EXPOSED!!!
- WASHINGTON -- In a secretly taped phone conversation to an
unidentified blond woman, Monica Lewinsky described the size
and shape of President Clinton's penis.
-
- "It was about six to nine inches long, had a little
ridge at the top and was kind of flesh-colored," Lewinsky
said.
-
- This description was substantiated by a battery of highly
credible sources, none of whom could be revealed. The President
denied the allegations and refused to be photographed.
(What do you mean Geraldo beat me to the story?)
I don't know from journalism. But I bet
I won't be sued by anybody (and, therefore, languish in obscurity)
because I'm no Matt Drudge. While we have similarities, the differences
are staggering.
The similarities between me and Matt Drudge:
- 1) We both write for the Internet.
-
- 2) Because who in the fuck would hire
us.
The differences:
- 1) He used the Internet to get into journalism.
I use it to download porn (see what I did there?).
-
- 2) He writes serious news and honestly
gives a fuck. I only write the word fuck. Seriously.
-
- 3) Matt Drudge, by his own admission,
looks like a guy who got beat up a lot. I look like the guy who
did the job.
-
- 4) He wears a hat. I wear a baseball
cap. With a balloon tied to it. On my way to the zoo.
-
- 5) I lick pussy.
-
- 6) He quit working at a gift shop to
report the news full time. Me? I've been turned down from four
gift shop jobs in the last fuckin' month.
-
- 7) He's a right-winger. I'm a humdinger...
folk singer.
MIKE JASPER CLAIMS --
"I'M THE REAL UNIBOMBER"
(And I've got that atheist bitch tied to my
bedpost.)
I admire Drudge's vision. He saw the Internet
as a bona fide news medium earlier than most and he jumped on
it. You've got to respect him for that.
Still, Drudge attracts criticism and deservedly
so. He does seems to be a creature of the right wing and on a
sacred mission to dump President Clinton. And in interviews,
he tends to come off as whiny and insecure. God knows he makes
mistakes and occasionally he reports bogus information.
But it happens, you know. You get sucked
in.
For example: When I was a real reporter,
I wrote an article about a guy in Sebastopol, California who
was developing an electric car. Turns out there was no electric
car, he was just some self-deluded guy who made money by having
people invest in his non-existent invention. He was aided in
this cause by his collection of blueprints, promotional literature
and newspaper clippings written by unsuspecting morons like me.
So how self-deluded was this guy?
Well... I hear he's now writing a column
on the Internet.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper. |