ConstantCommentary® Vol. II, No. 28, September 10, 1998

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

Hate mail and love letters

Do I get mail? Oh yeah. So I've decided to share some of my better ones with you. Since I'm going on vacation for two weeks (Mt. Rushmore, the Sistine Chapel of America), this column will allow you -- the readers -- to be featured. Also, it gets me out of having to actually write something for the next two weeks.

The mail I get takes on many forms: some are good, some are bad, others are bizarre. All of the bizarre ones get printed. Some of the others do too.

Sometimes I get letter bombed. A letter bomb is when your inbox is filled with at least 100 copies of the same piece of mail. The text of the letter usually isn't complimentary.

I GET MAIL FROM SATAN!!!

Date: Tuesday, August 18, 1998 9:32:42 PM
From: satan@hell.org
Subj: Lay off of Drudge fuckhead!!
To: column@mikejasper.com
 
You have no idea what you're dealing with here!

As you can see, this e-mail came from satan@hell.org. Apparently satan@hell.com was taken.

I get some nice mail too:

Date: Thursday, August 20, 1998 5:56:57 PM
Subj: Austin Boy
 
Mike,
 
Often a column such as yours starts out with a piquant idea that gets anifty little development going but after the first or second bout of cursing collapses into a nasty heap. Ah, but you followed through right up to Kurt Vonnegut. Bravo. I'd like to see what else you can tell me about this world so put me on your list, baby.
 
The blackberries are ripe on the vine in Seattle.
 
Isabella

I know. How self-serving of me. Give me a break. I got letter bombed from Satan, why not print a letter from an angel? Besides, it proves something I've suspected for a long time now: my readers write much better than I do. The above letter has dignity, elegance, style. Me? I'm just trying to be funny.

Here's a letter both nice AND bizarre. It was sent in response to the column, "Mouthpiece for Cancerboy":

Date: Friday, July 24, 1998 8:36:35 PM
Subj: Danny the bull
 
 
Hi Mike.
 
I feel like I know you personally since I just spent more time reading the article than I spend with my own parents. I'm sure that being from San Francisco, you have been used as the "mouthpiece" many times.
 
I am a friend of Danny Bull's. In fact I grew up down the street, and even went eventually to the same college. Don't get sucked in. He's been using this leukemia crap for years. Even as a child, we would all be playing soccer in the field and he'd drop and start complaining about his bone marrow. "Oh crap, give the big baby the ball." This has worked for him for years.
 
I read your article and though I can't imagine that you could sing better than a guy with a hole in his throat, it is refreshing to know that while sitting around with your little "mike" in your hand, you've got the vision to know singing Danny's songs was your 15 minutes.
 
Danny was a wonderful child, and even though the brat always had longer blond hair than me, he was lovable. Despite what he's been through (the worst being subject to your voice on his words), he has always remained the same. Isn't he neat?
 
I'm sure that while you were lusting after women standing two feet from your girlfriend, they could only wonder, "If this guy was singing in the woods and no one was around to hear, would he still suck?"
 
If you are ever compelled to matador another article on the baby bull, please consult me for some really good personal tabloid Danny stuff. Oh there is so much.
 
And about what I said, I meant it the nice way.
 
Love,
Suzanne

I read the above letter about five times, wondering if it was complimentary or from satan@hell.org's sister. I decided it was both.

In a vain attempt to hide my obvious bias, here's a nice letter from a male reader:

Date: Thursday, August 20, 1998 6:17:21 PM
Subj: As a drunk and a Jack Mormon, I think you say fuck too much
 
Dear Mike,
 
I was led to your humble rant by cruel.com. I must compliment you on your bitterness and your ability to type out a nice coherent page of text. Most of mine end up with strange poetry about graveyard dancers and how my butt stinks like beef stew. But that is not the point of this note. What I really want to say is as a drunk Jack Mormon, I find your writing to be soothing to my bitter soul. Nice work and I am quite proud of your heterosexuality!
 
I too think that the Drudge guy is a bit of a dork. I must admit, I have never seen him before I visited your page. The hat definitely has to go. It's like he is trying to relive some sick romantic reporter fantasy. I hate sentimentalists too.
 
Howard

You might notice that my readers like to scare the FUCK out of me. Especially in the subject. Howard also scared me in other ways. For example, before I read this letter I used to like beef stew.

How about one more self-serving letter from a male:

Date: Thursday, September 3, 1998 10:49:02 PM
Subj: THANX, DUDE
 
 
Read the current article. Then I read every last stinking one of the archive articles. In one sitting. Laughing hysterically. I needed that.
 
Of course, if I keep wasting my days in front of the computer I'll be forced to make myself get a life again.
 
Unsigned

I sure hope he reads this at work. I'd like to think y'all have better things to do at home. Which brings me to:

HOW TO SUBMIT TO THIS COLUMN!!!

Call me Master Jasper. In truth, this section should be called the ConstantCommentary® user's guide, but I like the sentiments expressed in the title above.

As my long-time readers know, I've changed the style of the column a bit. It used to have small type which was hard to read on screen. Now it has HUGE FUCKING TYPE, WHICH IS HARD TO FIT ON THE SCREEN.

Here's some feedback I received on this change:

Date: Friday, September 4, 1998 8:32:10 AM
Subj: New type size
 
Hi Mike,
 
Here's my two cents' worth. I find the new type size quite large. Usually I like extra large things but maybe only on me. Ha, ha.
 
I did my best to rip you off today. For my finals I had to write an essay and rather than do the usual "here's the pros / here's the cons," I went stark raving mad and did my best Jasper impression. The
topic was "New Year's resolutions". Great, huh?
 
I was too chicken to write the word "fuck," but then again, you've
mellowed too. "Have my way with Merrill?" You used to be a bit more graphic.
 
My whole argument in the essay was that it's so hard to come up with
good New Year's resolutions. "Except for Bill Clinton," the punch line
goes, "and that's almost unfair. He's the most powerful man in the
world, he's had great sex and now he even gets his New Years's
resolutions delivered on a silver plate. Then again, maybe the guy
deserves a break."
 
I know it's not as funny as pissing off rock stars but it's the best I can do.
 
Take care,
 
Markus
P.S. I'll get to play a short tour in Spain this December. Caramba!

In this letter, Markus tells me two important things: 1) the type is too fucking big and 2) he really wants to see the word "fuck" used more often.

I do what I can do.

Here's another letter regarding type size:

Date: Wednesday, September 2, 1998 10:32:10 PM
Subj: Huge Font
 
Hey Mike,
 
What's with the gihugeous font? Are you trying to get Stevie Wonder to read your column?
 
Tracy

Maybe not Stevie Wonder, but all the other blind guys my age. Here's the deal: If you want to read the column on your screen, the gigatype will help. Another way to read this is to save the column as a text file. Since I use no graphics whatsoever, the column comes out pretty much the same as the original, with the exception of the Links of the Day and all the bold words. Some people find all the bold words in my column annoying. Saving the column as a text file is the answer for you.

You can also print the column and read it on paper. If you save it as a text file first, you can control the font. If you print it straight from the browser, you get the big type. It's your call.

By the way, if the only browser you use is America Online, you might as well read it on screen. AOL doesn't make printing or saving very easy.

I hope this makes sense. If I come up with any other ideas, I'll be sure to let you know.

I just do and do and do for you guys.

REAL REPORTERS REVIEW DINKY INTERNET COLUMN!!!

I've gotten three reviews so far from members of the press. Because I'm always striving for professionalism, I've arranged excerpts from these reviews in a press release.

"Funny Shit!"

--Gregory Kallenberg, columnist, Austin American-Statesman

"If Rasputin ever did stand-up at small clubs, he probably sounded something like this."

--Dan Taylor, entertainment editor, The Santa Rosa Press Democrat

"Jasper, your column sucks."

--Laura J., medical transcriptionist, Transtat Inc.

Two out of three ain't bad. Laura used to be a reporter at the North Platte Telegraph in Nebraska, so I consider her terse little e-mail a legit review. She's also the first person to ask to be removed from the list. She's also an ex-girlfriend, so I should be glad she only slammed my writing. Is she bitter? Believe it.

After Kallenberg wrote about this column in his "Browser" column for the Statesman, this letter-to-the-editor appeared the following week:

Ode to the F-word
As a former Austinite now residing in the San Francisco Bay Area, I keep up with my old hometown by reading the Austin American Statesman on the Web.
 
I appreciate that the Internet can keep me connected to the people, places and events in Austin. Recently, I read the Browser column by your very capable writer, Gregory Kallenberg. I enjoy reading his columns on a weekly basis and so I regret the question I now have to ask: Mr. Kallenberg, are you out of your mind?
 
In last Thursday's (July 30) issue, he pointed his readers to a Web site called Mike Jasper's Constant Commentary, the ramblings of a misguided lunatic. While Kallenberg did have the courtesy to warn his readers that the site was PG-13 to R rated, I was not prepared for the steady onslaught of profanity and bile emanating from Mr. Jasper's poisoned penmanship.
 
While I've read only four or five of the so-called columns, it is safe to say that Jasper proves that any moron can get a web page and proclaim himself a journalist. Kallenberg called this column Jasper's "ode to himself." It's more like an ode to the F-word.
 
Furthermore, he insults gays, lesbians, AA, women in general, the city of Austin, people with cancer and my intelligence. Do we really need a Howard Stern of the Internet? I think not.
 
Carlo P. Rooney
San Francisco

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this letter -- an ex-reporter I think -- but I really can't tell you who it is. At first I suspected Chris Rooney, but that was too obvious. My next best guess was Larry McDonald, a writer from California. We used to work together, mostly, at the SonomaWest Times & News. But Larry denies everything:

Date: Thursday, August 13, 1998 9:07:28 PM
Subj: Re: You got me!
 
column@mikejasper.com wrote:
 
>> Larry-- and some other stuff>>
 
Nope. Maybe it's my role in your life to keep saying, "Wrong again!" but, as Madeleine Kahn kept shrilling in Blazing Saddles, "It's twue! It's twue!"
 
I didn't write it and, given the length and internal logic of the sentence, Chris obviously didn't either. Have you checked with Kathy Morgan?
 
Larry

Kathy Morgan? The conspiracy grows.

Naturally, after this letter came out I got e-mail from concerned friends. You know. "Hey, they're on to you!" or "God, I wish I had written that." And even "Jasper, your column sucks."

Fortunately, some of my friends came to the rescue. Here are their rebuttals:

Quit whining!
In regards to the whining letter from San Francisco's Carlo P. Rooney regarding Mike Jasper's "So Sue Me" column, I'd just like to
say: Carlo, buddy, lighten up for God's sake and quit patting yourself on the back for having intellect worth insulting. You are going to hurt yourself.
 
In his article, Gregory Kallenberg saw fit to mention Jasper's column and to properly assess it as f-ing (did I offend you Carlo?) hilarious. I would have to agree with the man. I would also say that Mr.Kallenberg's warning to the oversensitive should have sufficed to warn you away from an unpleasant experience. What part of "If four letter words offend you... you may want to skip this one" didn't you understand Carlo?
 
That brings us back to your intellect again. Obviously your reading and comprehension skills ain't what they might be buddy. I don't know why the heck you were on the page in the first place, but once you got there, I'm really surprised that you waded through "four or five of the so-called columns." I'm equally surprised that you were offended if you indeed read and understood the material. Jasper isn't anti-gay or anti-lesbian or anti-woman. He is anti-cancer. He is amused by his own reaction to people with lifestyles different from his own, but he certainly does not demean them. In fact I believe he mentioned envying said lifestyles a time or two. He doesn't make fun of who or what people are; he makes fun of what they do. And if they happen to be gay or lesbian or a woman or an alcoholic or sick with cancer and are short sighted enough to do something amusing, appalling or ­- God forbid -- funny in Jasper's presence, well he sure as snot is going to write something about it.
 
I think it's no secret that Mr. Jasper is a tad eccentric. He's an equal opportunity critic of people's wacky behavior, he's opinionated, wickedly cantankerous and he's honest. More importantly and more often than not, Mike Jasper is poking fun at Mike Jasper and his own offbeat take on life. I think Mr. Kallenberg also made that pretty clear. Mike Jasper is also a professional journalist and probably has the pay stubs to prove it. On the other hand, you, Mr. Rooney, are pissing in the wind.
 
Sincerely,
Karen Tyler
Austin, Texas
P.S. If you think Austin is above reproach, what are you doing in San Francisco, hmmm?

I love loyal fans, especially the women.

Here's another one:

Date: Thursday, August 13, 1998 8:17:12 AM
Subj: Fw: Mike Jasper's Internet Column
 
Blow me Carlo
 
I feel compelled to respond to Carlo P. Rooney's mischaracterization of Mike Jasper's Internet column. Yes, Jasper's column is quite often profane and always irreverent. These characteristics are often trademarks of satire, a form of humor that Carlo may not be familiar with. Jasper is also very funny...funny enough that Mr. Kallenberg mistook him for a comedian (which is one of the few things Jasper is not, by the way).
 
I'll write most of Carlo's response off as evidence that any moron (to borrow Carlo's phrase) without a sense of humor can get a "Letter to the Editor" published in the newspaper. However, I'm disturbed by his comment that Jasper insults people with cancer. Jasper is able to write about serious situations, such as Daniel Bull's illnesses and trials, with a very flippant tone. That does not make it insulting, nor does it trivialize the illness or the people who struggle with it. Daniel is a friend of Jasper's and Carlo has no business deciding that Daniel should feel defamed by the column. I've been over the column in question several times, and I can't find one insulting word written about Daniel. Flippant, yes...insulting, no. As someone who's frequently been insulted by Jasper, both in writing and in person, I think I'd know the difference.
 
As far as the Howard Stern comparison goes, Stern never won "The Gong Show." (Carlo forgot to mention that Jasper managed to insult Chuck Barris and Maya Angelou in the same sentence.) Stern is not, for my money, nearly as funny as Jasper, and he's certainly not as sharp a writer.
 
Russ Somers

Yep. It's true. I'm much funnier than Howard Stern. My dick's bigger, too.

One more letter-to-the-editor, because I promised to print them all:

Date: Monday, August 10, 1998 7:22:12 PM
Subj: Letter to XL
 
He's funny AND he's good at oral sex
 
Reading Carlo Rooney's diatribe on Mike Jasper's Constant Commentary website column, my first response, as a woman, one of the people who evidently should be deeply offended by the website, was to laugh. Rooney is apparently too busy being outraged at someone using the f-word to notice that Jasper uses the column to ridicule himself, as well as the hypocrisies that he sees around him. I don't know about Rooney's intelligence, but as far as insulting gays, lesbians, women, AA, Austin, and people with cancer, I'd say the insult is to assume that people in these groups have no sense of humor. Maybe Rooney makes this mistake because he's lacking this quality himself.
 
Heather Sultz

Okay. So I made up the titles for the last two letters. I can't help myself. I know what you're thinking:

HOW CAN I GET MY LETTER INTO YOUR NEXT "LETTERS" COLUMN??!!!

Well, you can do what Mary C. did. Watch:

Date: Sunday, September 6, 1998 12:02:08 AM
Subj: Re: Billy Buck Henry here...
 
Mary wrote:
 
Then I remembered -- I woke up in the middle of the night last night and for some reason, I groggily stumbled into my office, logged on, got your e-mail, responded to it, then went back to sleep immediately.
 
I responded:
 
That's weird! I do the exact same thing! Except when I wake up, my hands and arms are covered with blood.
Jasper.
 
Mary responded:
 
Now THAT is some funny shit. I think you ought to put this exchange in a "Reader's Letters" column.
 
Mary C.

Okay. I will.

The other way you can get a letter into the next of my semi-annual "Letters" column is to 1) ask 2) write something good 3) pay me.

Here are some answers to other questions I've been asked in your e-mails:

Q: How can I make sure my letter DOESN'T get into your column?
A: 1) ask 2) write something boring or 3) pay me.
 
Q: What's the name of your column, "ConstantCommentary" or "So Sue Me...?"
A: Ahhhhhhhhh...
 
Q: Why do you use so many colons in your writing?
A: Cause I'm an asshole.
 
Q: What do you do for a living? (This was actually a question in a letter from Bret... you know who you are).
A: I don't want to give too much away right yet because I'm planning to do a column called "How To Lick Pussy and Never Pay Rent Again" that addresses this very subject.
 
Q: Why do you write "more than me," rather than the gramatically correct "more than I."
A: Because I'm heterosexual.
 
Q: Where do you get off, anyway?
A: I don't know. Where are we going?
 
Q: Can I get a link to your page?
A: No.
 
Q: How do you decide who gets links on your page?
A: Two criteria: whim and caprice.
 
Q: Do you keep your old columns online?
A: Yeah. Check at the bottom of the current column until you find the blue link that says, "Click here to go to past columns." This isn't funny, I know, but I've been asked this many times before. It's sad. It's very, very sad.
 
Q: What's your Web address, your URL?
A: www.you'vegottobefuckinkiddingme.com
 
Q: What's the most bizarre letter you've ever received.
A: Tough call. But I'll make it. I wrote a column called "After I recieve my degree..." and I got a letter from a friend. She said, "... one thing about your last article dear... 'I -- before -- E except after C'. Maybe you should go back to school for bonehead spelling?" And you know what? She's absolutely right. I did misspell receive. Why?
 
Read the column, people. Read the fucking column.

THE MOST INFLAMMATORY, DEVASTATING LETTER YET!!!

This came in the mail today. It hurts:

Date: Wednesday, September 9, 1998 7:22:12 PM
Subj: Pitiful
 
Dear column boy:
 
I just read your current column and all the columns in your archives. Nice try. It's obvious to anyone with an education that you are a complete rip-off of Mark Twain, specifically the columns he wrote during his days at the Territorial Enterprise in Virginia City, Nevada.
 
Bet you thought no one reads those old columns anymore, huh?
 
Along with the radical cloning of Mr. Twain, I see body parts from Hunter Thompson, Dave Barry, Norman Mailer, Molly Ivins, Charles McCabe and Herb Caen.
 
Have you ever had an original thought?
 
I can't say I dislike you, though. At least you steal from the best. And your use of the fuck word is outstanding. You've got balls, that I'll give you.
 
It's your brain I question.
 
Yours,
J.C. Rabinowitz

I learned two very valuable lessons from this letter:

1) You can't please everyone. Some people are hypercritical and no matter what you do, it won't be good enough. Some people, in fact, rejoice in bringing other people down, no matter who it is or what they've done.
 
2) I've got to stop sending myself e-mail.
* * *

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.