Kansas sucks
Kansas sucks. Let me say it again. I don't
want to be accused of mincing my words. Kansas... sucks.
Thank god I live in Austin, Texas.
Have you ever driven through Kansas? No?
Have you ever tried to snort cattle? Just tie a cow patty around
your rear view mirror and you'll get the idea. Kansas sucks and
it stinks.
IMPORTANT KANSAS FACTS
The Kansas state bird is the house fly.
The Kansas state motto is "Road Work
Ahead."
Kansas' number one export is people. In
cars. Leaving as fast as they can.
The capital of Kansas is NOBODY'S FUCKIN'
BUSINESS.
If I had been to Kansas before 1996, I
would have cast a sympathy vote for Bob Dole. I mean it. Because
I understand now. He didn't really want to be president. He just
couldn't stomach the thought of moving back to Kansas.
YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM HERE!!!
Last week I was driving through Kansas
and saw a road sign that said, "Highway 83 is closed. Seek
alternate route." Hmmm, I thought, maybe it's an old sign.
After all, I hadn't seen another one like it for the last 30
miles. I decided to stop for gas at a small Kansas town and ask
the attendant. I forget the name of the town. Bumfuck, I think.
I do remember the name of the attendant: Orville.
"Is Highway 83 okay today?"
"It would be if it were open,"
he said. Thanks Orville. My right foot has been working great
today, but it might not be too functional if I stuck it three
feet up your ass.
As it turns out Orville was right. The
road was closed. I took an alternative route, the scenic route
they called it. Long stretches of weeds surrounded by long stretches
of tilled land reserved for crops the government pays farmers
not to grow. Breathtaking.
Can I say anything good about Kansas?
Sure. Kansas helps raise the self-esteem of its neighbors, Oklahoma
and Nebraska. "Sure," those people say. "We suck.
But at least we don't suck as bad as Kansas." The value
of that service is immeasurable.
On the way to Kansas I had to drive through
Oklahoma. I stopped for gas in Stillwater, home of Oklahoma State
University. Cozy school. Campus housing is a trailer court.
Nebraska sits due north of Kansas (for
those of you who haven't studied Third World geography). In Nebraska
I stopped to see a friend in North Platte, where Buffalo Bill
Cody and the other 22,650 residents are buried. Usually in snow.
Since I was going for the full Midwest
experience, I kept heading north to South Dakota where I passed
a town called Oral. Do I have to tell you that place sucks? In
Hot Springs, South Dakota I stopped at a teeth-optional bar called
Yogi's. The bartender, Boo-Boo, served me many Budweisers. I
fit right in.
By the way, Hot Springs features a store
called the Kum & Go. I think we've all been there before.
No story about the Midwest would be complete
without saying a few words about the wonderful cuisine. I can
remember every meal I had last week, but I don't want to bore
you with the details. Here's a quick rundown: On Monday I ate
red meat. Tuesday I ate some more red meat and on Wednesday the
menu also featured red meat. Thursday I ate red meat with a side
of pork (white meat, I guess) followed by more red meat throughout
the weekend. In the Midwest macaroni and cheese is considered
a veggie.
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU ARE NO LONGER IN KANSAS!!!
I know what you're thinking. Jasper...
baby... sweetheart. What about your readers in Kansas? Aren't
they going to be pissed? Maybe. That is, if I actually have any
readers in Kansas. I have no idea.
If I do have readers in Kansas then they're
people whose primary goal is to leave Kansas. Think about it.
What's the first thing Dorothy did in the Wizard of Oz after
she finished singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow?"
She tried to get the fuck out of Kansas, right? Even fictional
characters want to blow the dive. In fact, if you now live in
Kansas and can read this entire column without moving your lips,
I guarantee you'll leave one day.
I do have some readers FROM Kansas but
that doesn't count.
NO ONE EATS A NAKED LUNCH IN KANSAS!!!
What about Lawrence, Kansas? Surely that's
a cool place, right? William Burroughs used to live there. Einstein's
brain is stored in a pickle jar there, the city boasts a thriving
music scene and it's a college town.
Forget about it. Burroughs is dead, someone
moved Einstein's brain to the East Coast, the good Kansas singer-songwriters
now live in Austin and the college? I hear the college is planning
to move. To Stillwater.
Gentlemen, start your trailers.
Wait! I just thought of a good thing about
Kansas. Are you a little overweight like me? Or extremely overweight
like most of my friends? Want to look fit and trim without dieting?
Move to Kansas. If you can keep your weight within two figures
of normal, you'll be considered in shape. Possibly svelte.
The Kansas state slogan should be: "Kansas
-- we make the rest of the country look a whole lot better!"
Another known fact: Kansas is the third
notch in the Bible belt. Makes sense to me. Why wouldn't you
believe in life after death when you live in a place that doesn't
offer much life after birth?
YOU ARE NOW MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH THIS COLUMN
AND KANSAS STILL SUCKS!!!
At one time -- long before I visited the
state -- I thought Kansas was all right. It evoked images of
wheat fields and John Cougar Mellencamp songs. Besides, Joe Montana
and George Brett used to live there. How bad could it be? I noticed,
though, that as soon as their respective football and baseball
contracts were up they got the hell out of Kansas. Bob Dole still
lives in Kansas, but I have it on good account that Dole's brain
has been moved to the East Coast and now sits in a pickle jar
next to Einstein's. How's that for a study in contrasts.
Truth is, I like Dole a lot better since
he's been doing Visa commercials and taking Viagra. I don't know
what that says about me.
I'm not telling you that Kansas is the
WORST state in the union. It might very well be next to worst.
All I'm really telling you is that I've never been to Arkansas.
(Have you ever noticed that Arkansas is just Kansas with an AR
in front?)
Look. I don't have an ax to grind here.
Sure, I was a little ticked off that a FEDERALLY FUNDED highway
was shut down in September. I was slightly pissed that I had
to take an alternate route that forced me to remain in Kansas
an extra hour. And I really didn't like having to wait five minutes
to take a one-lane detour following a government lead car going
all of 30 miles-per-hour because the state of Kansas decided
it would be a good idea to dig up all of their shitty roads while
I was on my GOD DAMN FUCKIN' VACATION.
Still, I'm not a petty person. I wouldn't
waste your valuable time writing a column just because I had
a bad day in traffic. No, I just wanted to share my objective
opinion with you in case -- for some stupid reason -- you're
planning a vacation that requires you to drive through Kansas.
Trust me. You might think the last 36 paragraphs are nothing
more than a tirade written by an egotistical Texan, but you'd
be wrong. It was written by an ex-Californian now living in Texas.
I swear I'm not getting paid by the states of Nebraska and Oklahoma
to write this. Absolutely nothing influenced this decision. I
just decided to rag on Kansas as a public service. I hope you
appreciate that.
By the way Kansas State University defeated
the University of Texas at Austin in football, 48-7.
Be sure to check out next week's column,
which is tentatively titled:
HOW TO BURN DOWN A MAJOR UNIVERSITY!!!
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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