Let's change Zimbabwe back to Rhodesia
John B. cornered me at the bottom of the
stairwell. John was the general manager of the newspaper I worked
for, the Sebastopol Times & News. I was a reporter, a columnist
and on double-secret probation.
"You wrote about Africa," he
said.
"Yeah. I guess I did."
"We don't cover Africa," he
said.
"Gee, John, I thought we covered
Sebastopol, Graton and the English-speaking parts of Africa."
He wasn't in the mood. "No, we don't.
Why did you write about Africa?"
I can't remember exactly how I answered
the question (I clearly recall it had nothing to do with the
truth). But I'll gladly answer the question now.
Budweiser. I wrote a column about Africa
because I drank a case of Budweiser. King of Beers.
TIMES & NEWS LOSES TO ANYONE
BY TEN RUNS!!!
The Sebastopol Times & News softball
team had just finished playing a game against our rivals, the
designated winners. It really didn't matter who we played, the
other team always won. They had no choice. We always lost.
After the game, Chris R. and I bought
a case of Budweiser (King of Beers), went back to the newsroom
and played video games on the computers while downing beer after
beer after beer. This is what losers do.
Around my fifth beer, it occurred to me
that I had no column and tomorrow morning was the deadline. Bummer.
"Chris, I don't have a column. Any
ideas?"
"We could make prank phone calls
and then record them."
"Yeah, Chris, that'd be a great idea
if it didn't suck," I said. I then informed him that the
entire newspaper business sucked. Why? Cause all the really good
stories of my youth were gone. Two Kennedys were assassinated
and I had missed it. NASA put a man on the moon and I had missed
it. Nixon resigned and I had missed it.
Born too late.
"Even the fucking geography has changed,"
I told Chris. "When's the last time you saw a story about
Rhodesia? Shit was always going down in Rhodesia, but you never
hear about it anymore. I want to cover the stories I read about
when I was a kid."
7 MISSIONARIES SLAIN IN CONGO!!!
(Wait a minute. Is the Congo in Rhodesia?
Hmmm.)
"There isn't any such thing as Rhodesia
anymore," Chris said. "They changed the name to Zimbabwe."
"What?" I yelled. Not a hostile
yell, more of a sloppy drunken yell. All the same, it scared
the shit out of Chris. "They changed the fucking name? How
in the fuck can I cover a story in Rhodesia now? That's not right,
man, that's just not fucking right."
Rhodesia changed its name to Zimbabwe
and I had missed it.
"I'm calling them up. I'm calling
those motherfuckers up and demanding they change the name back,"
I said.
There's my column, I thought.
And now I present the column to you: reprinted
exactly as it appeared in the Sebastopol Times & News. Except
for some editing. Cause I've had ten years to think about it.
My column was called "The Watchdog,"
by the way.
"More like a lapdog if you ask me,"
Larry Mac -- another writer for the paper -- told me after I
published a kiss-ass column about a local politician. You have
to understand. I suffered from creative restraints at the Times
& News. I wasn't allowed to use the F-word at the newspaper.
I didn't have the same freedom of speech I now enjoy on the Internet.
Besides... the politician bought me lunch.
Old World Values
- I called Zimbabwe. I called Zimbabwe
and demanded that the country change its name back to Rhodesia.
-
- They wouldn't do it. They wouldn't do
it that night anyway. You think
you have the power of the press behind you and then something
like this happens. What gives?
-
- I tried everything. I even enlisted the
help of Chris R., another pro-Rhodesian reporter at the Times
& News. We pooled our time, energy and resources to fight
for this worthy cause. True revolution exacts a heavy toll (in
this case about $50 for the phone bill), but it all went for
nothing, nada, zero, zilch, zip.
-
- Too bad. It was a good idea and for the
following reasons:
-
- Reason # 1: The country wouldn't have to march last in the Olympics
anymore.
-
- Reason #2: It would have caused mass confusion at the American
embassy.
-
- Reason #3: The Zimbabwean Ridgeback is a stupid, stupid breed.
-
- Reason #4: It would have justified the phone bill.
-
- Reason #5: It's numerologically correct.
-
- Reason #6: We all could have won big money on wagers.
-
- Reason #7: Chris and I could have been on the David Letterman
show.
-
- Reason #8: Sixties nostalgia.
-
- Reason #9: More people can pronounce Rhodesia than Zimbabwe.
-
- Reason #10: Just think of the publicity.
-
- It didn't work out. At least we tried.
-
- Last Wednesday, late at night, we called
the American embassy in Salisbury only to find -- to our utter
horror and chagrin -- that the city's name had changed to Harare.
Whoever answered the embassy phone (a five-dollar-an-hour night
clerk I'm guessing) told us our chances of effecting the name
change were not very good.
-
- "Highly unlikely to none,"
he said. "Besides, that's something that we haven't anything
to do with."
-
- So much for American might.
-
- We asked for his name, but he refused
to give it to us. We asked him why.
-
- "It has a lot to do with reporters
and what not," he said.
-
- "If another newspaper editor reads
it in your paper and then other newspaper editors read it, the
next thing you know we'll be swamped with calls."
-
- True. We could have started a media feeding
frenzy. But then that was the whole point.
-
- Our man at the embassy switched us to
the public relations department where we talked to a Mr. Kouttab.
Static on the phone line prevented us from hearing his first
name. Damn Third World equipment.
-
- Kouttab confirmed that the chances of
getting Zimbabwe to change its name back to Rhodesia were zero.
He explained that Rhodesia had once been a British colony but
now was under native African rule and a Communist country to
boot. Hell, I knew that. This wasn't a question of politics.
This was a question of semantics.
-
- "But Rhodesia just sounds sooooo
much better," I whined to the unmoved Kouttab.
-
- When I brought up Zimbabwe's last place
position in the Olympics, Kouttab gave me a serious answer. He
said the country was considering a petition to change the marching
order every other Olympics to an alphabetically descending scheme.
-
- It soon occurred to me that no matter
what stupid question I put to Mr. Kouttab, I would get a serious
answer in return.
-
- I choked. The fear of starting an international
incident sent a wave of panic through me, for I remembered that
my driver's license had expired. I hurriedly said goodbye and
hung up.
-
- Chris -- who had laughed himself into
convulsions during the phone call -- checked in with Pac Bell
to find out how much dough we were in for. They said the call
would be about $50.
-
- It was worth it. I've spent more on drugs
for far less laughs.
-
- The Zimbabwe experience taught me a lot.
I learned that even a reporter from a small-town newspaper will
be taken seriously if you call the embassy in Rhodesia... I mean
Zimbabwe.
-
- The second thing I learned is that starting
an international incident is pretty easy if you talk to the right
people.
-
- Finally, I learned a lot about diplomacy.
In the interest of national security, I've decided to cancel
the phone calls I had planned to make to Persia and Siam.
- (Reprinted with permission of Sonoma
West Times & News)
Ain't it cute? Little Mikey Jasper's wise-ass
column with his little trademark wise-ass twist at the end. After
all, I was only, what, 15 at the time. Emotionally.
I know, I know, I know. What's the deal
with the David Letterman Top Ten List? Look. It was 1988 and
Letterman references were still considered hip then. Besides,
people who read the Times & News wouldn't stay up late enough
to watch Letterman. Why not educate them?
The point of all of this is simple: I
got away with it. I never heard a word about the phone bill (I
think the office manager -- a great old gal named Donna -- hid
it from John) and I kept my job and the column. With the exception
of Steve Cook, I didn't meet one person in town who liked the
column or even understood it, but so what? I hit my deadline.
And I did it drunk. Give me some degree-of-difficulty points,
will you?
I know, I know, I know. Some of you are
wondering: Why dredge this up now? It's history man. Why write
a column about a column you wrote ten years ago?
You know why. Budweiser, baby. King of
Beers.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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