Some men are Dicks
Semantics... counts.
When I meet a guy named Richard and he
tells me, "Please, call me Dick," I pay attention. I figure it's a
warning. I remember Nixon, after all.
Think about it. You've got a lot of
nickname options with Richard. You've got Rich, Richie, Rick, Ricky and
sometimes Chard. Yet many choose Dick. Which I can understand. If your
name is Dichard.
Why not call yourself scrotum nose?
It gets worse. I once worked with a guy
who went by the name Dick Cruise. That's a great name. If you're a porn
star or a promiscuous homosexual.
Want worse? A friend of mine once had a
job interview with a man called Dick Hunt. Say that aloud a few times.
Nice ring to it, huh? That's a good name. For a hermaphrodite.
I once worked in an office that used an
A.B. Dick. This Dick is a mimeograph machine. A mimeograph (also called
a ditto machine) works like a photocopier except the finished copies
are light blue and barely readable. There is no way to use a mimeograph
machine without getting blue ink on your hands and clothes.
I decided the office should consider using
modern equipment, so I led the "Dump the Dick" campaign. It worked. We
dumped the mimeograph machine and got a photocopier. Most of the time,
it's not so easy to get rid of the Dicks in your life.
When I was in the first grade, we learned
how to read using the Dick & Jane series of textbooks. In this way,
children are introduced to reading and Dicks at an early age. I've only
met one Jane since then. But I've seen plenty of Dicks in my life.
If I owned a dog, I'd probably call him
Dick. If I had a son, I'd name him Cocksucker. Then I'd invite my
parents over for the introductions. Yep. That's exactly what I would
do. If I owned a dog. And had a son. And stood to gain an inheritance.
I have to admit, I've never thought about
Dicks so much in my life. But it's only for the sake of this column.
Honest.
FAMOUS DICKS IN HISTORY
In literature, we find Melville's Moby
Dick. This Dick happens to be an incredibly huge whale. The biggest
white Dick in history, I'll wager. Melville must have been so proud.
In stock car racing, there's a driver
called Dick Trickle. (I ask you, is there any better time in history to
write a humor column?) True, he has no control over the last name. But
he could have done something about the first name. I'm thinking the
name Dick Trickle is a date-breaker.
Nixon was known as Dick Nixon until he
became President. Then he was known as King Richard.
Dick Cavett's name doesn't give us much
trouble, probably because we're too busy criticizing his whiny-ass Yale
accent.
Dick Morris -- the Clinton advisor who was
forced to resign because he had an extramarital affair and wasn't the
President is a Dick. But whenever I hear his name I think of
Morris the Cat. (No, no, no. I refuse to do a pussy joke and a dick
joke in the same paragraph.)
There was a baseball player called Dickie
Thon. Dickie is similar to Dick, but smaller. Whenever I hear the name
Dickie Thon, I hear Dickie THONG. If you have a Dickie, you don't
really need a thong.
How about Dick Butkus, the ex-football
player? There's a name that covers the Full Monty. No one ever made fun
of this Dick, though. Cause this Dick can kill you.
Dick Van Dyke? Don't get me started.
The late 50's TV show -- "I Love Lucy" --
featured no Dicks. Lucy did have a child called Little Ricky. But he
wasn't called Little Dickie. That's because TV writers understand
semantics. Imagine Desi Arnaz yelling, "Luuuuuucccccccyyyyyyyy? Have
you seen Little Dickie?"
I can think of a few more Dicks. Dick
Tracy (a private Dick), Dick Louden (Bob Newhart's TV Dick), Dick York
(cold as a witch's Dick) and Dick Clark... actually I kind of like Dick
Clark.
I'm sure you'll have no trouble thinking
up a few Dicks of your own.
IT'S A GUY THING
There is no Dick equivalent on the female
side (with the possible exception of Candy, but I'm probably just
reading too much into it). Have you ever met a woman who said, "My
name's Theresa, but please... call me Tits?" (If you have, send me her
e-mail address.) We have women called Babs, but we don't have women
called Boobs. Boobs can be found. But only on the male side.
See how I am? Kissing up to women like
that?
Sometimes people are stuck with
questionable names through no fault of their own. I have a friend whose
last name is Licht. I used to ask him, "What's it like having a name in
the past tense?" Another friend's last name is Cox. "What's it like
having a name that's plural?" But these are last names. They were
handed to them at birth. And while grade school must have been tough,
at least they didn't CHOOSE to lead a life of double meaning and sexual
innuendo.
Me, I want a new name. Something that
gives people fair warning about my personality. If I have to live in a
world where Dicks are loosed on the world, then I want some ammo.
Call me Badass Motherfucker. Badass
Motherfucker Jasper, that's the name I want. Sounds like a rap star.
Besides, the name suits my background.
I had a tough childhood.
I thought I had conquered my childhood
issues until I discovered that I could still milk them as an excuse for
another 20 years or so. I blame my mother. She would say terrible
things to me, things that shaped my life forever, things such as, "Your
mouth will get you into trouble" or "You're never going to amount to
anything" or -- the one I really hate -- "You're a lousy lay, just like
your father." So please... call me Badass Motherfucker.
Wait! I changed my mind. Call me Lick.
Lick Jasper. It makes sense. It follows the same geometry as Dick.
Richard... Rick... Dick. Michael... Mick... Lick. Works for me.
Hmmm. I've been trying to think of a
clever way to end this, but nothing's coming. Guess it doesn't matter.
This column don't mean dick to me anyway.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to
be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.
Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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