Hate mail and love letters #2
(We Interrupt This Column for a First
Amendment Issue...)
Dale Dudley is a hero in Austin, Texas.
He should be a hero everywhere.
Dudley -- the anchor of KLBJ's morning
radio show "Dudley and Bob with Debra" -- defended
his right to download, view and discuss the nude photos of Dr.
Laura Schlessinger that he acquired from the Internet. (I'm guessing
with credit cards.)
Dr. Laura is an American radio talk show
host and author of such books as, "Keep It In Your Pants,
Dearie," and my personal favorite, "Not In My Twat
You Don't." (I'm quoting these titles from memory. I might
be wrong.)
If you haven't heard, Dr. Laura's old
lover (and by that, I mean he's more than 80-fucking-years-old)
sold photos of Dr. Laura's underutilized nude body to an Internet
porn site. Now Dr. Laura's coming unglued. It's lawyers, guns
and money for the old radio doc.
Dudley -- for the sake of his listeners
and the entire free world -- downloaded the photos, analyzed
them with Photoshop, posted them on his PERSONAL Web site, and
swore to their authenticity in on-the-air statements to his radio
listeners. No special effects were used in the creation of the
photos, Dudley said. No grafting, no tricks. Dudley also assured
his listeners that the nude photos of Dr. Laura didn't arouse
him in the least, which is proof enough for me that they're real.
And then the shit hit the fan. KLBJ management
ordered him to stop talking about Dr. Laura on the air. Dudley
walked off his show and, to their credit, co-hosts Bob Fonseca
and Debra Cole walked off with him. Here's what Dudley posted
on the morning of Oct. 27 at his Web site (with some minor editing):
- Judging from some of your e-mail, a lot of
you did not catch what happened so I'll fill you in as best I
can. At 7 a.m. I announced that I had acquired the controversial
nude photos of an alleged "Dr. Laura Schlessinger."
-
- I have made no secret my distaste for her
hypocrisy and advice that she doles out in such a pious manner.
I do however support every personality's right to say what they
want to say on the air. I also think that if you make a
mistake and someone finds out about it, then you have to live
with it. Somewhere out there someone has nude photos of me (oh
dear god let them stay kept away). But if they were to come out,
I'd be the first to say, "Yep... did that! What a dummy".
-
- I thought you guys would enjoy seeing these
photos until Dr. Laura's people shut me down with a court order.
However upon letting the news out this morning (10/27/98) I received
a call during a commercial break from our programming department
to "stop talking about them". Because one of our sister
stations carries her show, it seems I'm jeopardizing that relationship.
I'm sorry but the woman is a public figure!
-
- Now I ask you, what in the hell am I supposed
to come back on the air with? The amazing traffic reports and
how insightful they are? Maybe I could have come back on with
celebrity birthdays! So I chose the only rational thing that
I could think of and that is to shut the hell up and leave the
room. That is why many of you heard music this morning. My representative
is speaking with the management today and I hope to be back on
the air.
-
- But I'm not going to do a show with a muzzle.
I have other opportunities outside of Austin and if I have to
sit, someone will have me on to do the show that I along with
my talented cast are capable of doing. I have the greatest respect
for you the listeners and almost everyone I work with, but if
they want a show with an edge then you've got to be ready when
it cuts. Dr. Laura deserves her time in the spotlight, warts
and all. I guess we'll find out what means the most to (my employers).
Pig Vomit lives.
The good news? The "Dudley and Bob
with Debra" show took to the airwaves the next day, everyone
kept their jobs, and the trio received tons of e-mail and phone
calls in support of their stand.
Notch another victory for freedom of speech.
More good news. The court order preventing
Dudley from posting the Dr. Laura photos at his Web site has
been lifted. And in a creative ruling by the 39th Circus Court,
Dr. Laura has been ordered to "orally copulate" Mr.
Dudley on video for later broadcast over the Internet. This last
paragraph is bullshit, of course, but doesn't it make a nice
lead-in to...
MORE DICK JOKES!!!
Subject: A Small Question
What is that, "You're a lousy lay, just
like your father," line in this week's column supposed to
mean exactly? I know I am only 18 and still may have half my
mind in the gutter, but that strongly gave me the impression
that you live in West Virginia, land of the inbred. I know that
sounds kinda mean and all, but why in the world would your mother
say that to you?
Jason Chance, North Carolina
MJ - Jason, I can't explain right now.
I'll write back later after my sister finishes sucking me off.
Subject: Dix
Dear Jasper --
Nice writing this week Jaspy. In an effort
to generate a meaningful cultural exchange let me tell you about
a dick you ignored -- "spotted dick" -- a well known
British culinary delight (now that's an oxymoron if ever there
was one) that is also popular here in Australia. A sort of ball
shaped pudding cooked in a pudding cloth (muslin, I think), white
or light coloured and liberally infused with currants or sultanas.
The pudding is the "dick" and the currants the "spotted"
bit I suppose. The mere mention of this dish sends titters and
murmurs running through expectant diners -- careful, don't step
on anyone's titters and murmurs.
Imagine a cold winter's evening at the dinner
table, following a hearty main course of blood thickening roast
beef and gravy. The hostess presents her spotted dick for dessert,
served hot and steaming on the plate, with a little clotted cream
and a treacle of molasses sauce. Ahhhh, heaven on a stick.
Cheers and TTFN
Ron P., New South Wales
Australia
MJ - Say Ron, have you ever tried mountain
oysters?
Subject: Revenge
Oh, and as for your previous column on Dicks
... here in Ohio we used to have a governor named Richard Celeste.
The (unofficial) slogan for his opponents was, "Dick Celeste
... before he dicks you."
Tony, Ohio
MJ - You should have heard what they said
in Texas about Lyndon Johnson.
Subject: dicks and Dicks
Great column.
Dealing with doctors is always dicey. Most
are okay but a couple of them are real assholes. (The don't call
it an MD-eity for nothing, you know...) We've got a few doctors
for which the word dictator REALLY applies. One's last name is
Britton but, of course, he's American. The other is the dude
I want to tell you about.
This doctor is grumpy all the time, impatient
as hell and has a generally bad disposition. He snarls rather
than talks, barks orders rather than making requests. He's that
way in the hospital, in his clinic and even out in public.
I saw him at a public, town hall meeting the
other night regarding a constitutional amendment that Nebraska
voters will have to decide on November 3rd. The public was invited
to ask questions or make comments at the mike and he got up and
began a long, unfocused bitching and griping rant about government,
taxes and how awful everything is. He was, as usual, a total
asshole.
One day I walked into our office and the girls
were discussing how awful he was. They were going on and on about
how Dr. Dix must have had a bad childhood, how he must hate women
and society in general, etc.
That's when it hit me.
"What's his first name again?" I
asked.
"Richard," Ellen said.
Richard. Richard Dix. Dick. Dick Dix.
The poor man was named Dick Dix and has had
to endure a lifetime of it.
Now he's Dr. Dick Dix.
In spite of how badly he's treated me in the
past, I felt a sudden and
surprising deep sense of sorrow and empathy
for him.
Dr. Dick Dix.
But it didn't last long.
Bwahahahahahahahahha......
Frank G., Nebraska
MJ - Too bad he's not a proctologist. Or
is he?
Subject: Dick Packer?
You probably couldn't care less about this,
but after reading your "Dick" article, I immediately
thought of a sales rep I know, whose unfortunate name is "Dick
Packer". I have yet to run across the person who finds that
quite as amusing as I do, but I thought you, in fact, might be
simpatico...
Bill R., not from Kansas.
MJ - You've come to the right place.
Subject: Yer column.
How could you not mention Dick Armey?
Russ S., Austin
MJ - Cause I'm a dick.
Subject: Mike Jasper's Column Out
Thought you might get a rise out of the name
Peter Puller ...
It's past time that we take a stand against
all the Dicks, Peters, and Willies of the world...
They are strategically placed in all aspects
of power in society. Think about it! "Peter" Jennings
tells the American people what to think. William "Willie"
Clinton gets away with lying to the American public, and "Dick"
Morris is trying to kill the American public with tobacco. It's
a bloody conspiracy that has been hidden for far too long!
All through the ages, it has been the same!
William "Willie" the Conqueror (I heard rumors he spread
the first venereal disease), Richard "the Dick" Lionhearted,
who started the crusades which killed millions, Tzar Petrov i.e.
Peter...he's Russian, need I say more?
I could expound more but I am sure you have
better things to read. Later.
Suzi
MJ - I think the cigarette guy is "Phil"
Morris. Guess you had Dicks on the mind.
Subject: The Feminine Dick
I used to work in a video store. A girl came
in once for a membership, and had to show me her driver's license
(so I know this was her real name.). Her name was....
(dramatic pause)
Clitoria.
I'm not making that up. I wish to god I were.
Clitoria. That was her name. Which led to questions. Does she
have a brother named Dick? A sister named Vagina? Is her mother
Uterus or Womb?
More fun names abound! I know a boy named
Phuc Nguyen (in case you're not familiar with the pronunciation
of Vietnamese names, that's "FUCK WHEN" in English).
I know. I know. I need a life. When all you've
got is eight cats, funny names, and e-mail to strangers, it's
time to get out more.
Thanks for reading this,
Leslie, Alabama
P.S. -- I really enjoyed your Dick column,
master badass motherfucker. You're a sassy and funny little hep
cat, daddy-o. I dig it.
MJ -Clitoria? That's too funny. She showed
you her driver's license? Really? What's her phone number?
Hate Mail!!!
Subject: Fuck you, faggot
I think YOU'RE a fag.
Anonymous, not from Kansas
MJ - You might be right. Send me a photo
of your ass.
Subject: Your opinions
Mr. Jasper -
I ran across your article entitled "Billy
got head and I don't care."
MJ -Neither do I.
Your opinions seem to be founded around what
you feel, not what is factual.
MJ - What are the fucking odds?
You think that Nixon deserved it because he
"looked like a crook," which I think is rather immature
and silly.
MJ - Me? Immature? Silly?
About the only thing that I agreed with in
your article was when you said that you have been lying from
the moment you learned to talk -- this is common in people who's
ideas are so diluted.
MJ - Yeah, my ideas are diluted all right.
Usually with pints of bad beer.
You lie like it is not a big deal, and admittedly,
many lies are not.
MJ - I love you.
The problem arises when you start lying to
yourself to justify what you feel, and it is evident from your
article that you do this on an alarming scale.
MJ - I'm an alarming guy.
Don't bother justifying it because "everyone
does it these days."
MJ - Are we still talking about lying?
Although that is true, it is hardly an excuse.
Disillusioning yourself does not make you into a better person.
MJ - But it makes me FEEL like a better
person, and that's all I ask.
It should be noted, however, that I can understand
why you don't care that Bill Clinton has lied.
MJ - Can't wait to hear this.
You have lied so much that truth doesn't mean
that much to you, or so it seems.
MJ - I have lied when the truth was better.
How can you want Bill to be punished for lying?
MJ - I changed my mind. I don't want Bill
to be punished for lying anymore.
Wouldn't that mean that you, too, should be
punished somehow?
MJ - You mean tied up? Whipped? Spanked
a little? Maybe. Keep talking.
It is easy for you to absolve him of all wrong
doing,
MJ - I guess all those years in the priesthood
paid off.
... as you have had much practice absolving
yourself of equally bad things.
MJ - Amen. Wait a minute! I NEVER got a
blow job from an intern and then lied about it afterward. As
I recall, I told everyone within a ten-mile radius.
Have a nice day.
MJ - Keep coming back.
Ella, not necessarily from Kansas
(Note: I wrote Ella and reminded her that I write funny columns,
not serious editorials. I got this answer in return.)
Subject: Your Opinions
Oh, in that case, scrap everything I wrote
you.
Truth be told, I don't like politics. Politicians
could all sink into the ocean as far as I am concerned. Still,
sometimes I like to point out what I think about certain editorial
articles -- I did not know that you were kidding around. I detected
a bit of light-heartedness, but figured it was just an informal
delivery of your heart-felt thoughts. Forgive me, then.
MJ - I thought the part where I wrote,
"If only Clinton had licked pussy, he wouldn't be in this
mess right now," might have tipped you off.
Subject: Your column
Hi Mike,
What's in a name? Mike is my brother's name...
and Dick is the name of my favorite uncle....
I could have done without the references to
homosexuals in your column. It doesn't reflect well upon you
either.
Basically, I didn't think it (the column)
was funny. More like masturbation -- which is to say, maybe fun
for you, but why share it?
Jerry, California
MJ - You know, Jerry, you're right! What
was I thinking? I assumed that when I masturbated in public,
I'd draw an audience. How foolish of me!
I also agree that I was way out of line
to make a reference to gays in a column about Dicks. Where was
my head? And what good are references to homosexuals without
photos? I apologize for wasting your time. Cause I'm PRETTY sure
I know which keyword in the search engine got you to my column
in the first place.
Starting today, I'm pulling all my columns
from my Web site and I swear to you - on my honor as some guy
you don't know on the Internet - that I will never, ever write
another masturbatory piece again. I want to thank you (the writer)
for setting me straight. As it were.
Say, do I owe you any money for this?
Subject: Ouch
Mike,
Wow, that had all the sting and wit of a stuttering
third grader! I am really impressed. I mean, I've been put down
before, but that was just downright nasty...no wait a minute,
it was pathetic.
I was assuming after all the smoke you blew
up my ass I was in for a real reaming, but no such luck. Just
the rambling attempts at put downs you might hear in a junior
high classroom.
Particularly with regard to your attempts
to delve into how things in my life work. You obviously know
nothing of how our paper runs, or you would have been able to
come up with some things that were at least semi-accurate.
If you were capable of showing any intelligence
or anything resembling originality in your writing, I might feel
a little sting.
Very weak, please try again.
Jason R., Kansas
MJ - Try again? All right, Jason. Blow
me.
KANSAS SUCKS!!!
(for the last time)
Subject: Kansas Sucks
Dear Mike,
I know this is a bit tardy, but I did have
a couple of comments regarding the "Kansas Sucks" column.
First, you were very unfair to the cows. Kansas
has pigs, too. Ever driven past a swine lot round 6 a.m.? It's
enough to make you want to excise the entire state and transplant
it to Albania or The Ukraine (not to be confused with a Ukraine,
his Ukraine, or their Ukraine) where they are used to this sort
of thing and won't even notice.
I've driven through Kansas (usually at gunpoint
and always as quickly as possible) and I have but one piece of
advice for future fellow travelers, as quoted from my elder brother:
"Save your best pot for the Kansas part
of the trip."
Frankly, I save all the pot for the Kansas
part, but I don't recommend hallucinogens, as conversations with
nodding sunflower heads tends to be boring and monotonous even
when you're tripping, so why waste good Yellow Sunshine on Kansas
when you still have Indiana to get through?
Actually, the one time I thought I was conversing
with a nodding sunflower head, it turned out to be a Kansas State
Patrol officer (who revealed to me that the letters KSP really
do stand for "Kansas Sucks, Period") and he was mighty
glad to get that last tab of acid, believe you me.
(Last I heard, he gave it to Bob Dole who
then spent the next week screaming, "My arm! My arm! It's
going to vote Democrat and I can't stop it, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Give me that pen, you bastard, what is this, a death grip? You're
not paralyses; you could move if you REALLY wanted to!")
Thanks for brightening up my weeks.
Deb, not from Kansas
(aka Beltanna, because it was the coolest
pseudonym I could think of and it relates to fertility festivals,
of which I think we have entirely too few.)
MJ - Send me your drugs. And a fertility
festival brochure.
Subject: Kansas Sucks
Mike,
Just wanted to submit my wholehearted agreement
that Kansas sucks. Flying over it's not so bad, but driving through
it sucks. Really sucks. Thanks for the public service announcement.
Linda, California
MJ - I was hoping for a bigger response
from Kansas residents, but I can understand why I didn't get
it. Trying to start a feud with the state of Kansas is like challenging
a paraplegic to a kick-boxing match.
Subject: Meat eating Austin boy
Mike,
I've just read your travelogue on Kansas,
and I feel vindicated in my desire to restrict my exploration
of the state to what I can see, let alone smell, from the relative
safety of an airplane window.
My travel story: once upon a time I shepherded
a group of German tourists across the desert southwest. When
we arrived at Monument Valley, easily one of the more profound
beauties on this blue-green planet, one particularly noxious
member of my flock who had been dancing on my last nerve for
about a week demanded to see the famous presidential carvings.
I wish this tale had a more fitting ending
such as, "I stabbed him with a tent stake and left his sorry
ass for the vultures." But alas I have no justifiable homicides
on my rap sheet.
As for Seattle, summer is rolling up her beach
towel and has booked passage to Australia, but still she lingers.
Can't blame her; the Japanese ink wash effect is making sublime
art of the views across Lake Washington and the Puget Sound.
Thank you for giving me the giggles on a gray
and rainy morning.
Isabella, Seattle
MJ - I just put this in to boost my ego.
LOVE LETTERS!!!
Subject: Freakin' Hilarious!
Hey, this is Heather's friend Kristina. Yes,
I am interested in your column. Where do you come up with this
stuff?!
Later,
Kristina, not from Kansas
MJ - Watching CNN helps. For example, the
other day I heard that a Senatorial candidate in Tennessee had
just shot his opponent.
That cracks me up.
Did the candidate accused of murdering
his opponent get a bump in the polls? Or did his opponent, the
dead guy, get the bump? If the dead guy's polls improved, how
do we know he didn't manipulate his own murder just to win public
sympathy?
Will the shooter be accused of using smear
tactics in his campaign? And if he wins, will he be able to legislate
from prison like a Mafia don? If the dead guy wins the election,
can his wife have the job? You know, like Sonny Bono's? At the
start of the campaign, where did the candidates stand on gun
control? Where do they stand now?
The dead candidate was killed on his hog
farm. Can we really assume it was a lone gunman? And where was
Gordon Liddy when all of this was going down?
I wanna know.
Subject: Mike Jasper's Column Out
Mike?
Hey, you cannot believe how completely COOL
it is to get an e-mail from the legendary Mike Jasper! I do like
your site, as a matter of fact, I link to it from one of my other
web pages...(hope you don't mind)
http://members.tripod.com/~Belvedere/belvedere-index.html
Which links to my other site, The Hypocrisy
Filter, which features an essay on why I think Drudge is a hack.
By the way, you are much more entertaining
than Matt. Long live the ConstantCommentary!
Val
MJ - Finally, I'm accorded the respect
I so richly deserve.
Subject: Please add me to the column notification
list
Hi Mike,
I would think that visiting Mt. Rushmore is
rather like that scene in National Lampoon's Vacation, where
they look at the Grand Canyon, say yep, and get back in the car.
No, your column isn't an English assignment.
It's more like, what the hell is he gonna say next? All I can
say is that I think you're freakin' hilarious and I'm guilty
of reading all your columns in one sitting.
Neglecting work to do it, too.
Nancy
MJ - My column is designed to be read by
people either neglecting their work, their studies or their loved
ones.
Subject: This Week's Column
I have felt that way for years. Wouldn't
it be wonderful if, finally, gay-bashing would be synonymous
with latent homosexuality? Would solve that problem, wouldn't
it?
Georgia, Florida (not a typo)
MJ - It could certainly throw a monkey
wrench into the sport of boxing. "And the new heavyweight
champion, from San Francisco, California, because no one wants
to make a social statement by challenging him..."
Subject: Concert tickets and smaller items.
Dear Mike,
I'm sorry, I just can't bring myself to call
you "Jasper," it reminds me of some self-proclaimed
god guy of the internet, like "Drudge," or of the radio/TV
"Stern." Who the fuck do all of you think you are anyway?
Do you think women ever use last names or, WORSE YET, make up
ungodly names for themselves? No, we don't feel the need to be
referred to in one-word monikers. (Men, on the other hand, often
do refer to us in this manner, "bitch, slut," you get
my drift here...)
However, if you must refer to yourself using
your ultra-hip name of origin (and I use that term loosely),
I have to congratulate you for not committing the ultimate moniker
sin: using a title other than your last name. You know, like
the guy you bowled with last week, Chunky Phillips, "Chunky"
for short, or your baseball buddy, "Wheels" Callahan
(never could figure out why they call him Wheels either. I probably
don't want to know...)
Now that I've vented, your column is funny
as hell. You are irreverent, insulting, and twisted in your humor.
So of course, I love it. Especially after I've been drinking...
EVERYONE with whom I've spoken is "pissing on the linoleum"
in hysterical laughter from your column. OK, so those are just
the people in the asylum, the rest are a little more, umm, contained
in their outbursts.
Was great to hear responses from such talented
Austin notables as Russ Somers and the recently departed Karen
Tyler. (So she went to California; she's not dead, but the difference
may be negligible...)
Last, I want to thank you for the concert
tickets you sent my way, not that this response is in anyway
generated by your benevolence (and Starr isn't working for the
corrupt Republican conspiracy...) And by the way, do you really
think your dick is bigger than Howard Stern's? Just a thought...
And for all of my AOL stalkers out there, here it is finally,
my last name...
Sydney G., Texas
MJ - Nothing I can say would be as biting
as the grief you'll no doubt catch from Karen Tyler.
AND FINALLY... THE BIZARRE!!!
Subject: Mike Tyson -- He's Ma Man
Mike:
Have now pulled up many of your columns and
rolled with the punches and off the couch...
Not really, as I do computer sitting on the
rug and why is it that an "es" is necessary to pluralize
a punch? Next time I meet Roberto Duran I'll ask him. Last time
I won $500 bucks by betting on the other guy, but I still give
"Manos of Steel" all the glory.
You look like Duran, which is far better than
sounding like him -- I didn't meet Drudge in Hollywood either
which proves the whores he frequents are of the "oft"
genre.
Goddamn, did I have my doubts about your 12-Step
recovery? Very relieved that you have recovered yourself from
that process - ing. I hate it when people cathart or at least
don't believe them and hate it when I don't believe them. It's
stupid behavior and all some offshoot of our Judaic-Christian
hypocrisy.
Most of my time has been dharma-ed at the
New Age "Conferences." Logically, this group is above
"all that"? I love it when "old souls" try
to save themselves. My favorites were the Rajneesh groups in
India where 40 people were naked 8 hours a day/5 days a week,
not that my fetish for German women has any influence on my decision
or judgment. Germans (the men that is - who remembers what the
women said?) would get up and start out their confessionals by
saying in their Neo-Aryan slang, "I AM A SHIT." I place
all self effacing into a category labeled shitpile. Of course,
German women can sit wherever they want, whenever they want -
- SO IT GOES...
Da Juice, California
MJ - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I pretty much agree
with everything you said. You're O.J., right?
Subject: Little sex package
Dear sensitive and caring,
So how many letters have you received so far
accusing you of being a latent homosexual, cross-dressing, fag
hag Mary in ballet slippers??? I'm doing a survey.
MJ - About 37 so far.
Any out of the closet admissions in admiration
of your column.....(I sure hate to call it your "column",
when I don't know).
MJ - Is that a dick joke?
Well give me admiration letters for 1000,
because you will hear from a lot of friends of friends.....blah
blah you're so wonderful. You're so brave. Of course I wonder
if we'll find you beaten up in the parking lot of some bar.
MJ - You're describing any Saturday night
in Austin.
Yes, fuck you, I have to agree with you, but
I couldn't read that and not respond now could I???
MJ - I wouldn't think so.
Found out the guy I grew up next door to is
a flaming hair down homosexual. (Not Danny, but yes he knows
him, probably had a crush on him), and who didn't know anyway!!!
He says,"Oh you mean you knew I was gay??? How?") Oh
gosh, was it when you were skipping through the house with a
basket of flowers??? Nope, just good looking, dressed to kill,
and well, maybe it was that red ribbon twisted in a loop pinned
to your jacket.
God save the queen.
Kiss on the cheek,
Suzanne, Missouri
MJ - For the record: I've never had sex
with a gay guy. I did have sex with a guy who had been with a
gay guy, but that's it.
Subject: You're applying for the wrong
jobs
Jasper,
As you know, I've held a plethora of weird
jobs and interviewed for some even stranger ones (see Texas Monthly,
April '98, page 92).
Consider this synopsis of an interview I had
with Billy McCabe, production clown for Circus Vargas. He was
about 55 at the time; I was in my twenties and applying for a
position that involved a large, bulbous red nose:
- Billy: You juggle?
- Me: A little.
-
- Billy: How many balls?
- Me: Three.
-
- Billy: Can you do five?
- Me: Not yet.
-
- Billy: Can you do pins?
- Me: No, but I can do rings.
-
- Billy: How many rings?
- Me: Three.
-
- Billy: Hmm. Ever been on stilts?
- Me: No.
-
- Billy: Would you be willing to learn?
- Me: Sure
-
- Billy: Good. I need somebody to do six-foot
strap-ons.
-
- Billy: You drink?
- Me: A little
-
- Billy: That's OK. You smoke dope?
- Me: Well, I have.
-
- Billy: That's OK, me too. You got a wife?
Girlfriend?
- Me: No.
-
- Billy: Good. OK. Here's the deal. It's $150
week 'cuz you haven't ever been with a traveling show before.
You can make more if you want to hawk programs and shit like
that. If you save up some money, you can buy your own trailer
like Beautiful here. But I got a rule. No girls on the lot. I
just had to fire two clowns 'cuz they were bangin' some fifteen-year-old
town girl under the trailer. You meet somebody, you wanna do
her, have the decency to take her to a motel, OK?
- Me: OK
-
- Billy: We gotta work on your makeup a little.
You have a triangular face. And you need more wardrobe.
- Me: OK
Billy: Any reason you can't start right away?
Ted Streuli, Texas
MJ - I got turned down from the same job.
He said I was overqualified.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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