How to Lick Pussy and Never Pay Rent Again!
(A musician's survival guide)
Before I address today's topic, I have a
statement to make: Procrastination is an ugly, ugly thing. No good can
come of it. Then again, maybe some good can come of it, I'm not really
sure. Procrastination breeds ambivalence. I think.
Yes, I'm finally writing my column again.
Yes, I'm writing it at the wrong time. Yes, I should be doing REAL
work, making money, pleasing my girlfriend and getting things done
around the house. But I've got to ask: What should you be doing right
now? Something other than reading this, I bet. You're goofing off,
admit it. Sure, you can rationalize your behavior. You're a rational
person. You tell yourself things such as, "I do believe I need a break
right now" or "I can do that report later" or "God, I really don't want
sex tonight."
Like I said, procrastination is an ugly,
ugly thing. I'm here to help:
HOW TO PUT OFF ANYTHING AND EVERYONE
- 1) Fake an illness. Cancer usually gets
everyone's attention. And no one will have the gall to question it.
Trust me on this.
-
- 2) Fake an emergency. Anything will do but
a flat tire. When's the last time you saw someone with a flat tire? Not
lately, I bet. Even if you REALLY do get a flat tire, make something
else up. "My pet got run over," usually works. It carries the same
sympathetic appeal as "My kid died," but no one expects you to produce
a body.
-
- 3) Learn to lie. If you need help with
this, read my column, "How To Lie Like A Lawyer," which I haven't quite
gotten around to finishing, but I swear I will, once I get over this
bout of cancer and bury my dog.
-
- 4) Sleep as long as possible. When you do
wake up, find the closest person around and tell them in an anguished
voice, "How could you let me sleep so long? You were supposed to wake
me!"
-
- 5) Start a Web site.
-
- 6) At least get an e-mail account.
-
- 7) Always have a BIG project going. Keep
the details of this big project hazy. Make sure everyone knows the
project is very important and when it's finally finished you're going
to be rich and famous beyond everyone's wildest dreams. Cultivate an
air of "all good in the world flows from this project" and watch others
follow suit. Cults have been started this way, as well as acting
companies, book clubs and several Christian religions. Here's a short
list of some great time-consuming projects: Make a CD (I've personally
killed 20 years using this one), build the ultimate desktop computer
(you'll waste twice as much time if it's a Macintosh compatible), take
a long trip far away to learn a foreign language (Sanskrit is STILL the
best), or write a book. Try to get the book published by Black Sparrow
Press. (Note: Even if Black Sparrow pre-approves your book, it'll take
years before it ever sees the light of day. Charles Bukowski was only
22 when he submitted his first manuscript to them. I think.)
-
- 8) Start smoking pot. No further
instructions necessary.
-
- 9) Use redundancy as a stalling tactic.
-
- 10) Repeat above.
HOW TO DO THINGS YOU LIKE AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT
IT
Some things are easy to accomplish. You
must do these little tasks first to build your confidence before facing
the tougher activities. Eating is a big confidence builder, as is
smoking. Sex is another popular activity most people can accomplish in
a relatively short time.
If you're going to eat, you might consider
learning how to cook. If you order food at a restaurant or drive-thru,
your eating experience is finished in 10 or 15 minutes, tops. But if
you cook your own food, you can often stretch that magic feeling of
accomplishment for 30 minutes, an hour or even longer (don't worry...
you can snack along the way). Even a microwaved meal can give you an
extra two to three minutes of worry-free existence. Consider cooking TV
dinners or fish sticks to start. A safe introduction to the culinary
world, these food items come with convenient instructions on the
package. (Note: Always ignore the directions telling you to pre-heat
your oven for 20 minutes. Pre-heating is just The Man's way of keeping
the little guy down.)
Smoking is a great way to feel like you've
accomplished something. Thanks to new and improved smoking laws, you
are no longer allowed to work and smoke at the same time. You must
leave the office -- oftentimes the entire building -- so you can fully
concentrate on the smoking task. If you can stomach a cigarette every
half hour, you'll smoke away 20 minutes or more every working hour. In
an 8-hour workday, you'll enjoy two hours and 40 minutes of that warm,
winning feeling.
Under no circumstances should you chew
tobacco. Unless, of course, you're a baseball player. But then only
when you're sitting on the bench. Never use chewing tobacco on the
playing field, in the office, at school or wherever work is involved.
Why? The stress of doing two activities at once will surely kill you.
(Note: Never use the word "surely." It will impugn your sexuality.
Also, people will no doubt use that stupid Leslie Nielson joke on you.
Not good.)
With the exception of those who have had
their penises blown to bits while fighting a costly, unpopular war in
the hell pits of Southeast Asia (for no other reason than to keep the
military-industrial complex alive) so that fat and greedy pig-American
ingrates can continue to live their fat and greedy pig-American lives
-- sex is something everyone can enjoy.
Me, I never put off sex. I have people who
do that for me. Unlike smoking or eating, sex is something you can
enjoy alone, with a partner or in a group. I guess it's like eating
after all. If you do it right.
If the environment isn't conducive to good
sex, remember: You can always talk about it, read about it, write about
it, or download it on the Internet. Sex is everywhere. Pay attention.
I don't want to get too specific about
sex, since it's beyond the scope of this column. But I do encourage YOU
to get as specific about your sex life as you like and to e-mail me all
the nasty little details. I'll read them carefully and respond. You may
never know it, but I'll respond. And remember... you have a friend on
the Internet... column@mikejasper.com. I'm here for you.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
The best way I've found to deal with
procrastination is to create a phony column title and then write about
something else entirely. Paradoxically, in this way I am able to
accomplish something and put it off at the same time.
Works for me.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If
you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998
by Mike Jasper.
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