Mike Jasper is 45
Hulk Hogan turned 45 this year. He still
looks pretty good. So does Dennis Miller, David Lee Roth, Hal
Ketchum and Tim Allen. Another 45-year-old, Kim Basinger, definitely
looks great.
Last week I turned 45. Draw your own conclusions.
Since it's my birthday, more or less,
I've decided to write a truly self-indulgent column -- even more
so than usual. Dave Barry wrote a column AND a book when he turned
the Big 4-0. He did it again when he turned 50. I figure I'll
write mine when I'm 45 and 55. That way I'm always five years
ahead of him.
Don't worry. This column will be much
different than Barry's. I'll include the gratuitous use of the
word fuck.
As you might have noticed, I've added
two more photos of myself. The one in the middle was taken three
years ago when I was a rock star. The one on the right is a version
of the one on the far left, but I distorted it with Photoshop.
The photo on the right (or bottom if your window is small) is
what I would look like if I got into a car wreck and had reconstructive
surgery.
Some of you might have thought, "Ah
ha! I always guessed he was an ugly fucker." But you'd be
wrong. That's not how I look. It's just how I feel.
THE 45 THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN MY LIFE
- 1) Dave Barry
will write a book when he turns 60. Unless, of course, I kill
him.
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- 2) The only
thing more arrogant than getting a blow job and falling asleep
is licking pussy and staying awake.
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- 3) Premature
ejaculation is way, way better than impotence.
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- 4) Your tongue
is ALWAYS hard enough.
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- 5) You'll only
remember 50 things from your college classes, so pay attention.
For instance, the ontological argument is... ahhhh... okay, 49
things. The good news? None of them have anything to do with
algebra.
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- 6) When you're
45 you only have two things to really offer a woman, cash or
credit cards. Plan accordingly.
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- 7) Wear sunscreen.
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- 8) I don't
care if it's the dead of winter or you're spending the entire
summer indoors, just wear the fucking sunscreen.
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- 9) If you need
a pill to get it up, consider Vicodin instead of Viagra. It's
cheaper and if it doesn't work, who cares?
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- 10) If your
mother still buys you birthday presents after the age of 40,
you can expect it to be accompanied by a sarcastic card.
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- 11) Everything
happens for a reason. Usually it's a stupid fucking reason.
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- 12) If you
hear someone's wife is having a baby it is always wrong to say,
"No shit? Who's the father?" But say it anyway.
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- 13) If you
steal from Mark Twain people will swear you stole from Hunter
S. Thompson.
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- 14) Don't major
in English... unless, like me, you want to guarantee you'll never
get a real job.
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- 15) Don't get
a real job.
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- 16) Don't write
unless you can use the word fuck.
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- 17) Unless
you get paid.
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- 18) Having
sex with a family member is always a bad idea. That's why I'm
opposed to marriage.
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- 19) Women want
one thing in a relationship. I have no fucking idea what that
is.
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- 20) Never take
an 8 a.m. class.
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- 21) Avoid 9
a.m. and 10 a.m. classes as well.
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- 22) When you
have the choice, take the night class. The instructor wants to
leave early too.
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- 23) If you
want to get rid of someone, ask to borrow five bucks every time
you run into him. Never pay it back. It works.
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- 24) Don't bet
on the ponies.
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- 25) Do bet
on football. But always bet against your favorite team, that
way you're sure to get something positive out of the experience.
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- 26) Learn a
poem or a monologue (Shakespeare preferred) or the lyrics to
Bob Dylan's song "Idiot Wind." When people start to
get on your nerves (and they will) recite it as loudly as possible.
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- 27) Get proficient
at masturbation. If you don't get this right you'll never get
anything right.
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- 28) If a woman
asks you how she looks, there is only one acceptable answer:
You look great!
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- 29) Make sure
to cultivate at least one friend who's a total loser. No matter
how bad life gets, you'll always have him to point at.
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- 30) Always
use a spell checker if you have won.
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- 31) Better
use a grammar checker too.
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- 32) During
your life span, you will meet at least three people called Skip,
Chip, Biff, Muffy or Scooter. Plan accordingly.
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- 33) Smoking
should be illegal. So should fire.
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- 34) Drinking
alcoholic beverages should be mandatory. I want an even playing
field.
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- 35) Keep a
journal and make sure it's well-hidden. Also, make sure it's
not yours.
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- 36) Don't get
too down on yourself. Suicide, after all, is still the most sincere
form of self-criticism.
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- 37) You can
only work so many hours a day and four is my limit.
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- 38) Men: If
you have a good looking female friend you will always want to
fuck her. Women: If you have a good looking male friend it means
you already fucked him or he's gay. (Note: Applies to heterosexuals
only. Wish I knew more.)
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- 39) The year
2,000 bug crisis is a hoax. Think about it. Who would know better
than Bill Gates? And Bill Gates isn't worried at all. In fact,
he just invested in a huge house -- a compound really -- that
features computer-operated security features, a fence designed
for a fortress, an on-site well, a gas-powered electrical generator...
uh-oh.
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- 40) There's
no such thing as objective journalism. The news media reports
on athletes, politicians and rock stars who have drug problems,
but you've never read reports about TV broadcasters or newspaper
columnists getting busted for drugs. We're like cops. We take
care of our own. (Note: Peter Jennings always has the
best shit.)
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- 41) Some slogans
to live by: Don't follow the crowd. March to a different drummer.
Keep your own counsel. Think for yourself. (Note: The last person
to follow this advice to the letter was Jeffrey Dahmer.)
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- 42) Television
is improving. For example, during the 70s every TV sitcom included
a wacky blonde. Now every TV sitcom includes a wacky redhead.
I see progress. I see big, big progress.
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- 43) No matter
what you do in this world, someone will always criticize you.
He lives in North Platte, Nebraska. Avoid him.
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- 44) Don't try
to fuck without an erection. It's like shooting pool with a rope.
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- 45) Size doesn't
matter. Unless you have a dick.
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- * * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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