If you can read this you're still sober
Far be it from me to pass up a chance
to publish on New Year's Eve. When will I get the opportunity
again? After all, in 366 days the year 2000 bug will grind the
world to a halt, causing a worldwide depression, widespread panic
and civil wars pitting neighbor against neighbor in a blood-in-the-streets
battle for survival.
I can't wait. Finally, an even playing
field.
Best Things to Happen in 1998
- 1)
The Impeachment Process -- Who knew the impeachment process
would be a great way to get rid of the Speaker of the House?
Two down and counting.
-
- 2) Shooting John Glenn Into Space -- Who knew it would be a great way to get rid of
a Senator?
-
- 3) Skiing Accidents -- Who knew it would be a great way to get rid of
all the other politicians?
-
- 4) Texas Woman Gives Birth To Eight
Babies -- A true tribute
to fertility drugs. Me? I believe abortion should be allowed
up to the second trimester. Of the junior year of high school.
-
- 5) Wrestler Jessie "The Body"
Ventura Becomes Governor Of Minnesota -- The way I see it, any non-lawyer is an improvement.
I understand the new Speaker of the House candidate (I didn't
bother to learn his name. I'm waiting for Hustler magazine to
publish it.) also used to be a wrestler. I see a trend here.
A real good trend.
-
- 6) Mark McGuire Hits 70 Home Runs
And STILL Doesn't Get Most Valuable Player -- Probably because he took that dietary supplement.
How many home runs would he have had without it? Only 67 or 68
I figure.
-
- 7) Sammy Sosa's Kissy Peace Sign -- Works way better than the finger in heavy traffic.
People don't know what the hell to make of you.
-
- 8) Bob Hope Dies -- It was on the Internet, so it must be true.
-
- 9) Olympic Snow boarder Gets Gold
Medal Despite Flunking Drug Test For Pot -- Marijuana use by snow boarders should not only
be tolerated, it should be enforced.
-
- 10) Austin Band Fastball Tops Billboard
charts -- Fuck the Austin
sound, we want our pop-rock.
-
- 11) Jack Nicholson Wins Oscar For
Best Actor Of The Year --
And the character he plays is based on me. Whether he knows it
or not.
-
- 12) Def Comedy Jam on HBO -- Proof that talent and success have NOTHING to
do with each other.
-
- 13) Ted Danson Gets New Sit-com -- What are the odds of that?
-
- 14) Denver Wins Super Bowl -- Gives a nice ironic twist to all those South Park
episodes.
-
- 15) Drudge Gets Playboy Interview -- Dispels myth that small-breasted ugly people can't
get into the magazine.
-
- 16) Windows 98 -- I just love the way Bill Gates makes that sucker
crash.
-
- 17) Bill Gates Gets Hit With Pie In
Belgium -- Worth billions
of dollars and still gets the same treatment he got in high school.
-
- 18) America OnLine Buys Netscape -- Great. Now what am I going to use, Cyberdog?
-
- 19) Got www.mikejasper.com -- Oh, boy. Now I get to see my sad-ass name 19 times
a day.
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- 20) I Became A Pit Bull Owner -- Just try and fuck with me now!
The Worst of 1998
(Same as above)
New Year's Resolutions
- 1) To quit drinking until such time when
I'm sure that everyone forgets that I ever drank at all.
-
- 2) Write more columns about oral sex.
I know what sells.
-
- 3) Pursue the more money/less effort
business model.
-
- 4) Write my friends. I'm sorry, I meant
write about my friends.
-
- 5) Find out EXACTLY why I wake up once
a week with dried blood on my face.
-
- 6) Start a nice heroin habit so people
get off my back about smoking.
-
- 7) Hire an intern.
-
- 8) Find a Viagra dealer.
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- 9) Toilet train the dog.
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- 10) Toilet train myself.
Happy New Year!!!
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1998 by Mike Jasper.
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