The hoax is on me!
(Congress LOVES you)
This is what I get for trying to be nice.
Okay. I was wrong. I was All fucking
wrong. Congress isn't really going to pass a bill to let the
phone companies charge a long distance toll every time you log on to
the Internet. It was a hoax, a charade, a canard, a practical joke.
In case you missed it, last week I posted
a forwarded letter I got in the mail. Here's what it said:
- Subject: Charge for using Internet
Guess we realized the government would sooner or later find a way to
tax us for using the Internet. Congress will be voting in less than two
weeks.
- CNN stated that the Government would, in
two weeks time, decide to allow or not allow a Charge to your phone
bill equal to a Long Distance call EACH time you access the Internet.
- The address is
http://www.house.gov/writerep/
If you choose, visit the address above and fill out the necessary form.
If EACH one of us, forwards this message on to others in a hurry, we
- may be able to prevent this injustice from
happening!
-
- Please Pass This ON
I can explain. I wanted to get out of
writing the column last week. Don't get me wrong. I love writing the
column, but I like to take my time with it, have fun with it, make
paper airplanes out of it. I consider writing a labor of love. Last
week... I did not feel the love.
So, instead, I misled you and ignored the
old saying, "You can lead the readers to Congress but you can't make
them send e-mail." Some of you were sorely disappointed. I feel your
pain. We're all sick of getting forwarded messages in the mail. You
know what I mean:
"Please help little Sheryl." She's being
forced to undergo liposuction against her will at a major university."
Or...
"An evil virus is being sent through the
mail. You can recognize the letter containing the virus because the
first line always says, 'An evil virus is being sent through the mail.'"
And then there's...
"Send this e-mail to ten friends!! We must
save the spotted dick from extinction!" Right, like I've got ten
friends. And how did I ever get on a fucking Canadian mailing list
anyway?
Here's the worst...
"Microsoft is doing a study of e-mail
traffic and wants everyone to forward this letter to all of their
friends. At the end of the study, Microsoft will randomly select 2,000
people from the forwarded list to go to Disneyland with BILL GATES!"
That's good. I knew Gates was going to
Disneyland -- he quarterbacked the Seahawks to the Super Bowl after all
-- I just didn't know he was going to take 2,000 pie-eyed people down
with him. A trip to Disneyland? In Anaheim? With Bill Gates? Where the
fuck do I sign up for that?
Anyway, after I posted my forwarded e-mail
I got strong reactions from concerned readers. You'd think I was trying
to sign them up for Amway.
Here are some excerpts from last week's
mail:
- What happened to the old mikejasper.com I
knew and loved???? Where is the spontaneous resizing of fonts accented
with that beautiful emphasis known as BOLD print???? You have let me
down, man...
-
- I DON'T LIKE IT.... WHAT'S UP WITH THE
BLACK BACKGROUND??? WAS THAT PURPLE TEXT I SAW AS LINKS IN YOUR
ARCHIVE???? COME ON MAN!!!! GIVE ME A BREAK, or just tell me to go to
hell... :|
-
- Dale
-
- MJ:I got artsy and I regret that.
Here's another one:
-
- ... Lastly, you irked me. 4 minutes into
calc. What a bullshit post about congress, you posted spam mail and
look like a dolt for it. I see shit like that all the time. Do you have
any idea how bad the phone companies want this, but further, how bad
the government would fear all the assholes on the net and their
reaction?
-
- Wight
-
- MJ: I was only trying to piss you
off.
Wait... there's more:
- ... this week's column cop out..... WEAK!!
i swear, i blew the grounded up Smarties dust that i was snorting
straight out of my nose when i read your e-mail....
-
- well, i suppose i can't expect too much
from a journalist.... yeah, cheap shot...
sorry if i'm a bit bitter about there being no column this week. it was
just that i got all my friends together and we sat around the computer
awaiting the so very much on time e-mail at 12 noon like puppies
drooling over the sound of the can opener. much to our dismay, the
conditioned stimulus of "you've got mail" elicited whimpers instead of
laughter when it was discovered that the great jasper bought into the
wonderful art of "lets clog people's e-mail boxes with this crap we
made up" more commonly known as "FORWARD HELL." -
- ... oh, and although i enjoyed last week's
column (i myself am a musically inclined, anti-yuppie cynic) it was
ever so slightly on the weak side....
-
- ~GAWAINE
MJ: It gets worse. My dog's really ugly
and my sister's easy.
Look. The letter I posted last week seemed
better than the usual forwarded crap. At least this one included a link
to Congress. Now whenever I get a wild hare (hmmmmmmmmmm.... wild
hare), I can go to this web page, put in my next-door neighbor's
address to get the last four digits of my zip code (I don't want the
government to know where I live) and dash off a letter to... ahhhhh...
you know... what's his name... the Congressboy.
Still, I'm truly sorry if I let anyone
down and I swear it will never happen again. I haven't been this
contrite since the pipebomb prank in Atlanta. Fucking Olympic athletes.
No sense of humor.
That settled, I have some bad news. As
many of you know, this column supports a qualified mailing list. Not an
automated mailing list and not a large mailing list, but a good, solid
list of good, solid people -- people who want to make the country right
again.
Sometimes, through no fault of my own, a
name turns up on the list that shouldn't have been there in the first
place. The injured party writes me, I take the name off the list and we
go our separate ways. Thing is, some of these names grow on me. Some of
these names inspire me and when I see them on the list, I feel a surge
of energy coarse through my vein (you know the vein). Some of these
names make writing this column worthwhile.
Last week, I lost one of those special
names: Sterling Johnson. Yes,
sterlingjohnson@somefuckingschoolwhowouldneverletmein.com asked to be
removed from the list.
Damn! Sterling Johnson. I love that name.
I want that name. I want to be called Sterling Johnson and I want a
9-inch dick to go with my new name. Give me that name and that dick and
many things would be accomplished, I'm telling you, many things. Mostly
porno films, likely, but many, many porno films.
(By the way, if you'd like to get off the
mailing list, all you need do is send an e-mail and let me know. Don't
worry -- once you're off the list, you'll never know you're being
ridiculed).
Well, I'm glad I took this time to get
back on an even keel with you, my readers. I won't toy with you or mock
your dignity in the future. You are VALUED readers, each and every one
of you. That's why I've set up the "ConstantCommentary® Horoscope."
It's just my way of saying... thanks. Thanks for being born. With eyes.
And comprehension skills.
Here's how it works: Just send me an
e-mail letting me know the month and day you were born. Then, on your
very special day, you'll receive your own unique
"ConstantCommentary® Horoscope." It's that simple. And it's free.
No doubt, you know other people who also celebrate birthdays and might
want to take advantage of this FREE offer. So please forward this
column to all of your friends. You'll be glad you did!
See what I did here? I just got out of
writing another column again.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If
you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999
by Mike Jasper.
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