Graphics? Graphics?
I don't need no stinkin'graphics

Do you like my photo? The old black and white mug shot? Hmmmm? How about my hair? Do you like my hair?

It took me a year to decide whether or not to post my photo, but I finally did so for three reasons:

1) It loads fast.

2) It doesn't look like me.

3) Fuck you, I'm still mad about last week's column.

About once a month, I get an e-mail offer from a web designer or other visual artiste who wants to save my web site from its cat's-ass gray blandness.

"We can add color, some moving parts and even video and sound if you want it!" one guy told me.

You know what I told him? "Fuck you, I'm still mad about last week's column."

Why I don't use graphics!!!

1) I can't draw for shit.

2) I mean it, I can't draw for shit.

3) It takes too long to load.

4) Besides, I can't draw for shit.

 

Why I'd like to use graphics!!!

So I can post sexually explicit photos like this:

Catherine Clay

I'm sorry. Did I say sexually explicit? I meant sexually implicit. You don't know what's going on in my sick mind (shut up, Suzanne).

[One other thing: Have no doubt that when I tell you I'm sorry, I really mean I'm very sincerely fucking sorry. Get it? Cause I'm never sarcastic. Never. And I'd never lie to you. Never.

So... send me drugs. And cash.]

Another thing: I'm sticking with this large-ass type till the end of the column, just to be an asshole.

I lied.

I've got a buddy... Hey! What happened to the big type!

Ahhhhh, the old enlarge button. One reason I prefer computers to real life, the fucking enlarge button.

Anyway, I've got this friend in Austin and he creates great cartoon graphics. If I had his talent, I'd show it off too.

Check it out:

Artwork by Whitney Ayres

Copyright 1998, 1999

See the babe in the graphic? The one to the right of Crikey? The one in the -- I don't know what color it is -- burnt sienna pants and piss green top?

I fucked her. Yep. Used the old enlarge button.

Another friend of mine, the science fiction author William Sanders, e-mailed me the other day and said he found the bold print I used in my column distracting. Lose it, he said. At least lose some of it.

William? Lose the bold print? It's all I've got.

But that's not all I've got today!

Color!!! I've just discovered color!!! Now I can be what I've always wanted to be. Red. Get it? Red? Read?

Just want to make sure everybody gets my jokes. Yeahhhhhhhh... I'm still mad.

Look! I just got in touch with my feminine side.

Hey! Let's take another look at the leather queen in black and white, if only to make sure it takes 15 minutes to load this motherfuckin' page.

Last week, I was only kidding when I said I was going to do a column with lots and lots of graphics. But now that I've got a dozen or so subscribers to the ConstantCommentary® Horoscope list, I figured I'd better come through with the real shit.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.