My hard drive ate it

Remember the good old days and the good old excuses?

My puppy threw up on my term paper.

The check's in the mail.

My Porsche is in the shop.

I said seven inches when FULLY erect. (Maybe that was just me.)

There's a new excuse on the block. The excuse of the '90s:

My hard drive crashed!!!

I've used it myself, haven't you? Once I was late with a column and told everyone it was due to an "unfortunate and ill-timed hard drive crash." The truth? I tried to format my hard drive. I succeeded too. Unfortunately, it erased every last little byte on my computer.

So I called it a hard drive crash. Otherwise, I'd have to call it a fuckup. More importantly, I'd have to call it MY fuckup.

The virus excuse never works. You can't say, "A virus wiped out everything on my hard drive," without looking like a dumbfuck. There are just too many virus detection programs available to make viruses a viable excuse. (Just as there are too many Vs in the last sentence.)

But a hard drive crash? What can you do? You can't control a hard drive crash. Besides, everyone knows why hard drives crash: Bill Gates thinks it's funny. Hard drive crashes are ultimately caused by co-conspirators Microsoft, AT&T, America OnLine, Intel, those fuckers who bombed the Oklahoma building and Ted Turner, the commie bastard.

Hard drive crashes make a great excuse for nearly everything:

Excuse: Sorry I haven't sent you mail lately. My hard drive crashed.
The Truth: I needed to take a serious break from your bullshit e-mails involving sexual positions I couldn't possibly achieve.

 

Excuse: I was going to send you that program, but my hard drive crashed and I lost it.
The Truth: I just found out the copy of PhotoShop I borrowed from the university isn't a shareware program. I may pirate it for myself, but I'll be damned if I'll send it to you.

 

Excuse: I used to have a great web site, till my hard drive crashed.
The Truth: I have an enormous collection of dead links I'm too embarrassed to show you and too lazy to fix.

 

Excuse: Yeah, I meant to send you the HORSEBLO video clip, but my hard drive crashed.
The Truth: Like I'd fucking waste a 30-minute upload on you.

 

Excuse: I used to have a photo of myself, but I lost it in a hard drive crash.
The Truth: I'm butt ugly. What do you expect? I'm on the Internet.

 

Excuse: Man, I wrote a brilliant article on female orgasms, but I lost it in the hard drive crash.
The Truth: I need a couple of more weeks to finish writing it.

 

Excuse: Dude, I lost my porno collection when my hard drive crashed.
The Truth: I got a CD burner.

 

Excuse: I used to own a Packard Bell computer until my hard drive crashed.
The Truth: He used to own a Packard Bell computer until his hard drive crashed. (If you can admit to owning a Packard Bell, you're probably honest. Ignorant. But honest.)

 

Excuse: Sorry I blew off our cybersex date, but my hard drive crashed and I couldn't get online for weeks.
Truth: The pic you finally sent was so sickening, I had to shower for a week.

(submitted by Nancy) [editor's note: If you really do blow off cybersex dates, e-mail me right away.]

 

Excuse: I'll need a couple more weeks. I was almost finished with that proposal but my hard drive crashed.
The Truth: I have been chatting on-line during office hours and haven't done real work in months.
(submitted by Suzi)

 

Excuse: I tried to log-on to read your 'So Sue Me' column, but my hard drive crashed.
The Truth: I deleted your URL since nothing can amuse me like blowing Cyberlad while acting out his cerebral syntax homosexual fantasies.
(submitted by John.) [editor's note: Now that's taking one for the team.]

 

Excuse: I did my term paper last night but my hard drive crashed.
The Truth: School fucking sucks and I'm dropping out tomorrow, I just wanted to shut you up.
(submitted by GhostCow)

 

Excuse: I had a great presentation ready for the meeting, but my hard drive crashed.
The Truth: I finished the presentation, and it was so mind-numbingly boring it would have put a hyperactive shrew on crack to sleep.
(submitted by The Drunk One)

 

Excuse: I'm sorry baby. This has never happened to me before. I usually last for hours. Guess I'm worried about my hard-drive crash.
The Truth: It happens ALL the time.
(submitted by Louie)

 

Excuse: I was going to send you a few of my "blame it on the hard drive" excuses, BUT my hard driasd kl;j;gaflighal;ijgfd;lhkbjdfgh;oiafljdg'adf;g adhlfg;olidajfgkl;djafg adhf;gkljadf'lg adfjg;adlfijg'asdfj;gpadfojugadf;ogk
The Truth: olidajfgkl;djafg adhf;gkljadf'lg adfjg;adlfijg'asdfj;gpadfojugadf;ogk

(submitted by Chuck)

 

Excuse: I was going to send you the only-existing copy of "100 Gorgeous Chicks Who Will Happily, Eagerly, and Inexplicably Do It For Hours With ANYONE Named Mike," complete with full-color nude photographs AND an appendix of current phone numbers... but my hard drive crashed.

The Truth: She wants me.
(submitted by Beadmaiden)

Too bad you couldn't see the first version of this column. It was a lot funnier and a lot longer. But I guess you know what happened.

That's right. My zip drive broke. Click of death, dude. Fucking bummer.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.