ConstantCommentary® Vol. III, No. 50, April 1, 1999

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

HOW TO BE A JOURNALIST IN JUST 30 DAYS!!!

I've always prided myself on keeping this site commercial free. No ad banners, no Java pop-up windows, no sales pitches. It's not that I'm against commercialism, I've just never found a product I really believed in.

Until now!

I have stumbled on a technique where you can make money for LITTLE OR NO EFFORT! And because I care about you, my readers, I have decided to share my "How To Be A Journalist In Just 30 Days!" system at a LOW, LOW, ConstantCommentary PRICE!

Tired of your old job? Sick of the daily grind? Are you looking for a new and exciting career without having to endure the hassle of an advanced degree? Well, look no further. There's a profession that can bring you respect and admiration yet it doesn't require ANY CREDENTIALS WHATSOEVER!!!

Sound too good to be true? Well... BELIEVE IT!

Thanks to an underutilized law called the First Amendment, anybody anywhere can take advantage of an exciting career as a NEWSPAPER REPORTER!

Just listen to some of our testimonials:

I had a boring, dead-end career in the legal profession. My life was going nowhere until that fateful day I sent away for your course. Now elected city officials and other dignitaries actually RETURN MY PHONE CALLS!! I even get free legal advice by interviewing attorneys for puff pieces on the law. The best part? No billable hours! -- Greta van S.

Before taking your course, I worked long hours at a Texas computer company. I didn't believe your claims at first, but I decided to purchase your system out of desperation. Am I glad I did! Not only am I getting my name in the paper on a weekly basis, early this year I wrote a stinging expose on my own company! -- Michael Dell

My system will get you results! Guaranteed!

On the very first day you'll learn my secrets of how to get VIPs to return your phone calls. In fact, just to get you to try my system I'm prepared to reveal one of my secrets right now!

RULE #1 -- ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS!

Example:

"Sir, I'm just calling to get your reaction to [insert one of the below]. It's probably just a rumor, but for the sake of balance I'm going to need your side of the story."

a) "the fire in your neighborhood." b) "a local judge's accusations of money laundering." c) "a medical report I just received from your doctor."

And that's just one example! Order my system today and you'll learn all the secret tricks used by journalists -- from New York City to Lantana, Florida!

You'll learn all these techniques:

How to use anonymous sources to boost your credibility.
How to write compelling quotes.
How to get a source to buy you lunch.
How to find out if a politician is on the take (Hint: Does he currently hold public office?)
How to stake out a restaurant parking lot for celebrities.
How to get quotes from your next door neighbor when pressed for a deadline.
How to tell if an athlete is using a banned substance.
How to get athletes to share their banned substances AND become anonymous sources.

You'll also learn useful insider secrets such as:

Libel Suits -- Don't worry! It's a legal hassle and sure death for politicians.
Errors of Fact -- Write bold headlines today, make little correction boxes tomorrow.
Spell Checking Software -- The copy editors off the 90s. You definitely need won.
The First Amendment -- The little loophole that makes it all possible.

Here's the sweetest part. As a member of the FOURTH ESTATE, you'll be granted immunity from embarrassing situations such as drug busts or solicitation of a prostitute. It's called the THIN GRAY LINE and it can work for you!

Think about it. Daryl Strawberry, star outfielder of the NY Mets, got popped for drug use -- even though he's a major sports figure! Charlie Sheen got fried in the press for his frolics with prostitutes -- even though he's a major movie star! Yes, even President Clinton couldn't shake the press when he got caught with his pants down -- and he's the leader of the free world!

In fact, unless you cross the line (such as killing your ex-spouse or dressing in women's lingerie) you can pursue a drug-riddled, sex-crazed lifestyle as a journalist and not only will you NEVER get busted, you might wind up as the central figure in a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!

Listen to this testimonial:

"I realized in the late 70s that I had a drug problem. I could either go through the hassle and embarrassment of rehabilitation OR I could embrace it, write about it and make a fortune! Say what you will, it's always worked for me!" -- H. S. Thompson

Order right now and you'll also receive:

An authentic-looking Sonoma County Press Club membership card!
Blank copies of Lesher News Award certificates. Just fill in your name!
A fedora!
And most important of all -- the number to my 24-hour phone line, where I'll swear to god that you were the city editor of the Sonoma Westlake Post-Intelligencer Times & News in Hot Springs, South Dakota!

Normally, a career change can cost up to thousands of dollars not to mention years of drudgery in a university or trade school. But the price of my entire "How To Be A Journalist in 30 Days or Less!" -- including the 50-page step-by-step guide, the blank awards forms, the Press Club card and the 24-hour job confirmation hotline -- is only $499.50, a bargain compared to accredited programs.

But that's not your price, loyal ConstantCommentary reader!

Thanks to the miracle of the Internet, I'm prepared to sell you my entire system for the low, rock-bottom price of $29.95!!!. You read that right. Only three easy payments of $29.95!!!

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Your two special bonuses include:

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AND

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Send your order to muckracker@mikejasper.com. Or call my toll-free number at 512-916-3727. Don't delay! This is a one-time offer and will only be available for the next seven days.

Fourteen days, tops.

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