Hate Mail & Love Letters #3

(WARNING: If you have never read this column before, don't waste your time. You won't get it. Instead, click the link below and check out some of my older columns.

Come to think of it, I think you better skip last week's column as well.

Older Columns

If you are a regular reader, please continue)

It seemed like a good idea, you know? Write a trumped up column to pass as an April Fool's joke only to come back with a REAL zinger of an April Fool's joke at the end. To me the idea seemed well-conceived, even a little ingenious. After all, last week marked my 50th column and I wanted to make the occasion memorable.

I made it memorable, all right. And in the process I shot myself in the dick.

Do I get letters? Oh yeah. But last week I got a shitload of letters, about 60 in all. Enough letters to realize my little practical joke -- like most of my practical jokes -- had backfired.

Man, did it ever backfire. First, I felt compelled to answer 60 fucking letters. Second, some people wrote me and said, "Sorry to see you go. Guess I'll take the link to ConstantCommentary® off my Web site."

Third, what about the new people? Didn't I forget to consider the new people? How about the Web surfer who saw my site for the first time only to discover it would be no more? Was that fair to them? To me?

And then I thought: fuck the new people.

Here's a sample of some of the letters I got last week. I did some editing but you'll get over it.

Oh. One other thing...Gotchya!

Incoming...

Jasper,

GAWD!

You brat! If you were here I'd smack you around! But......you'd like that, so it's hardly a deterrent.

Jeez, Jasper, it's so far past April 1, I totally forgot April Fool's Day. I ought to tie you up and--no, wait, that falls under "encouragement" again, doesn't it?

Hmmmmm......give me a second.

Let me think.

Ah, yes.

UNfuck you, Jasper. UNfuck you.

*g* Love you.

PS -- When I do get to TX, however, I will be putting salt-peter in those beers I offered.

Just a friendly warning.

Deb

MJ: You should really consider putting Viagra in those beers. No use wasting good salt-peter. What's it going to do anyway, make my tongue limp?

Are you really calling it quits? MOTHER FUCKER AFTER I GOT ALL THOSE
FUCKING PEOPLE IN MY CLASS TO READ YOUR SHIT YOU FUCKING QUIT!?!

You bastard.

Jason

MJ: You know, Jason, I only agreed to let you on my mailing list because you promised not to share the column with the other fifth graders.

WHAT????

You never told me about the fifty thing....are you serious??? Is this a "please write and beg" thing??? You know, in sales we call it the take away. In real life we call it the bondage and video tape of me having oral sex thing.....

Either way, they say the take away always works. For example, your girlfriend says, "I want more time alone"....you obsess and assume she is screwing your brother and suffocate her like she really wants.

Another good take away,.....you are shopping for a speedo for summer.....the sales person says,"we don't have this in size small in the Turkish prison set 3-D/circus pattern".......you obsess, and have her call all the stores...pretty soon you have five. The take away.

Are you quitting cause I said I am coming to Austin and you want to free up all your time???? Just tell me the truth, I won't be afraid.....but knew it anyway.......I had Jasper tattooed on my body just in case.

hahahaha
as always,
Suzanne

MJ: That's amazing? Cause I had your name tattooed on my dick. The tattoo says, "Suzanne, I can't wait until you come to Austin and spend some time with me this spring so I can show you everying I've always ever wanted to show you." And it's in 48-point bold print, babe.

I just read your latest column...ack! That's it???? No more ConstantCommentary?????? No, don't let it stop!

By the way, I am suspecting you'll get a slew of e-mail just like this.

TheDrunkOne

MJ: You think?

What's this I read? Your last column? Really?

That was one of your best columns; very funny. If it really, truly is your last column, it's a great one to go out on.

But before I go, I just want you to know that you're the most incredible lover I've ever known. Every day of my life I think of you and my nipples get hard, my pussy gets wet and shivers run down my spine. You've got to promise me one more night Jasper, please Jasper... just one more night. Do I ask for too much?

Mary C.

MJ: Okay, I wrote the last paragraph of this letter. Come on, I told you there'd be some editing involved.

Hey, Jasper Man, the old Jasperator, Mr. Jaspmeister.... What's the haps, mud flaps? It's me, yer old pal Dee, hanging out with Mary the C, up to our old tricks.

Tonight she's making me look at dirty web sites where innocent people are relieving their bladders in public restrooms while being captured on hidden cameras.

What's happened to the America we once knew and loved?

Deeeee

MJ: Beats me. I'll write you about it later after the negatives dry.

i JUST joined your mailing list, you cant quit i've only read three, THREE. i think im gonna cry :( cant you go to another 50??????????????????????????

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope i don't ever forget about this column, that would suck severely.

Love
Shadlee from Lincoln, Nebraska

MJ: I appreciate your loyalty, Shadlee, and don't believe for a minute that I think you love me only because you live in Nebraska where there's nothing much else to do.

leaving... when i've come to depend on your weekly version of crap........as an old musician; i can safely say..........u done good.........let me know if any extremely successful, wealthy, degenerate bands down there need an intense, improvisational, oooold, lazy, drummer............thanks for the mammaries.........yr.2nd biggest fan.........jmt

MJ: It's always about you, isn't it?

no no NO!!!!

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE MIKE??

why are you stopping? okay okay i vaguely read something about you quitting after 50 columns....but i sure as hell don't understand!!

why 50? if you are still enjoying writing the column, then there's no reason for you to stop y'know. word schmword! go on...renege...michael jordan did it, and he didn't lose THAT much credibility...

chatyalatahopefully,
leigh

MJ: You have to understand, Leigh. Michael Jordan was only a basketball player, whereas I write a column on the Web.

"...you can pursue a drug-riddled, sex-crazed lifestyle as a journalist..."

Now, I'm not going to speak to the drug-riddled part, other than to say that the average journalist's salary means that you're more likely to find Fourth Estaters pushing the stuff than smoking it. (Hey, a girl's gotta eat.) But sex-crazed? Check your records. Most journalists are WAY too obnoxious to get laid on any regular basis.

MJ: Enough already with the Matt Drudge comparisons.

We don't make enough money, we're utterly self-absorbed (all those Great American Novels we're biding our time on have made us both arrogant and whiny about how no one appreciates our genius), and most of all we all have a hunched, wan, and otherwise unhealthy appearance from too much computer time. Sad but true.

MJ - My wan is perfectly straight, lover.

That said -- heavens, this is IT?! The last one? I'm going to miss you. Let me know when you hook up with your next venue, whatsoe'er it be; after all,columns come and go, but you can't keep a good voice down.

All best --
Angela G.

MJ: That's so incredibly sincere I can't bring myself to write the oral sex reference I had planned to put here.

Quit your column?

Ha! Snarf!

Yeah...right.

You know, Jasper, you never were worth a shit as a liar, I have always been able to see through your bullshit. Besides, it's April Fool's day.

Nice try comrade.

Frank

MJ: Snarf? Snarf? What are you, a fucking cartoon dog? And as to seeing through my bullshit... blow me.

You know they actually ask for evidence that you've had all yours shots for disease control before they let you register at UT?

MJ: I'm not surprised, but then I've met you in person.

Man. Bet they have a really bad rat problem. The next plague is coming out of that place, I tell ya. Maybe I should just order your journalist kit and forget this damn higher education shit. ;)

MJ: You'd save a lot of dough and time. And you wouldn't have to carry around a copy of Steppenwolf to get laid either.

The column's been great, man. Hate to see you give it up.'Course, probably is a good idea to quit now before they pass a law and send the fuzz or troops from Fort Hood to haul you away.

MJ: Have you heard something?

Anyway, take it easy. Good luck in whatever your next "fifty-and-I'm-out" project happens to be.

William

MJ: Believe me, if I ever do a "fifty-and-I'm-out" project again it'll be a speedball suicide five years from now on my birthday.

I just read tonight's column. When I got to the end, I felt a bit cheated that the column was a shoddy piece of cyber infomercialism (is that an oxymoron?).

I counted and it garnered one chuckle. Usually there's a bit more chuckling as well as guffawing to be had.

The End,
Lisa

MJ: Holy shit, Lisa. It was a fucking April Fool's column for crissakes. What do you do for Thanksgiving, heckle the bird? "What?! Turkey again?"

WAIT A MINUTE!!! Today's April 1st... Argh, you fucking fooled everyone.
Right? I hope so.

Dima

MJ: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, you caught me.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.