Roventini's Magic Trick

Last weekend, I covered the Austin City Council elections. All three incumbents won. Makes sense. After all, they chose a good slogan...

MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!!!

I think that was their slogan. Don't hold me to it. I do know they stood for smart growth, saving the Barton Springs salamander and preserving clean drinking water. The challengers? They held a bad attitude toward amphibians and could care less if Austinites drank from cesspools.

Ha! Like anyone would deign to drink tap water? I ask you, do you drink tap water? Do you? The only water I drink comes from the supermarket. And it's usually laced with hops.

Here's the big news: The city gave me a press pass and a table to cover the elections. There I was -- me, the king of the F-word -- ensconced in the basement of Palmer Auditorium and covering the news for the Oak Hill Gazette. I snapped photos, I interviewed candidates, I ate free food, I consumed many cokes and pretended to be important.

Most of all, I was intense. I was on deadline. The election took place Saturday and I needed the story by Thursday. That only gave me four days to write it. Pressure? Believe it.

"Do you think you have a chance for a runoff at this point?" I asked one challenger. Fair question. Sure, most people would have waited until some election results trickled in, but I like to be first.

I saved the tough questions for the incumbents. "Councilmember, when playing golf do you inhale or exhale on your backswing?"

Although I strive to be fair, I have to admit I supported the incumbents. Why? Because I employ a similar slogan to theirs:

EVERYBODY SUCKS!!!

After the gig, I was invited to the incumbents' victory party (Threadgill's World Headquarters, $5.95 chicken-fried steak every night). There I learned something I didn't know: I work for a conservative newspaper.

Ramona (don't ask) introduced me to an ardent environmentalist who pointed his long liberal finger at me and said, "Oh so you work for the Oak Hill Gazette, huh? That's that conservative newspaper in Southwest Austin."

I was taken aback. I had never considered the Oak Hill Gazette to be liberal or conservative, just mediocre. I'm always prepared for criticism and whenever someone tells me, "The Oak Hill Gazette sucks," I'm armed with a comeback: "Oh... so you do read us then."

But conservative? News to me. How would I know? After all, they hired me. That's PRETTY fuckin' liberal.

After further inspection I decided the environmentalist was right. Why? Because the Oak Hill Gazette covers Southwest Austin and Southwest Austin is very Republican, very conservative and very white. Lily-white.

For example: I'm the only Mexican who lives in Southwest Austin. Or so they say. I've tried to tell them I'm half Irish and half English, but since I grow facial hair and use the landromat on a weekly basis, they won't hear otherwise.

But I digress. What I really want to tell you about is...

THE BEST POLITICAL MOVE I EVER SAW!!!

Originally, I wanted to tell you about Bill Roventini. I'll keep that promise, but like a politician I'll make you wade through a lot of bullshit first.

Roventini was a councilmember for the city of Sebastopol in northern California. I forget the year. I want to say 1988, maybe 1989. Definitely not the 90s. I was fired by then.

Anyway, Roventini -- you remember the California councilmember -- says, "Look. We've just spent 10 million dollars for a new police station but we have no access road to it. We need to build a road and according to city staff it will cost the city $200,000."

A big argument ensues. Where is the money going to come from? Do we really need the road? The taxpayers are going to kill us. No shit, are we really building a police station?

The debate carries on for about a half an hour and Roventini won't budge.

"What would you have us do? Are we going to have police officers drive through the mud to get to work? Are we going to have citizens pole vault to get to the police station? We need a road. We've already spent 10 million for a police station, what's another $200,000?"

More arguments. Some councilmembers say $200,000 is a lot of money, especially if it's not in the city budget. Some say, "Yes you're right, we do need a road, but where is the money going to come from?"

Finally, the city manager -- who's name I've forgotten because he once impugned my height -- says, "Well, we do have $200,000 in matching funds from the federal government, if we can claim it's urban blight."

Urban blight it is.

So I watch all of this thinking what I usually do: "Don't fall asleep. Whatever you do, don't fall asleep."

Finally Roventini makes a motion.

"I move that we allocate $200,000 toward the construction of a road to the new police station."

Someone seconds it and the vote is cast. The first councilmember says yes, the second agrees and the third says, "Why not?"

Now it's Roventini's turn. He looks up and down the dais. Five councilmembers and three yes votes, enough to pass the motion and get the new road for the police station. He figures what the hell.

"No," he says. "I vote no."

I turn to Bruce Robinson -- a reporter for another newspaper -- and we both burst out laughing. Is Roventini a genius or what?

We can see the future, Bruce and I. Later on some constituent asks, "Who wasted $200,000 on this road to the police station?"

And Roventini can claim, quite accurately, "Not me. I voted no."

Another constituent says, "Thank god someone had the foresight to see we needed this road to the police station."

And Roventini can say, "Ah, yes. That was my idea."

It was a beautiful move then and it's a beautiful move now.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.