What's in a name?
(by Cristoff Wilybald Gluck)

I'm listening to my favorite new band, Grudgefuck. Catchy name, isn't it? I'm their producer-slash-manager. Translation: I return their phone calls.

Names are important. If this band brandished a bland handle I wouldn't be so interested. For example, any band name ending in the word "band" sucks. The Bill Cody Band or the Jason Blue Band or even worse the Steve Miller Band.

But Grudgefuck works.

One night I was watching a local access TV show hosted by a woman called Leg and it got me thinking about names again (I swear, no dick jokes). Her first topic of the night?

"Anyone named Mike is an asshole and anyone named Kim is crazy. Call in if you agree."

I was tempted to call. I started a whole list of celebrity notables, none of whom are regarded as assholes: Michael Jordan, Michael Landon, Michael J. Fox, Michael McDonald. But then I heard her say Michaels didn't count -- only Mikes -- so I lost my leverage.

Her premise bothered me, since Leg's a friend of mine. She's the very able cameraman (gender specific doesn't bother her) for Dave Prewitt's CapZeyeZ, a TV showcase for Austin bands and musicians. I've been on the show several times and Leg and I always seemed to hit it off.

So the next time I was on the show I asked her about the Mike thing while we were drinking pre-production booze from a flask at the picnic tables outside the TV station.

"Leg you think I'm an asshole? Cause I caught your show on Kims and Mikes."

She shook her head emphatically. "No, it's just been my personal experience that Mike's are assholes. Or former assholes. You must be reformed."

"Cool," I said.

But a little later I thought: Mikes are either assholes or former assholes? Wait a minute, doesn't that describe every heterosexual male in the world?

Maybe she meant to say Mick. All Micks are assholes, that's for sure. They're loud, obnoxious, self-centered and vain. They prance around like they're Mr. Big Shot with that gold tooth gleaming from their mouths and all those garish clothes they wear. Always flaunting their money and jabbering on with that thick-lipped English accent.

Hmmm. Maybe it's just the one guy.

Still, some names do seem to strongly indicate personality traits.

For example, I've learned that women named Debbie or Lori are likely to fuck you on the first date. Not Debras or Debs or Lauras or even Lauries, but only Debbies and Loris. Lorettas won't, that's for sure. Lorettas are very uptight. Unless they're black. Then they're hotties.

What else?

Marys. True, Marys may not fuck you on the first date, but when they finally do, you'll know it. Every Mary I ever knew reeked of sexual energy. Same with Karins and Pattys. But not Sylvias. Sylvias will jerk you around forever.

What else?

Dees are cock teasers, almost always. The only exception is when a Dee shares a house with a Mary. If that happens, a transformation in the Dee takes place and both the Mary and the Dee become sexually enhanced. Beyond belief. The combination is so potent they're often mistaken for lesbian lovers, but it's not true. They're just waiting for me to drop by.

By the way, I'd never use this column to manipulate anyone for my own personal gratification.

What else?

Oh yeah, Wayne. Can't leave out Wayne. If you want to raise a criminal suspect, call him Wayne. Or even better, Duwayne. Better still, John Wayne Anything. John Wayne Smith, John Wayne Bobbitt, John Wayne Gacy, John Wayne Rabinowitz, it doesn't matter. The fucker's gonna have legal problems.

What else?

Here's one. Contrary to popular belief, Bruce is not a gay name. Or so Springsteen mumbled to me one day. His mouth was full at the time. (No, that doesn't count as a dick joke.)

All Brucies are gay, though. You can take that to the Bank Club.

What else?

Jesus. Depends on how it's pronounced. If it's Hey Zeus, he's going to jail. If it's Gees Us, he's going to the loony bin.

Here's another one. Hortense. Never fucked a Hortense. But if you switch the syllables, yeah. I've done that.

Look. I know what I'm talking about. I've been with 212 women, 216 if you count crying games. I'm giving you the benefit of my experience and I wish I could give you more.

Other names that stand out: Pamelas, Heathers, Karens (either spelling works), Pats, Dianes, Candys, Wendys, Valeries, Marias, Christys, Christies, Kristies or Kristys (but not Christinas), Sydneys, Paulas all these (and many, many more) are names of women who will fuck my brains out. Guaranteed.

There are some names who refuse to have sex with me. Like Brucie. Never fucked a Brucie.

Slow news day, boys and girls. I just got a little riled by the "All Mikes Are Assholes" routine.

Fuck it, I'll pull a Prince. I'll be the columnist formerly known as Mike Jasper. I'll change my name to two quick handclaps. What an entrance. "Look everybody, it's (clap-clap)." Then the lights will turn on. Or off. Depending.

I can't believe I got all worked up over this. After all, it's just one woman's opinion. And she's called... Leg.

What the fuck's up with that?

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.