The Myth of Women's
Orgasms
Women's orgasms are something men take
on faith, like belief in God. We think there's something out
there, but damn if we can prove it.
Truth is, we never really know -- especially
since we saw the restaurant scene from "When Harry Met Sally."
For all we know, all women's orgasms could be acting jobs --
there's just no proof. No gushers, no ejaculate, no evidence.
Sure, every once in a while someone testifies
to the existence of women's orgasms (YES! YES! YES!). We feel
a tremble, see the eyes roll and hear the speaking of tongues,
but do we really know? Of course not. Despite all the antics,
alone late at night she may be thinking, "Fooled the fucker
again."
And we wonder why there's no intimacy
anymore.
Women's orgasms are like UFO sightings.
Until the 1950s, hardly anyone reported the existence of UFOs.
Now, nearly everyone's claimed to have seen something in the
sky. But does that mean UFOs exist? No.
The history of women's orgasms follows
the same pattern: nothing much till the 50s, peaking in the 70s,
waning a bit in the early 80s, rediscovered with the G spot in
the late 80s, and still controversial in the 90s.
Of course, most men take a philosophic
view of the whole orgasmic consciousness -- I came, therefore
I'm done.
Scientific debate aside, women's orgasms
really only come in two varieties: Younger women's and older
women's.
Younger Women
Remember the opening scene of Mark Twain's
book Tom Sawyer? As you recall, Tom and Huck and the boys have
a date to meet at the old cemetery to conjure a magical cure
for warts. Everything has to be just so. The meeting must take
place precisely at midnight. Intricate incantations are recited.
A dead cat must be rubbed on the offending growths at just the
right time and the rubbing has to be exactly the right speed,
pressure and direction.
That's pretty much what it takes to make
a young woman come.
If a young woman has ever orgasmed before,
she knows exactly how it happened and believes it must happen
exactly the same way. And it wasn't by simple intercourse, you
can count on that. Oral sex, maybe. Finger manipulation, likely.
In addition, environmental factors must be taken into consideration,
such as time of day, lighting, aftershave applied, ovulation
cycle, type of music on the stereo and the right number of drinks.
You get the picture, don't you Huck?
Many younger women like to downplay the
orgasm. "It's just not that important to me," she says.
Or she'll swear she only wants the intimacy of the sexual embrace,
and when you ask her if she's orgasmed, she says: "Just
hold me, okay?" Pay attention to this, she's doing you a
favor. What she's really saying is: "Give it up, you don't
have a chance. You'd have an easier time sucking milk from a
woolly pig than getting any reaction from me."
All of this is great news to a young man,
since he's already come three or four times and is sick of trying.
But it's terrible news to an older man since our best orgasms
are behind us. Where once stood majestic Roman candles -- strong
and mighty, ready to blow at any second -- now hang sawed-off
squirt guns. So we turn to the oooobabies, ahhhhhs and yes-yes-yesses
of a woman's orgasm in a vain attempt to recapture our lost youth.
Fortunately, it works.
Besides, we never really believe young
women orgasm anyway. After a young woman's orgasm, we may applaud
her, compliment her, commiserate with her, laugh with her or
cry with her, but we sure as hell don't believe her. Whether
the orgasm's real or rehearsed is not the question. Young women
aren't convincing, not like the...
Older Woman
For the sake of definition, just what
is an older woman? Hard to say. Could be as young as a 28, but
definitely a woman 35 or older. Same as men, after you add ten
years.
We know a sexy older woman when we meet
one. She knows how to please a man and be pleased by him. She
has that gut level urgency, that oh-my-God-the-times-running-out-on-my-biological-clock
hysterical pelvic-thrust that demands hot sperm NOW. Her body
will short-circuit any political or sociological biases that
may roam like thugs through her brain.
She may think, "All men are pigs."
But that thought is soon replaced by, "I need hard dick
now." Pig dick it is.
With a mind fueled by guilt and desire
and a body fired with biological intensity, she becomes an orgasmic
furnace, ready to take on all comers.
I have to go to the bathroom now, but
I'll be right back.
Of course if she is no longer fertile,
then she is a dedicated orgasmitron and likely to fuck your brains
out just on principle. You can't lose with older women.
Whether an older woman orgasms or merely
fakes it is of no consequence whatsoever. We believe them. We
do, we do, we do. And why not? If there really is any such thing
as women's orgasms, then she has been conditioned to receiving
pleasure for years. But what if she's only faking it? Who cares?
After all those years of rehearsing, she's so damn good at faking
it's exciting anyway.
I knew one woman who performed with ear
splitting believability. She was a screamer. I could always tell
when she came because the police would be at the door. Her performance
featured well-placed moans, serpentine shudders, holy roller
trembles and screams worthy of shark-attack victims. To this
day, I don't know if her orgasms were real or faked. To this
day I don't care.
How To Make Any Woman Orgasm
It all comes down to four magic words.
I've tried it all: oral stimulation, finger manipulation, donkey
fucking and dildoes. Nothing works with 100 percent accuracy
except the four magic words.
"Baby, masturbate for me."
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1997 by Mike Jasper.
|