The myth of the female orgasm
Women's orgasms are something men
take on faith, like belief in God. We think
there's something out there, but damn if we can
prove it.
Truth is, we never really know --
especially since we saw the restaurant scene from
"When Harry Met Sally." For all we know, all
women's orgasms could be acting jobs -- there's
just no proof. No gushers, no ejaculate, no
evidence.
Sure, every once in a while
someone testifies to the existence of women's
orgasms (YES! YES! YES!). We feel a tremble, see
the eyes roll and hear the speaking of tongues,
but do we really know? Of course not. Despite all
the antics, alone late at night she may be
thinking, "Fooled the fucker again."
And we wonder why there's no
intimacy anymore.
Women's orgasms are like UFO
sightings. Until the 1950s, hardly anyone reported
the existence of UFOs. Now, nearly everyone's
claimed to have seen something in the sky. But
does that mean UFOs exist? No.
The history of women's orgasms
follows the same pattern: nothing much till the
50s, peaking in the 70s, waning a bit in the early
80s, rediscovered with the G spot in the late 80s,
and still controversial in the 90s.
Of course, most men take a
philosophic view of the whole orgasmic
consciousness -- I came, therefore I'm done.
Scientific debate aside, women's
orgasms really only come in two varieties: Younger
women's and older women's.
Younger Women
Remember the opening scene of
Mark Twain's book Tom Sawyer? As you recall, Tom
and Huck and the boys have a date to meet at the
old cemetery to conjure a magical cure for warts.
Everything has to be just so. The meeting must
take place precisely at midnight. Intricate
incantations are recited. A dead cat must be
rubbed on the offending growths at just the right
time and the rubbing has to be exactly the right
speed, pressure and direction.
That's pretty much what it takes
to make a young woman come.
If a young woman has ever
orgasmed before, she knows exactly how it happened
and believes it must happen exactly the same way.
And it wasn't by simple intercourse, you can count
on that. Oral sex, maybe. Finger manipulation,
likely. In addition, environmental factors must be
taken into consideration, such as time of day,
lighting, aftershave applied, ovulation cycle,
type of music on the stereo and the right number
of drinks.
You get the picture, don't you
Huck?
Many younger women like to
downplay the orgasm. "It's just not that important
to me," she says. Or she'll swear she only wants
the intimacy of the sexual embrace, and when you
ask her if she's orgasmed she says: "Just hold me,
okay?" Pay attention to this, she's doing you a
favor. What she's really saying is: "Give it up,
you don't have a chance. You'd have an easier time
sucking milk from a woolly pig than getting any
reaction from me."
All of this is great news to a
young man, since he's already come three or four
times and is sick of trying. But it's terrible
news to an older man since our best orgasms are
behind us. Where once stood majestic Roman candles
-- strong and mighty, ready to blow at any second
-- now hang sawed-off squirt guns. So we turn to
the oooobabies, ahhhhhs and yes-yes-yesses of a
woman's orgasm in a vain attempt to recapture our
lost youth. Fortunately, it works.
Besides, we never really believe
young women orgasm anyway. After a young woman's
orgasm, we may applaud her, compliment her,
commiserate with her, laugh with her or cry with
her, but we sure as hell don't believe her.
Whether the orgasm's real or rehearsed is not the
question. Young women aren't convincing, not like
the...
Older Woman
For the sake of definition, just
what is an older woman? Hard to say. Could be as
young as a 28, but definitely a woman 35 or older.
Same as men, after you add ten years.
We know a sexy older woman when
we meet one. She knows how to please a man and be
pleased by him. She has that gut level urgency,
that
oh-my-God-the-times-running-out-on-my-biological-clock
hysterical pelvic-thrust that demands hot sperm
NOW. Her body will short-circuit any political or
sociological biases that may roam like thugs
through her brain.
She may think, "All men are
pigs." But that thought is soon replaced by, "I
need hard dick now." Pig dick it is.
With a mind fueled by guilt and
desire and a body fired with biological intensity,
she becomes an orgasmic furnace, ready to take on
all comers.
I have to go to the bathroom now,
but I'll be right back.
Of course if she is no longer
fertile, then she is a dedicated orgasmitron and
likely to fuck your brains out just on principle.
You can't lose with older women.
Whether an older woman orgasms or
merely fakes it is of no consequence whatsoever.
We believe them. We do, we do, we do. And why not?
If there really is any such thing as women's
orgasms, then she has been conditioned to
receiving pleasure for years. But what if she's
only faking it? Who cares? After all those years
of rehearsing, she's so damn good at faking it's
exciting anyway.
I knew one woman who performed
with ear splitting believability. She was a
screamer. I could always tell when she came
because the police would be at the door. Her
performance featured well-placed moans, serpentine
shudders, holy roller trembles and screams worthy
of shark-attack victims. To this day, I don't know
if her orgasms were real or faked. To this day I
don't care.
How To Make Any Woman Orgasm
It all comes down to four magic
words. I've tried it all: oral stimulation, finger
manipulation, donkey fucking and dildoes. Nothing
works with 100 percent accuracy except the four
magic words.
"Baby, masturbate for me."
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be
funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're
on your own. Copyright 1997 by Mike Jasper.
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