Title 9 doesn't work

I was a high school wrestler. I was pretty good too, until my dick got hard.

I wrestled for Santa Rosa High School in Sonoma County, about 60 miles north of the Golden Gate Bridge. One night we had a dual meet in Willits, about 100 miles north of Sonoma County.

Sonoma County is in the sticks, but Willits is in the sticks and stones. Bubbaland. Neckville. Hicker than thou.

My coach told me the Willits High School wrestling team didn't have anyone to wrestle at my weight class, so they were going to send in a cheerleader to wrestle me, hoping I'd go easy on her.

In high school wrestling, you get five points for a pin, three points for a decision. The Willits coach figured maybe he could avoid the five-point loss by sending in the girl. No such luck.

I told my coach, "Tell the Willits coach that if he puts a girl on the mat with me I'll give her the same respect I give any other wrestler. Tell him I plan to take her down with a single-leg, wrap her in a grapevine and pin her with a banana splits."

A banana splits was one of my favorite moves. You wrap your left leg around your opponent's left leg, from the inside. Then you reach over and grab his (or her) right leg, roll back to your left and pull as hard as you can. But first you make a wish.

When it comes to sports, I'm very egalitarian

Which brings me to Title 9. After the American team won the Women's World Cup soccer title last week, some members of the media cited Title 9 as the turning point for women's sports. This is why the American women fielded a winning team, they said.

For those who don't know, Title 9 requires American high schools and colleges to spend fifty percent of its athletic budget on women's sports. It's supposed to foster athletic parity between the sexes.

Bullshit. It fosters bullshit.

All Title 9 does is eliminate men's sports, it doesn't create new opportunities for women. Take my old college, Sonoma State. They used to have a football team -- not a good football team, mind you -- but a team lucky enough to once include Larry Allen, who went on to be an All-Pro lineman with the Dallas Cowboys.

Thanks to Title 9, Sonoma State dropped its football program. Title 9 didn't help the college create new women's athletic programs -- the money wasn't there -- it just helped to kill an existing program.

I don't see how losing a football team helps women. I do see how it helps soccer players.

Sonoma State's experience was not atypical. Football programs cost a lot of money to run. Other sports, such as soccer or basketball, don't require as much money to maintain. So, using money as the criterion doesn't make sense. It should be equal opportunity, not equal dough. If you've got 30 men participating in football and 30 women participating in less-expensive field hockey, why should money matter?

The only way to spend as much money on field hockey as football is to pass out cocaine before the game. It's also the only way field hockey becomes popular.

I, of course, have a solution. Let's make college football coed. If a woman is good enough to make the team, she's in. Remember, I went to Sonoma State. I know several women good enough to make that team.

See? Title 9 has killed an opportunity for budding women football players. Too bad.

So why are women's sports catching on? I'll tell you why: Nike, Adidas, LA Gear. Shoe companies, baby. They see a new market, so they're willing to sponsor things like the WNBA and the women's soccer team. Too bad they didn't see the market potential while Cheryl Miller was still in her prime. (Note: For those who plan to bitch about this particular column, at least take the time to find out who Cheryl Miller is. Most of you probably never heard of her. But I've heard of her. Me. A man.)

This year, the women's tennis players at Wimbledon clamored for an equal share of the prize money. I think they deserve it. Sure, Pete Sampras can play on grass like no other tennis player before him, but he's a boring fuck. And does he have tits? Not good ones. I'll watch Martina Hingis, Anna Kournikova and Venus Williams any day. You just can't measure the impact they have on the game. They haven't released the figures.

Once Wimbledon finally pays men and women equally, I think the final match should be between the men's champ and women's champ. Winner gets a bonus.

Nothing like a reality check.

You can bet on this: if it's a pussy sport -- soccer, ice skating, softball, tennis -- I'll always prefer watching the women. It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the game.

Besides, there's no such thing as equality. Believe it. I learned that the hard way as a sports writer for the Sonoma State Star, when I was banned from a locker-room interview with the women's soccer team.

I do believe my rights were violated.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.