The three great police agencies: FBI, CIA, AOL

Last week, the day after sending out my mailing list, I tried to log-in to my America Online account to see how much hate mail I had gathered. A window came up that read, "Invalid Password."

Hmmm.

I tried again, but it still didn't work. I tried all my log-in names with no success. Holy shit, I thought, I've been hacked.

I called up the AOL 800 number and they switched me to the AOL support line.

"First, we're going to find out if there's something wrong with the AOL program installed on your computer, okay?" said AOL support geek Dexter Dweebish.

"Okay."

"First, go to your system folder. Now take the following preference folders and dump them in the trash, okay?"

"Okay."

"But don't empty the trash, okay?"

"Shit."

"Oh, well. Now, go ahead and restart your AOL program and try to log in, okay?"

"Okay."

"Did it work?"

"No, it still says 'Invalid Password.'"

"I'm going to switch you to someone else, okay?"

"Okay."

Elevator music ensues.

"Hi, this is Stacy."

"Hi, Stacy. I tried to log on to my AOL account, but it said the password was invalid."

"I know. We scrambled it."

"What?"

"We scrambled it so you couldn't log in."

"Oh. So my account was hacked, but it was hacked by AOL."

"Yes. We need to talk to the account holder."

The account is registered under my girlfriend's name.

"You can't talk to me? I use the account too."

"No, we need to talk to the person who actually owns the account. Have her call this number."

I called up Karin and explained the situation.

"Do I have to call now?" she asked.

"Yes, you have to call now."

"Why?"

"Cause I want to know what's going on."

I figured somebody finally complained about my column to AOL, which only makes a little sense. True, I send my mailing list through AOL, but the Web site itself is under a different hosting service.

Karin put me on hold while she talked to Stacy at AOL. Periodically, she gave me updates on the conversation.

"They want to know why you sent out 396 e-mails last night," she said.

"Tell them it's the voluntary column notification list for my award-winning humor column."

"They said you're supposed to ask permission first," she informed me.

"Every time?"

"I'll find out. Hold on." (pause)

"They say it's okay now, you don't have to ask permission anymore. They said they're trying to cut down on kiddie porn."

"What?"

"They said they're trying --"

"Yeah, I heard you. What the fuck is that all about?"

"I don't know. Can I go to lunch now?"

"Sure. Will the password work?"

"They gave us a new one. Write it down."

She told me the password and hung up.

So AOL is trying to catch kiddie pornographers? Fine. Who's going to argue against that? But are kiddie pornographers that fuckin' stupid? Do they really send out mass mailings on AOL?

"Hi. Got kiddie porn. Want some?"

Still, AOL's accusations make sense. Think about it: Every week, I send out a list of 396 names and I'm sure the powers-that-be at AOL know this. If you take the number 3 from 396, it corresponds with the letter "C" in the alphabet. The number 9 corresponds with the letter "I" and the number 6 with the letter "F." Put them together and they spell out CIF, which is obviously an acronym for "Children Is Fucking." Are the sleuths at AOL geniuses or what?

Anyway, I finally logged onto AOL and found only two "take-me-off­this-fucking-list" requests, along with one e-mail from a woman who wrote an intelligent rebuttal to my JFK Jr. column. Not bad.

I also found a note from Stacy at AOL Member Services. It started:

Thank you for calling America Online Member Services. I enjoyed talking with you today and hope you are satisfied with the service you received. This letter will provide you with some key tips on creating passwords that will maximize the security of your AOL account.

What the fuck is that all about? Since the only hackers who ever broke into my account turned out to be AOL crimestoppers, my password could be &%#jd4blowme6793!* and they'd still be able to get in.

So guess what password they assigned to us? Our state initials and zip code. That's really fuckin' secure, isn't it? To hack that password you'd have to be -- I don't know -- consciously trying.

There's more.

A couple of days later, Karin got an e-mail from AOL asking them to evaluate its customer service. Here's the first question they asked on the survey:

Q: Was Lisa the person who assisted you?
A: No.

The rest of the questions dealt with the quality and efficiency of Lisa's service. I've never had to deal with Lisa personally, but I hear she's quite good. Way better than Stacy.

Here's what I'm wondering: Couldn't they have just sent us a warning e-mail first?

Dear Customer:

 

You sent out a butt-load of e-mail last night. What's the deal? Please call us at 1-800-AOLBUST.

 

Sincerely,

Stacy
AOL Member Services
PS ­ Please do not attach any kiddie porn.

Then if we don't call within 24 hours, AOL can go ahead and scramble the password.

Here's what you're probably wondering: Why in the fuck do I use AOL in the first place?

Good question.

And now this week's headlines...

Red Hot Chili Peppers fiddle as Rome burns!!!

Woodstock didn't turn out to be the peace, love and harmony festival as billed. And I know why. Wrong drugs. Too much alcohol, not enough pot. You want crowd control? Pass out joints at the door.

Still, I'm not blaming alcohol for the fires, vandalism and rioting in Rome, N.Y. Forget what you read in the newspapers, the revolt had nothing to do with high concession-stand prices.

The Dave Matthews Band played. I would have fuckin' rioted myself.

Lance Armstrong, All-American Boy!!!

Naw, I'm not going to rag on Lance Armstrong. After all, not only did he come back from testicular cancer to win the Tour de France, he's also an Austinite. Got to be loyal to the homeboys, you know?

But...

I would like to point out one thing, me being me and all. Did he really conquer cancer? I saw him before and after his illness and I've got to tell you -- he doesn't look all that good to me. I know. He won the Tour de France. He beat the best cyclists in the world. He must be in great shape.

But his face looks gaunt, he's pale, and he's vegetarian thin. Don't get me wrong. I want to believe he's just fine, but I don't like what I think I see.

Can I get a witness?

Actions speak louder than words!!!

... only if you kill somebody. In truth, your venomous words will cancel out whatever good deeds you may do in your lifetime.

As I said, I only lost two subscribers after I published the JFK Jr. column. But in the last couple of months, I've lost two friends based on nothing more than e-mail, for crissakes.

They were both women, by the way. And I only fucked one. Draw your own conclusion.

So, you're a big Kennedy fan, are you? Mourning your little eyes out, are you? Well, if you want to actually do something as a tribute to JFK Jr., you might consider doing what I did: Go out and buy a copy of George.

At the very least, you'll keep some journalists employed for another month.

Jr. high school kids suck!!!

First, you should learn Jasper's Oral Sex Axiom: Blow-jobs bring bad press. Licking pussy brings party invitations.

A friend sent me the Web address to a Washington Post article entitled, "Unsettling New Fad Alarms Parents: Middle School Oral Sex." I don't know if oral sex is a new fad, but reporting on it in the Washington Post certainly is. (Don't worry. I've included the link below.)

Here's what intrigues me about the article: Apparently, a dozen girls were involved in the Williamsburg Middle School suckfest, but only two boys were busted. This raises more questions than it answers. Are we talking only about blow-jobs or are we also talking about muff-diving? If it's just blow-jobs, who are these lucky boys? Do they have a book deal in the works?

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the article:

Almost two out of three college students surveyed several years ago by the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction said oral sex is not equivalent to having sex.

Wait a minute. Didn't Clinton say that?

There's been so much publicity around AIDS and abstinence," one mother said. "The kids thought this is one way we can express the feelings in our adolescent bodies.

"They would argue they were acting responsibly," another mom said.

I take it no swallowing was involved.

Some of the students now consider their behavior infantile and degrading. Oral sex is okay in a long-term relationship, they say, but not the way they were practicing it a year ago. "Even today, it shocks me so much that I put myself at that level," one girl said. "I can't believe I was so weak."

Just think how weak she's going to feel once she's talked into anal intercourse as a form of birth control.

Now I understand the motivation behind the hooligans from Littleton, Colorado.

"I made it all the way to high school without once getting my dick sucked, and all I got was this lousy trench coat."

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.