The art of exploitation

Judging by my e-mail lately, a lot of you want me to write about the shootings in Atlanta. What's the point? I only comment on senseless killings. This wasn't one of them, for two reasons: 1) It happened in the South and, 2) He only killed day traders and members of his immediate family.

What's senseless about that?

Here's something senseless: The A&E (Arts & Exploitation) network featured a biography on some Canadian wrestler.

I couldn't believe it. I watched the first ten minutes and thought, "It's a gag, right? Yet it's not April Fools Day. Hmmm. Does this guy really exist? Do any of these people really exist? Wrestling is phony, so maybe this biography is too. That's it, it's a hoax. The Blair Wrestler Project or something. Then again, maybe I'm on acid."

After the show, I went to my computer and searched the web. Sure enough, Brett "The Hitman" Hart exists. I know it's true, cause I found this post on the web:

Yea, that Brett Hart vs Ric Flair match will be a good one, Brett will win. Owen does not deserver to be WWF champ though, Stone Cold is by far the fan favoirt, and Hogan should stay WCW.

You can't write dialogue like that. Not and feel good about it, anyway.

Here's the story of Brett Hart: His dad was a professional wrestler, who showed him wrestling holds in the basement on a daily basis. His dad would bend his arms into animal balloon shapes until Hart screamed in agony. After several minutes of torture, his dad would get bored and let him go.

"Growing up, I was terrified of my father," Hart says.

No shit. I'm afraid of the fucker.

Then in high school, a bully challenged Hart to a fight. Hart beat the living shit out of him. It was his last real fight.

The TV show left out the part where he sneaked into his mom's closet to try on her clothes, but we all know that worked into the equation at some point.

Hart's destiny lay before him: Either he could follow in his father's footsteps and become a professional wrestler, or he could follow in his mother's and become a female impersonator. He had the breasts for either.

In fairness, his mother was the only sane person in the family. She watched all four of her sons grow up to become professional wrestlers. Eventually, her four daughters all married professional wrestlers. Dad's basement was getting a little crowded.

"It just got worse and worse," Hart's mom said, and shook her head slowly. She probably thought she was on acid too.

Hart wrestled for the WCW for 14 years or so then got screwed over by his boss. Which makes him no better or worse than a Lockheed employee.

Meanwhile, at Biography.com someone posted:

I belive that Bret Hart should have been one of your canidates. He has put so much hard work into the sport. For over fourteen years he was the best in the buisness. Even though he has had some problems as of late, I hope to see him back in the ring soon. Please take consideration in Bret Hart, I mean you guys did a movie about him.

Another person posted:

brett hart was one of my favorite wrestlers back when he was the good guy of wwf. i didn't know what happened to him til i saw his bio. after seeing his bio i think he is the best wrestling role model ever and he is what the sport is all about (or what it should be about). thanx brett for always remembering who helped u get to where u are today. not vince mcmahon but your true fans and most importantly your hard work!!

I found these posts, of course, at the Professional Wrestling section of the Biography.com chat room.

What the fuck? And by that I mean... What the fuck?

Where was I sleeping when A&E's "Biography" got so weird? Here's a better question: Where was I sleeping when professional wrestling got so popular? Give me a break. Pro wrestling sucks and it will always suck. Why?

Cause you can't bet on it in Vegas, that's why.

Throughout his little bio, Hart kept trying to make the argument that pro wrestling wasn't a phony sport. He pointed out that he occasionally got hurt when some of the routines went awry.

Oh yeah? Well I once broke my ankle when I fell into a gopher hole running across my front lawn to my truck. But running across the front lawn to my truck is not a sport. Nine times out of ten, I'll make it in one piece.

Look. The muscles of pro wrestlers are real. So are their clothes. So are the vast majority of their audiences. So are the routines they rehearse. But when people like me say wrestling is phony, what we mean is this: You're only pretending to hit the other guy and the winner of the match is pre-arranged. Get it now, Hart?

Enough about wrestling. Wrestlers are only a symptom, A&E is the disease.

Still, I figured I'd give "Biography" another chance, so I tuned to A&E again Tuesday night. After all, I hadn't watched for awhile. Maybe the bio on Hart was a fluke. No such luck. Tuesday's bio featured John Wayne Gacy, a serial killer who often dressed as a clown.

Welcome to "Men In Circus Clothes Week" at A&E.

Anyway, I'm not going to bother to write about the shooter who killed all the people in Atlanta. I figure in a few months, A&E will broadcast his TV biography for all of us to enjoy.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.