Why the right don't write

There ain't no money in it.

I've been sitting on that column for awhile. True, it's a little short, but nothing more need be said.

Still, I can't help but notice George W. Bush, Jr. doing his fabulous impersonation of Tommy Chong.

"I only used drugs seven years ago. No, I mean seven times. Wait, 28 years ago. No, I mean when I was 28 years old."

Nice try, Junior.

Bush used cocaine seven years ago? Fuck, that wasn't even the 80s.

"But it seemed like the 80s, cause daddy was still president."

Frankly, I don't care whether Junior used blow or not. It's not like he has an important job, such as brain surgeon or airline pilot. He's just a politician. Drugs are designed for people like him: actors, musicians, cocktail waitresses, salesmen, comedians, politicians, school teachers. In other words, anybody who has to deal with people on a continual basis. You definitely need some drugs to pull that off.

If I were going to quiz someone about drugs, I'd ask three key questions:

1) Did you ever use drugs?

2) Did you ever go to a rock concert during the 60s, 70s or 80s?

3) Did you get laid by more than five partners during the 60s, 70s or 80s?

Any yes answer to the above and you're busted. (These questions might be valid in the 90s as well, but how in the fuck would I know?)

You had to smoke grass in the late 60s and 70s to get laid. That is, to get laid by someone good in bed. In the 80s, cocaine became the preferred drug of hot fucks. I've tried a lot of pick-up lines in my life, but nothing worked better than a line of coke during the 80s.

Now, everyone my age denies ever using drugs. Why? Medical insurance, mainly. To some extent jobs, but mostly medical insurance. You've got to lie your ass off to get the coverage.

I don't have medical insurance. But I do know doctors who can get me drugs, so I figure I'm covered.

There's only one baby-boomer presidential candidate I'm convinced never used drugs: Dan Quayle. All my life I've met whacked-out people like Quayle -- people I thought must be high for sure -- and they turned up clean. It makes sense. You need to have some social skills just to get offered drugs. (They're not free, you know.) Besides, it's just as well people like Quayle don't use drugs. It can only turn out badly for them. Like Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys.

I remember the first Quayle-like guy I ever met, at a USC frat party in 1972.

"So you just got out of the Air Force?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Were you ever in Viet Nam?"
"No."
"I hear the food's really good there."
"That's funny, man. You must be on some good shit. Got any more?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're high, right?"
"No. I would never use drugs. I'm in seminary."
"Oh. (Pause). Gotta go."

In truth, I don't use drugs anymore. I don't regret using them (especially mushrooms), but I've moved on to other things. Like the Internet. So no more drugs for me. Ever.

Unless you count caffeine, nicotine and alcohol. You're not going to count that are you?

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.