Is cool!

(My name is Oscar Rabinowitz, I live in Sebastopol, California with wife, Sylvia Rabinowitz who I meet in America and merry. I have job at 7-11, thanks to master degree in business from Universe City of Pakistan, wish now has atom bomb. My favorite American espression is cool! Thankyouverymuch for Mike Jasper who give me chance and desine page for me. Have question? Write me at assoscar@hotmail.com).

Dear Oscar,

You say that you have been there "two American years." Are American Years
longer or shorter than Pakistani years?

Ron Perrin
Sydney Australia (Adopters of the Julian Calendar)

Dear Ron,

American years shorter than Pakistani years. As saying goes, time flys when having good time!

Dear Oscar,

You be one seriously seriously sad sucker.

You be one seriously seriously seriously sad sucker.

Get more sleep.

Lots more sleep.

Lots and lots more sleep.

Lots and lots and lots more sleep.

PLEASE.

Larry McDonald, California

Dear Larry,

You keep writing, I sleep long time.

Dear Oscar,

Your column reminds me of Moon River.

Mike Davis, Austin, Texas

Dear Mike,

I think I know you! You five over from top. I'm sure I seen you befor. I never for get face.

Dear Oscar,
 
If smoking is bad for you, how come so many people do?
 
Dima, Montreal, Canada

Dear Dima,

Do what?

Dear Oscar,

So tell me, Oscar, is Rabinowitz a traditional Pakistani name?  Come to think of it, is Oscar a traditional Pakistani name? 
 
Ross Summers, Austin, Texas

Dear Ross,

I take lass name Rabinowitz after merry wife, Sylvia Rabinowitz. I take name Oscar form hot dog rapper.

Dear Oscar,

Is Mike Jasper finally admitting that he ran out of ideas several hundred columns ago and is now stooping to ripping of the beloved Apu of "The Simpsons?"  Who's the next guest columnist going to be, Barney Gumbel?  Or maybe Moe?

Ross Summers, Austin, Texas

Dear Ross,

Whoo-boy! You ass a lots of questions. I e-mail Jasper and ass what he things. He e-mail back and say, "Blow me." Is cool!

Dear Oscar,

I`ve got to tell ya something.
1) You suck.
2) Go back to Pakistan. Don`t fucking ask why. Please DON'T.
3) Before you do that, you can tell me how many blowjobs did Jasper receive from you.
4) Be honest, don`t worry, I`ve heard such things.
5) One thing is for sure - you look much better than Jasper.
6) He use to call you Karin (you can run but you cannot hide).
7) Fuck you!!!

Todor, Bombay, India

Dear Todor,

See now why Pakistan needs bomb?

Dear Oscar,
     

Do you ever have sexual fantasies about men? What about camels?

Atticus, Atlanta

Dear Atticus,

No fantasy about the mens. No camels either, Marlburros.

Dear Oscar,

I've always wanted to write my own column on the Internet. Do you have any advice?

J.D., Atlanta

Dear J.D.,

Is easy! Jasper ass me to write this column and say he will help. Since he has more experienced, I e-mail him and ass.

He e-mail back and say, "Yeah, I've got some advice. Get a fuckin' job."

Is cool!

Dear Oscar,

How long have you lived in the United States? I've been thinking of making the long trip across the Atlantic myself. Is it worth leaving your friends and family? Is America really the land of opportunity the Yanks claim it to be?

M. Mullen, Dublin, Ireland

Dear M. Mullen,

I live in this country two American years now. Is cool! I make lots of frends and merry girl so I can stay. I ass Jasper what he things. He e-mail back and say, "Get a fuckin' job, Mick."

I dont no how he know your first name.

Dear Oscar,

What does your wife do for a living?

Amanda Gurlick, Santa Fe, New Mexico

Dear Amanda,

She high school jim teacher.

Dear Oscar,

How did you learn to speak English?

Esubio, El Paso, Texas

Dear Esubio,

Is easy! I wash David Letterman show. He has too guys who travel America. I learn from them. Them and Jake Jo Johnson. I to want to travel America. Maybe on David Letterman show.

Dear Oscar,

Can you give advice on how to pick up the womens?

Sergio Slovotnic, Manhattan, New York

Dear Sergio,

Is not easy. Depend on how much they weigh. Ha! I make American joke. Meeting women not hard for me. I meet wife at convenient store where I work. She come in every day and order same thing, six packs of Pepsi and hot dog.

One day she come in for hot dog and I slip her the weenie. Ha! Joke agan.

You need to get off on computer and get out. Go to store, go to laundrymat, go to bar. Women has to eat, to wash, to drink. Or read personally ads. Women has to advertise. To find mens like us. Is true!

Dear Oscar,

I just found out my boyfriend, Travis, is seeing my best friend, Rhonda. It gets worse. Rhonda told me she only saw Travis because she's in love with me and wants us all to get together as a threesome. Meanwhile, I just found out I'm pregnant. I've tried to talk to my family about this, but my mom's always working down to the bar and my daddy's in jail. What should I do?

Debbie S., Mobilehome, Alabama

Dear Debbie,

Whoo-boy. This very, very hard question so I e-mail Jasper. He e-mail back and say you should call Jerry Springer, AA and COPS, in that odor. He also say you could sell your kid on Ebay, for he cares. Hope that helps. We both care.

Dear Oscar,

What's the proper way to use aluminum siding?

Tom Duwayne Crockett, North Platte, Nebraska

Dear Tom,

Never use aluminum sliding. Is dangerous! Could cut you, leave marks. Better to use water and plastic. Or better yet, use water sliding at pool. Is cool!

(Got a question you need answer? Write me, Oscar Rabinowitz, at assoscar@hotmail.com.)