Wacky web sites for a wainy day

The Dialectizer

I recently discovered a web site called the Dialectizer. Here's how it works: First, you either type some words into a box or plug in a web address. Then you choose from several dialect options, including Redneck, Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd (I would have called it Barbara Walters, but that's me), Swedish Chef, Pig Latin or Moron. Click on the Dialectize button and presto -- the text appears in the accent you've chosen.

I decided to test The Dialectizer using a simple quotation from dead Scottish poet Robert Burns.

"Oh, my love is like a red, red rose," I wrote. Then I selected the Elmer Fudd dialect. You knew I would.

"Oh, my wove is wike a wed, wed wose," it wead.

I tried it again, this time using the Cockney dialect. "Oh, right, my luv is like a red, right, red rose."

Blimey! I got into it and decided to go for the full wazoo, mikejasper.com. I plugged in the address to my web page, selected the Moron dialect and clicked the button. Nothing happened. The page looked exactly the same.

Apparently, it's broken.

TheSpark.com

Four enterprising youths from Harvard U. (I'm thinking dropouts, but I can't prove that) have designed a web site featuring several convenient time-wasters for the underemployed. Like me.

TheSpark's premier distraction continues to be the aptly named Pimpin' Cupid. Pimpin' Cupid allows chickenshits like you to anonymously approach a love interest via e-mail. Yes, it's weaselware for the new millennium, but you must first provide a login name and e-mail address before you're allowed to use the online probing device. (They also ask for your age and gender. Lie if you have to.)

In less than a minute after you register, you'll be sent an e-mail with your password. You then copy the password, return to Pimpin' Cupid, log in and list the e-mail addresses of everyone you want to stalk (let's be real here). After you finish naming names, you press the Update-Your-List button and the missives electronically stream to your unsuspecting prey.

Here's a sample of the e-mail Pimpin' Cupid sends out on your behalf:

From: "Pimpin' Cupid"

 

Someone *you know* likes you. And they've come to us to admit it.

 

Here at TheSpark.com we launched a web site that is revolutionizing crushes, dating, and affection. At least it makes the whole thing a little easier and a lot more exciting. And it's not so *serious*.

The way it works is simple: Come to our site and list the people you know with whom you'd like to go on a date, just for fun. If you pick someone who picks you, you get notified.

You might match today - you received this e-mail because someone has already chosen you for their list.

I tried it once, about six months ago, knowing full well I'd eventually write a column about the experience. I added a dozen or so women from my mailing list to my Pimpin' Cupid list and only got one response.

Here's what she wrote:

You scared the hell out of me. I've had one too many "secret admirers" in this lifetime.

Fortunately, she dropped the lawsuit.

Besides automated stalking, TheSpark features the ever-popular Purity Test, used to determine your level of purity and whether you're fit to hold government office. In this test, you answer a series of multiple-choice questions ranging from "Have you ever told a lie?" to "Have you ever knifed your ex-wife and her 'friend' in Brentwood, California?"

I took the test and discovered I was 28 percent pure. To put that in perspective, 96 percent of all respondents score higher and the average purity level hovers around 43 percent.

I'm considering a run for the Senate.

TheSpark offers several tests for your online enjoyment, including the Death Test (I'm kicking off at age 63) and the Un-telligence Test, which measures survival skills. I scored 67 percent on the Un-telligence Test the first time around. The fourth time -- when I claimed to be a 22-year-old female -- I scored 94 percent.

That's right. I lied. And I cheated. You have to understand. I'm only 28 percent pure.

TheSpark also offers one serious diversion called SparkNotes, Cambridge's answer to Cliff Notes. A dozen or so Harvard students contribute to this section, which provides synopses of famous works of literature such as Beowulf, The Great Gatsby, Huckleberry Finn, Jane Eyre and the obligatory plays of William Shakespeare.

I offered to help them out with Shakespeare and turned in a synopsis of Julius Caesar. Here's an excerpt:

"Et tu, Brute?" (This is the only line you'll actually ever remember.)

 

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears..." (Okay, you might remember that one, too.)

 

"Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a Colossus..." (Great pickup line at a gay bar.)

 

"Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look." (The gay pickup lines just keep getting better and better.)

 

"Upon what meat does this our Caesar feed?" (Are you detecting a trend? By the way, they all wear togas.)

Unfortunately, the nepotistic bastards decided to use their colleague's version instead.

For the record, those nepotistic bastards and creators of TheSpark include Chris Coyne, Eli Bolotin, Max Krohn and Sam Yagan, all of them naturalized U.S citizens. I'm assuming.

Love Story

At this ambitious site, you create your own love story suitable for publication. Little Java boxes prompt you to type in nouns, adjectives, your favorite catch phrase, names, places and numbers. When you finish, the site writes a romantic story based on your answers. Be creative.

Here's my latest effort. The words supplied by me are in boldface:

One sloppy summer day at Red's Recovery Room you see the most immoral creature you have ever seen. Her name is Tonya Hardun, and every move she makes just turns you on more and more. You nudge your best friend Oscar and say, "Wow, that has to be the most slutworthy body I have ever seen."

 

Suddenly, she looks in your direction and starts walking right towards you! She says, "I noticed you staring at me from over there. I just had to tell you, that I think you are so sticky, and was wondering if you'd like to go to Kansas with me and lick my pussy like an epileptic pit bull?"

 

With a stupid smile on your face you say, "Is cool!" and go with her. When you finally get to Kansas, she moves closer to you and gives you the biggest kiss ever. The two of you are passionately kissing, when you feel a dead weasel hit you on the back of the head. You open your eyes to find out it's all a dream, but there is a note left next to your bed.

 

It reads: "This is the love you've been waiting your whole life for. She will ask you out in 69 fucking days or less, but only if you send this e-mail to at least 10 people within the next few minutes. The more people you send it to, the sooner they will ask you out and the sooner you will both fall in love. Do not take this lightly, because if you simply ignore this, you will have bad luck in love for the next 69 fucking years!"

Brendan's Online Anagram Generator

Here's a funky little site called Brendan's Online Anagram Generator.

You take a name, type it in the box provided, hit a button and it spits out anagrams (a word or words made from another word or words, dipshit).

For example, I plugged in Texas and got At Sex. Which is fairly true. Then I typed in Jim Morrison, but unfortunately I didn't get what I was looking for -- Mr. Mojo Risin'. Tulsa spelled backwards produces A Slut, but I suppose everyone knows that.

Next, I typed in Mike Jasper. It spat out the word "asshole." I typed in my name again, but got the same result.

Apparently, it's broken.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.