Free Matthew McConaughey

I guess you heard the news out of Austin, Texas, the so-called liberal haven of the South: Matthew McConaughey got arrested for "resisting transportation." Is this a white guy crime, or what?

The way I heard it, the police (the comedy team, not the rock band) were summoned to McConaughey's house after a citizen complained of loud music coming from the movie star's Tarrytown neighborhood home. When the local constabulary arrived, they decided to look through a window (you can't look through a door, can you?) and found McConaughey playing bongos in the nude. They also spied a bong on his coffee table.

Ooooooooooo. Bust of the fuckin' year.

I can just picture these two schlubs at McConaughey's window. "Take a peak inside, Lem. Maybe he's fucking Sandra Bullock. I saw an episode of 'Action' once. It could happen."

By the way, the reason I know there were two cops on the scene is because the Austin Police Department always sends two cops, even for a routine traffic stop. These guys can't slap their monkeys without backup.

The good news? The cops didn't shoot McConaughey, thanks to Austin Police Directive No. 39, which states: "Don't shoot unless you can only see the whites of their eyes."

I'm sorry, you didn't hear about that? It seems the Austin PD has garnered some bad press of late, thanks to officers shooting unarmed African Americans. The problem stems from a small minority of police officers who condone this kind of behavior, such as police chief Stan Knee.

Chief Knee also supports the McConaughey bust and called it a "righteous collar." In an official statement, he said the police officers handled things quite well and were in no way guilty of using excessive force. Besides, he said, the officers were only following Austin Police Directive No. 23, which states: "Whenever possible, arrest a famous guy. There's no such thing as bad press."

The two officers lurking around McConaughey's home also defended their actions. "We had no choice but to just walk on in. The music was too loud."

Oh, yeah? Ever hear of knocking? Ever hear of knocking really fuckin' hard? How about doorbells? Ever hear of doorbells? Or try a bullhorn. They issue you fuckin' bullhorns, don't they? Hey, next time, why don't you just call?

It was a Mickey Mouse bust and everyone in Austin knows it, even other cops -- real ones. They're thinking, "Nice collar, guys. I was wasting my time apprehending a burglar and a three-time felon, but you guys took down a bongo player." That's what some of the cops are thinking. The others are thinking, "I always knew those guys were gay."

Believe me, this lame charge against McConaughey will eventually be thrown out of court, thanks to a little-known law called the Fourth Amendment. "Mr. McConaughey, the state hereby dismisses the charge against you, since the police did not secure a valid warrant before entering your home, as required by the Constitution of the United States of America. Also, starin' at naked men through windows is illegal in these here parts."

Thanks, Austin PD. Thanks for setting the Austin film industry back another five years. You arrested McConaughey, for crissakes, not Robert Downey Jr. It wasn't like he was spiking the arm, waving the gun, and sleeping it off in a neighbor's home.

Clearly, the city needs to get its police department under control. What's the next big gig for the Austin PD? Busting Sandra Bullock's New Year's Eve party at the lake?

"Tell you what, Lem, we gonna get a naked picture of her one way or the other."

I heard that the Hollywood film industry is moving to Austin. Is the fuckin' LAPD moving here too?

Probably, since Austin City Council Members (how is "member" not a sexist term?) perennially suck-up to the endorsements doled out by the Austin Police Association. Case in point: Mayor Kirk Watson recently told a gathering of the Austin PD, "We have hired a shitload of officers lately and we are at full employment capacity. Does that kick ass, or what?" (I think that's a fairly accurate quote.)

And like President Clinton, Mayor Watson believes hiring more police officers will reduce crime. There might be some truth to that. Hiring more police officers definitely reduces crime statistics, because once you put on that black uniform, it's like a fuckin' get-out-of-jail card for free!

Think about it. The biggest bad-asses I knew in high school -- the ones who were sure to wind up in prison -- landed jobs in the police department instead. The white bad-asses, that is. The Mexican and black bad-asses went straight to fuckin' jail.

Look. McConaughey's an Austin treasure. He's a home-town hero and a University of Texas grad who likes to stomp around the sidelines during Longhorn football games and party afterward at local watering holes tolerant of percussionists. He boosts the city's morale, and despite being an internationally-known star, he lives a relatively low-key life here -- he doesn't bother us, we don't bother him.

I think Chief Knee should issue another memo immediately and call it Austin Police Directive No. 99: "Leave McConaughey the fuck alone."

It's only fair.

Of course, if a National Enquirer freelancer had burst into McConaughey's home and started firing away with his Nikon, I would have had to take the photographer's side. After all, I'm a First Amendment purist. Besides, McConaughey was playing bongos in the nude, for crissakes.

Who the fuck plays bongos anymore?

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.