Millennium, schlaminnium

Fuck the new millennium. And fuck the Y2K bug. Fuck the century as well, unless you're 55 years or older and can remember more than half of it.

Here's the way I see it: I'm 46 and I don't remember anything before the age of five, therefore I've only participated in .41 percent of the old millennium. With a lot of luck, I might participate in .41 percent of the new millennium. So fuck it. A thousand years is beyond me.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the last 1,000 years. I read Beowulf, Canterbury Tales and Shakespeare. (There. I just killed 1600 years of the old millennium.) But after Shakespeare, the rest of the millennium becomes cloudy and cluttered and eventually leads to Ricky Martin. Why bother. (You want a rundown on the last millennium, go read Encyclopedia Britannica. Or Dave Barry.)

And when I think of the 20th Century, I see grainy videos of Babe Ruth, Jack Kennedy, Muhammad Ali, Mae West, Frank Sinatra, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, The Beatles, and many fuckin' wars -- black & white and in living color. Of the entire 20th Century, I'm glad to see all but 11 years of it go. Maybe 12. No, I was married then. Eleven.

But the new century shines like wet pavement in the sun, and we just can't wait to dig into it with our palms and footprints. If I were 20 years old, I might be enthusiastic too. I might be thinking, "Yeah! The 21st Century is my time, dude. Fuck the baby boomers." But all I can say with any passion and conviction is: "Fuck the baby boomers." Since I'm middle-aged and somewhat jaded, I look at the new year differently. I see it as an opportunity to be a colossal fuckup in two different centuries. Yipee.

And don't warn me about the Y2K bug, it's a fuckin' joke. I'm not saying that there won't be a lack of electricity and a lack of water for some people. I'm just saying I don't live in Appalachia. "You don't get it, man! When the Y2K bug hits, you won't have water or electricity. There'll be looting and rioting in the streets." I doubt it, but I'll play along. Let's say we wake up Jan. 1 and find there's no electricity or water. So what? I still won't be inclined to fuck my sister, which makes me way better off than the folks in Appalachia. Or my brother.

I know, I know. If nothing else, the year 2000 offers one hell of an excuse for a party. We weren't born rich and we weren't born famous, but goddammit, we were born in time for the new millennium, so why can't that justify our pitiful existence, our entire sense of self-worth, our claim to a place in history, our... whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex. Get off the fuckin' high horse.

Look. There's only one good thing about the new millennium: resolutions. Are you making New Year's resolutions? Cool. How about 21st Century resolutions? I can see that. Me, I'm not making any New Year's resolutions or 21st Century resolutions. I'm making New Millennium resolutions.

I resolve -- by the year 2139 -- to stop smoking. I resolve by the year 2177 to stop masturbating. In public. I resolve to stop drinking in 2245. No, wait! I meant 2455.

Forget everything I just wrote. I fuckin' love the new millennium.

The 10 Best Things to Happen in 1999

1) I fulfilled a lifelong dream and had sex with a woman 20 years younger than me. (I'll find out in a few days whether my girlfriend reads this column.)

 

2) Columbine High won the state championship in football. (I love irony.)

 

3) Matthew McConaughey got arrested for playing bongos in the nude. (Good. It's not just me then.)

 

4) The Spice Girls seemed to disappear.

 

5) The Y2K scare.(I finally got all those camping supplies I'd been wanting.)

 

6) Clinton acquitted and Newt Gingrich leaves office. (So if you impeach Gore, will Orrin Hatch bite the dust? By the way, I realize Gingrich left office in late 1998, but it still cracks me up.)

 

7) Judge finds Microsoft a monopoly. (No shit.)

 

8) Found a bartender within three blocks of my house who can mix a mean drink. (I'm running out of ideas.)

 

9) Woodstock. (Come on, GenXers, find your own fuckin' place.)

 

10) Ass Oscar.

The 10 Worst Things to Happen in 1999

1) Wilt Chamberlain died.

 

2) JFK, Jr. died.

 

3) Ray Manzano, Sr. died.

 

4) Ricky Martin lived.

 

5) The shootings at Columbine High in Littleton, Colorado.

 

6) I used all of the above as an excuse to write a column.

 

7) George Harrison got stabbed. (Is it me or are assassins getting lazy? Who's the next target, Grand Funk Railroad?)

 

8) U.S. Senate rejects nuclear test ban treaty. (They should have at least signed on for New Year's Eve.)

 

9) The San Francisco 49ers. (Blow me, I'm a sports fan.)

 

10) Mahir.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.