Who wants to fuck a millionaire?

You can't do parody anymore. You can try, but eventually someone will think it's a good idea and market it.

Don't believe me? Case in point: Some 20 years ago, I was watching Saturday Night Live and saw a parody of a commercial making fun of the new twin-blade razors of the seventies. Saturday Night Live's phony "new and improved" razor boasted three blades instead of two. The commercial voice-over guy said, more or less: "The first blade lifts, the second blade cuts and lifts, and then the third blade finishes the cut. Much better than those obsolete twin blades you've been using." Thing is, I was stoned on Thai stick at the time, so I believed it was real.

But today that same commercial is real, ever since the corporate marketing wizards came up with a triple-blade razor called The Mach Three (I think that's what it's called). Thing is, I was drunk on Guinness the first time I saw the ad, so I thought I was watching an SNL rerun.

Another example: Ever see a movie called The Player? It's a flick about the film industry, and the fictional studio from the movie used the corporate slogan, "Movies: Now more than ever." In the early 90s, NBC News used the same slogan: "NBC News now more than ever." I think they've since dropped the slogan, but then how would I know? I watch CNN these days.

So that's why I don't do parody anymore -- I have a fear of being ripped off. Instead, I come up with marketing ideas. For example: I just came up with a new quiz show idea called, "Who Wants To Fuck a Millionaire!" Trust me, this will be a hit.

Who Wants to Fuck a Millionaire!

Answer all the following questions correctly and you will win hot sex with a millionaire! But if you answer no more than three correctly, you'll be forced to go down on a homeless guy.

1) The thing before you is...

a) A cobra.
b) An anaconda.
c) A clitoris.
d) Mike Jasper sticking his arm through his fly.

 

2) A woman's right to choose is valid...

a) Never.
b) Up to the first trimester.
c) Up to the second trimester.
d) Up to the third trimester of junior high school.

 

3) Viagra is...

a) For older men.
b) A poor substitute for oral sex.
c) A sexual enhancement drug.
d) Not as effective as rubbing Ben Gay on your balls.

 

4) Women should fake orgasms...

a) Absolutely never. You're just living a lie.
b) Only when you're sure Oprah's coming on.
c) Occasionally.
d) Convincingly

 

5) Men should only encourage threesomes when...

a) On X.
b) Stoned.
c) Drunk.
d) Not so drunk that you can't determine the gender of the third party.

 

6) You should hold off on sex...

a) Until the second date.
b) Until the third date.
c) Until intermission.
d) Until your date arrives.

 

7) During orgasm, you should never scream out...

a) Your lover's name.
b) Your ex-lover's name.
c) Your own name.
d) Mommy!

 

8) After sex, you should...

a) Smoke a cigarette.
b) Cuddle.
c) Turn on Sports Center.
d) Deny, deny, deny.

 

9) Love is...

a) The deepest expression of affection.
b) A four-letter word.
c) Something you feel towards your dog.
d) A deal breaker.

 

10) You should not come...

a) Before your partner does.
b) Before you're ready.
c) More than six times.
d) Once you discover your partner's a she-male.

Congratulations! Now check the answer key and see how you scored. If you answered seven to ten questions correctly, you get to fuck Ted Turner or Jane Fonda (your choice). If you only answered five to seven right, you get to... wait, wait, wait. Enough of this shit. See what's happening here? I'm writing one of those outrageous, drunkenly-inspired columns, the kind of column I'll feel compelled to apologize for the following week. The whole premise is too farfetched. Even the FOX network wouldn't come up with a quiz show this ridiculous.

Guess I'll stick with writing. I obviously have no talent for prime time.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.