ConstantCommentary® Vol. IV, No. 84, January 27, 2000

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

On gay midget comedians

God damn sonofabitch cocksucker motherfuckin' hell. I just had to get that out of my system after last week's sugary installment about the Pasadena Ice House. What can I say? I promised club owner and good friend Bob Stane I wouldn't use any profanity. It's not my fault. I was drunk.

By the way, if you don't normally read this column and only came here to read the second part of the Ice House article, you probably already realized you fucked-up in a big way. So go back to Disney.com, because I'm going to start talking about gay midget comedians. Soon. Right... Now.

The first time I had sex with a gay midget comedian, I was... hey? Didn't I tell you to leave? Thank you.

And while I'm at it -- that is, while I'm giving the nice people from the Coffee Gallery Backstage a chance to clear the room -- I'd like to answer a question I've been getting in the e-mail lately: Six. There. Now you know everything about me. Maybe.

Did you know that I'm a member in shaky standing of an organization called The Net Wits, an international collection of humor columnists started last year by Keith MacDonald while he was recovering from a head injury (suffered at a construction site) which forced him to take a new job as Chalupa Manager at a Taco Bell? Well, now you know. And did you know The Net Wits is one part mailing list, one part Web site, and one part publishing company? Well, now you know that too.

But I bet you don't know why I joined the group in the first place, because even I'm not sure why.

I guess I joined The Net Wits to be part of its mailing list, which gives me a chance to mentally mingle with more than 70 humor columnists world wide and fuck with them on a daily basis. True, I recently promised the group I wouldn't use profanity anymore (I've had a few relapses). I also offered to keep my posts informational, for the most part.

And there lies the challenge: How can I fuck with these people, keep my posts informational and not use profanity? The answer: Lie my ass off. And so I do. With craft and precision, cause any decent lie requires careful thought, preparation and commitment.

Such as this week, when I pulled an elaborate (for me) hoax.

MY CELEBRATED HOAX ON THE NET WITS

First, I posted a set-up, which happened to be true:

Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 01:19:40 -0600 From: jasper <jasper@mikejasper.com> Subject: Lesbian jokes please...

Hey! Attention all joke writers:

I'm producing a CD of a lesbian comic (her description). The comedian's name is Mary Carouba and she's from San Francisco.

We've got 30 minutes of material, but we need more.

She's taping a gig on Jan. 29th, and that's the last input I'll get before we go into production. So hurry already.

She has a brilliant voice, an awesome stage presence and, unlike me, the guts to go on stage. But we need more material. If we use one of your jokes, you'll get a free CD.

Here are some examples of her bits:

1) "You can't believe how happy I finally became once I had that moment of clarity and realized, 'Yes, yes. I'm a lesbian. This is what I am!' Because every other time in my life when I had a moment of self-awareness, it was pretty much bad news. Really, really bad news."

2) I thought about leading a lesbian lifestyle before, but I wasn't sincere. I just wanted to go clothes shopping at Oshman's. Cause if you fantasize about women and all you visualize is flannel? You're not sincere. Repressed, possibly, but not sincere.

3) The only way I can possibly come out to my mother is by registered mail. Even that wouldn't work, cause she's just not buying my sexuality at all. She just doesn't want to hear it.

So I have to be clever. Like at dinner I'll say, "Mom, could you pass the gravy to YOUR LESBIAN DAUGHTER!" or "I'll get the phone, it's probably for The Lesbian."

I spent a whole night doing that and she still refused to acknowledge my sexuality, so I gave up and went home. Of course, as I walked out the house I called out, "The lesbian has left the building."

Jasper

A few hours after this post, jokes from the members trickled in. A few of them were pretty good. Unfortunately, after I e-mailed the jokes to Mary, she wrote back and told me she only performs her own material. I did not know that. Some producer, huh?

But fair's fair, so I'm giving free CDs to the Net Wits who took the time to write original material.

My next post to the group gave fair warning about my impending hoax:

Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 02:10:16 -0600 From: jasper <jasper@mikejasper.com> Subject: Man on the Moon

Andy Kaufmann.

Wow. I thought I was an expert on Kaufmann. Turns out, I'm just another schmuck who got duped. I learned a lot.

For one thing, Andy's really dead.

Go see this movie, my little droogies. Carrey's great and so is De Vito. The film's only pulled in about 40 million against its 90 million budget, but there's a good reason for that: Most people are idiots.

I think Jim Carrey is cursed. I think a genie told him: "Yes, I shall grant you your wish. You shall be a rich and famous comic actor. There's a catch, though. Every time you do a piece of shit, you'll be wildly popular. But when you do something brilliant, you'll go largely unnoticed."

I have two things in common with Andy Kaufmann. Apparently, when we read the story of "The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf" we both thought, "Dude, that kid rocks." The second thing... well, I can't reveal the second thing.

Jasper

That seemed like fair warning to me.

After a day or two, I posted a bald-faced lie:

Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 00:32:48 -0600 From: jasper <jasper@mikejasper.com> Subject: Thanks! Plus more!

Hey, thanks to everybody who contributed jokes to lesbian comic Mary Carouba's album. I really appreciate it.

As it turns out, I have picked up another client through her. Renaldo Murali. He's a gay midget comedian (his description -- I'm not joking!)

He is also looking for material. I've already thought of two jokes, but I need more input.

One other thing: Renaldo is paying $25 for any joke he uses. Turns out he's rich, sort of. I've already made $50.

Jasper

The next day I waited for the gay midget jokes to roll in. I got thirteen in all from three writers. Thirteen! Some of them were damn good, too. See for yourself.

Net Wit Doug Powers wrote:

"Being this short isn't really that bad at all, except there's one thing that you taller people can do that I'll never be able to do: '69'. I'm lookin' at 34, 35 tops."

"Some people do discriminate against midgets. It was really bad back in the 50's. I think they called it 'Charlie McCarthyism'."

"I got busted when I was a kid for stealing a pack of gum from a 7-11. My father was trying to teach me a lesson. 'Son, in prison there's nothing but big guys trying to have sex with you'. Thus began my life of crime."

Net Wit Jim Verona wrote:

"...sometimes I'll even get the under-12 rates when I go to the 'Hot Male Action' movie theatre."

" Yeah, I was straight for awhile, but when the Swiss Miss didn't give up her marshmallows, I went boy toy."

"Yeah, I'm a fudge-packer! Hell, I could fit into a fudge BOX."

And Net Wit Gene Doucette wrote:

"Last Halloween I dressed as a dildo. I learned never to pass-out at a party when dressed like a large artificial prick. Imagine her surprise when I woke up."

"I didn't wanna do this. I wanted to be a drag queen, but nobody went for it. I wanted to be Barbra... but when I put on the fake nose nobody could see the rest of me."

I made one more post to the group:

Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 12:45:24 -0600 From: jasper <jasper@mikejasper.com> Subject: We miss you Renaldo...

I'm sad to report that Renaldo Murali died suddenly and tragically in his sleep last night. Obviously, I will no longer be needing jokes for his act.

Jasper

I assumed everyone would catch on and the "Fuck you, Jasper" e-mail would start rolling in. But no, Tuesday night I get a sincere, heartfelt e-mail from Net Wit Ian Wolff:

"Damn, life sucks. Makes me wanna get shit-faced. I'll drink a few in the little guy's memory."

Hopefully, he was already out-of-the-box drunk before he wrote me.

Ian wasn't the only one duped by my post. The next morning, I found four e-mails consoling me over the loss of little Renaldo. One was so sincere, I felt compelled to answer, "Thank you for your kind words. I'll pass your sentiments on to Renaldo's family."

I'm an evil, evil little man.

Truth is, the hoax is on me. Once again parody has given way to marketing genius. And by that, I mean: If anyone ever hears of a gay midget comedian, e-mail me immediately. I have no doubt there's a market for someone like him and since my brother is an executive in the entertainment business, I'm pretty sure I've got the connections to make him a star.

I figure he can open for Kid Rock.

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