Jerking off on the Web

Some columns come easily to me and practically write themselves, while other topics turn into a bitter struggle -- like trying to smoke a Camel through the eye of a weasel (you can use that if you want).

But every so often, someone all but writes my column for me. I just love that.

A few weeks ago, I came across a site called Americans For Purity, an organization formed in opposition to a sexual act they see as a blight upon our fair land, a straight-to-hell Cardinal sin and a contributing cause to 90 percent of all new blindness. And what's this stain upon our social fabric? Masturbation, you pissy pork puller.

(Note: Cardinal is intentionally capitalized in the last sentence. I'm much too catholic to be Catholic, but if I were a member of the celibate clergy with too much time on my hands, I'd use my hands to while away the time. Fuck, I just used two puns in one paragraph. Now I have to kill myself.)

Despite war, famine and pestilence (I'm so sick of pestilence) perforating the world, these sorry fucks can't find anything better to do than to protest the only reason I bought a computer in the first place.

Here's what these self-described bible thumpers proclaim on their Web page:

This site is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health Problem in America today: Masturbation. If you have come here looking for Jokes or Humor about Masturbation, then you have come to the wrong place!

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that. I've always found the lunatic fringe to be a veritable gold mine for jokes and humor. "Please, god, send us another messiah. And if it's not too much trouble, could you place him in Waco, Texas? Or Newport Beach, California?"

Some prayers are answered. I blame myself.

Besides, masturbation cracks me up, especially now that I own a Web cam. (e-mail me for a photo of Mr. Happycock.)

Here's what else they suggest:

Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, and forgetfulness

You can put an eye out if you're not careful.

Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead!

Yeah, well he should have aimed for the plastic cup. Onan wasn't killed for masturbating, he was killed for being such a bad shot. Besides, he practiced onanism in plain view. God hates a show-off.

Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

Hmmm. I think I might be a sodomite. At least I give them money whenever they come to the door.

Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.

And the five percent of Americans who don't masturbate fall into two categories: Frigid women and the armless.

Can you imagine what I was thinking when I read this bullshit diatribe at the AFP Web site? I thought, "Yeah, baby! This is great! Set 'em up and knock 'em down. This column's going to be so easy, so fuckin' easy. In fact it's too easy.

Hmmm.

Yeah, the boys at Americans for Purity had me going for awhile. They sucked me in. For awhile. Still, they've got one of the funniest sites on the Web. Fortunately, it's intentional.

For instance, they go on to write:

How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America? We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs!

Now that was a huge clue. Cause even the most acne-scarred, butch-waxed, blue-blazered holy roller would be stretching the limits of ecumenical ignorance to believe that the War on Drugs is going well.

Then again, maybe it is. My side's winning.

Anyway, they extended the War on Drugs analogy a few more paragraphs before they offered some real-world solutions -- including surgical procedures -- to combat the scourge of masturbation loosed upon these United States. I could tell you more, but why ruin it? I'll just add their link below and you can go see for yourself.

And don't forget to check out their guest book. Despite whatever serious point they intended to make through comedy, they did prove one thing I always suspected: People don't bother to read anymore.

Too bad it's not a real site, though. I thought I had finally found a reason to become politically active again. Guess I'll go back to my old standby, gays in the police force.

Hell, I'd like to get out of a traffic ticket every once in awhile myself.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.