Bring on the Papaverine

My buddy Frank G. recently told me about a new drug that makes your dick hard. More importantly, it'll make my dick hard. It's called Papaverine.

"Papaverine?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's called Papaverine."

"Sounds like an old blues player."

"Yeah, well I'll tell you what. It'll make an old blues player play young again."

Come to Papaverine. I know what some of you are thinking. What about Viagra? Shouldn't you give that a shot first? After all, it's got better press.

Hell, no. First, Frank's brother used it and bought himself a heart attack. He survived, fortunately, but he definitely blamed Viagra for the myocardial infarction. Of course, he continues to use Viagra, so apparently it's well worth the medical trauma.

But there's an even better reason for me to not take Viagra: It doesn't work for smokers. I'm a smoker. I know what some of you are thinking. Wouldn't you choose sex over smoking? Come on, idiot, don't force me to choose between my children.

Besides, Papaverine works for anyone: Smokers, drinkers, meat eaters, David Letterman... anyone.

Frank continued.

"Now I've got to tell you, I tried Papaverine and I didn't like it. It made me too hard for too long."

"Really. How long?"

"Two or three hours."

I didn't know he was talking about time.

"That sounds good to me."

"No, it's not. It's painful."

"For who?"

"I'm telling you, having a hard-on that long hurts like hell."

I thought, This is really just back-handed bragging, right?

"Look," I said. "If it works, I'm interested. I'll take the pain, man. And give a little too."

"Okay," he said. "I'm just letting you know what it's like. One other thing. There's a downside to all of this."

Hmmm. A downside. Like what? Heart attacks?

"Talk to me, brother," I said.

"Well, the way you take this is... you have to shoot it in your dick."

"What? You have to shoot a hypo into your dick?"

"Yep."

"So let me get this straight: You get to stick a needle in your dick and then Papaverine gives you a painfully purple hard-on for two to three hours? So what's the downside?"

I mean, really. As long as it's not a near-death experience and the intensive care unit, what the fuck do I care? I'd like to be 19 years old again physically, as long as I'm not the stupid, fucked-up kid I was way back when. Check that. I'd like my dick to be 19 again. The rest of me? Thirty-five.

I can hang with a three-hour hard-on. Hell, it's not like you're dropping acid, which is the greatest drug in the world for two or three hours. Unfortunately, it lasts 12 long fucking hours. At least. (Truth is, I'm not really sure if I've come down yet.)

And what about cocaine? That only lasts for 30 minutes. Then it's back to the powder. And then back again. Just one more time, I'm good for the money. Talk about your heart attack risk. Not to mention, cocaine definitely does NOT make your dick hard. Quite the contrary. It does make you willing to hang out with dicks, though.

Anyway, Frank gave me a Web address to a Papaverine site called beautyproducts.net. Yeah, now that's what I'm talking about. I want a beauty product. A big, purple-veined beauty product.

Curious, I looked up other sites on search engines and came across OnHealth.com. I clicked on the link "Who should take Papaverine?" I was expecting to read, "You, you cheese dick motherfucker" as a caption to my photo.

Instead, it warned: "Before taking this medication, tell your doctor if you have heart disease, irregular heartbeats or liver disease." Fuck me to tears. There's always a catch.

Another site, I forget which one, warned of possible side effects, including needle track marks on my protuberance. Now that just cracks me up. I can picture myself at the doctor's office.

"You seem to have some needle scars on your penis. You don't have a drug problem, do you?"

"No. But I have made some donations to a sperm bank. Are they fucking up?"

I'll say it again: Come to Papaverine.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.