All women should be bisexual

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus and bisexual women are from the planet Uron. Unfortunately, there are not enough of them to go around.

Too bad, cause it would make relationships between men and women a lot more bearable if they could share a common interest. I know. What about bisexual men? I have a simple answer: fuck off.

All women should be bisexual because men can't take the pressures of monogamy. There are two types of men in this world: those who stray from their partner to see other women and those who would stray if they weren't absolutely sure they'd get caught. If there were more bisexual women, the dynamic between men and women would change drastically. Since bisexual women are also eager to seek out new erotic relationships with women, the common bond would unite couples like never before. And as the chasm between men and women started to close, a healing process would begin, only fitting for a world on the cusp of the new millennium.

And that's why I say all women should be bisexual.

Of course, everything I've written in this column up to now has been utter bullshit.

Bisexual monogamy sucks

I've only had one bisexual girlfriend (at least only one who would admit it). Don't get me wrong. I've also been with three women who switched to out-and-out lesbianism after being with me, but I don't take that personally. After all, once a woman has been with me she would only face futility and disappointment with other men, so she might as well move on to the next level. Women. (Okay, so I'm in denial.)

Anyway, when I started seeing this bisexual woman, I saw visions of endless debauched nights with multiple partners and cooking oil. No such luck.

"I'm bisexual, but I'm monogamous," she told me.

"What do you mean? That's not bisexuality. That's lunacy."

"I can only be with one person at a time."

What's the point of that? If that's the case, then I'm bisexual. But I'm monogamous too, and yes, I'm with a woman right now. Sorry boys. (I have to admit, the monogamy argument doesn't sound so convincing coming from a man.)

So I say, all women should be bisexual but not monogamous. No tricks.

Bisexuals are human too

Translation: We can be as fuckin' judgmental as any Bible belter.

I have a case in point, but before I tell you about it, I need to print this disclaimer:

All I have to say, Mike, is let me know if you are planning to use my information in your column.

 

We have no problems with first names (my wife is Vicki and our girlfriend is Shannon) but leave out locations and last names.

 

A simple journalistic heads up...

 

Thanks,
M

 

My response:

 

Fuck off.
J

Unfortunately, M's one of my loyal readers. But every once in a while, someone has to take one for the team.

In his correspondence with me, M wrote this revealing little paragraph:

This guy we know has been trying to get into the pants of both Vicki and Shannon. He's a nice enough guy, but they won't fuck him because he's such a transparent horn-dog and because his wife has no idea what he's doing.

Right. Let's take the moral high ground here. THE FUCKER'S CHEATING ON HIS WIFE! I've heard the same complaint from bisexual women as well (don't ask why). Everybody's got an angle, a rationale:

"Sure, I'll eat anything that moves. But I'm never going to lie."

Translation: I've got to look down on somebody, don't I?

I guess I'm naive. (Hell, the Log Cabin Republicans blindsided my ass.) I've always thought of bisexuals as more liberal and tolerant than others, and I guess in some ways they are. That is, they're more liberal and tolerant of their own lifestyle, which means they're no better or worse than Mr. and Mrs. Dumphrey of Kenwood, California.

"We've been together for 40 years now."

Translation: We're bored beyond belief, but scared shitless of change. Besides, it's the only thing we've accomplished in our miserable lives that you never will.

Perhaps I judge too harshly.

I do believe that all women should be bisexual. It may not be the ultimate answer, but the concept gives me hope. If you agree, make sure to read next week's column, which is tentatively titled, "All women should own video recording equipment."

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.