Everybody should breathe air

Everybody should breathe air. I'm not sure about much in this world, but I stand behind what I just wrote: Everybody should breathe air. Especially my readers, on a space-available basis.

Air contains the all-important element oxygen, which is taken in by the lungs and distributed throughout the body via the bloodstream. Besides oxygen, air also contains a truck load of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, a sliver of argon and a dash of H2O. In most urban areas, you can also add carbon monoxide, formaldehyde, cadmium, radioactive polonium and other deleterious ingredients to the list.

But I still say the good far outweighs the bad, so I strongly encourage you to continue breathing air. At least for another five minutes or so.

Some people, such as myself, provide their own pollutants by smoking cigars or cigarettes in addition to breathing air. Others simply suck helium. A few people prefer to add mind-altering pollutants to the mix, such as marijuana smoke or crack. Oftentimes, they will augment this creative use of air with alcohol or pills, which will induce a drowsy, euphoric state and often cause said imbibers to pass out.

But right before they pass out, they usually e-mail me.

I got this e-mail from a moron in Bulgaria:

Jasper,

 

Ho, Mr. Famous Funny Fuck! You get people all over world screaming "off with list" like me with columns lately you write, since you not brutal anymore. Who are you? I not know you anymore. I off list now.

 

I am Todor from Bulgaria!

 

Sincerely,

 

Todor from Bulgaria

I'll tell you the truth: usually I print letters exactly as I receive them, but I clean up the language and punctuation (as I did with the above. Really.) Unfortunately, I deleted Todor's letter so I'm paraphrasing it from memory. I am not, however, exaggerating.

Poor Todor doesn't think I'm brutal enough anymore. Who knows? Maybe he's right. If so, I can do something about that right away: Hey, Todor. Go fuck yourself.

As to his broken English, I have no problem with the language barrier (although at first I thought I had accidentally slipped into the Oscar Rabinowitz character and written myself an e-mail). After all, I don't speak Bulgarian. I thought about learning Bulgarian at one point in my life until I realized, who in the fuck would I possibly talk to?

I admit, Todor's letter is a bit extreme and, strangely enough, I don't get much hate mail. But every week I can count on at least one e-mail from the following two types: 1) I didn't like that column at all. 2) That was one of your best columns ever.

Did I say every week? Sure did. Every week there's always at least one person who loves the column and another who thinks it's a pedestrian effort at best. The weird part is, they're both right.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I reserve the right to suck once in awhile. I won't be able write anything great unless I'm also allowed to write something terrible. That means every so often you won't like one of my columns. I know. It's almost too depressing to consider, but I'm confident you'll get over it.

By the way, Todor? Fuck off.

Here's an e-mail I got from a new reader yesterday. She wrote one of the best subject headings I've ever read: I AGREE TOTALLY MIKE.

Hi there Mike,

 

You don't know me from jack, but a friend sent me the page that you did on how all women should be bisexual. Man, do I ever agree. While I've never had the pleasure of dining on a member of the same sex, it sure would be handy for those nights when HE (spouse) just doesn't cut it.

 

Sorry if this wastes your time, but just another viewpoint.

 

Sue

For the record, anybody who totally agrees with me is never wasting my time.

While most of my e-mail is either supportive or funny, I recently discovered some sad news in my AOL inbox when I learned that Scott Adams - the creator of Dilbert and a fellow native Northern Californian - had died suddenly and tragically just two weeks ago. I learned about this shortly after he sent me his last e-mail:

Jasper,

 

Please remove me from this list.

 

Scott Adams

He's dead to me now, anyway.

That means I only have two celebrities left on my list: Jeff Cox, who does the nationally syndicated gardening show, "Hey Everybody, I've Got A Fucking Gardening Show," and Brad Selby, a wrestler and football player for the Stanford Cardinal. The ranks are thinning.

Before I continue... Todor? Suck my dick.

Every once in a while I just get plain stupid e-mail:

Jasper,

 

Do you have archives of your columns?

 

Keyser Sose

I usually get this question once a month. Yes, I do keep archives of the column, but I've hidden it within a link called "More Columns." I can understand your confusion.

Along with the stupid e-mail comes the absurd e-mail:

Jasper,

 

Summary of ConstantCommentary, Vol. IV, No. 87, February 17, 2000:

 

Mike Jasper is DRUNK and reminisces about old school days; he LEARNED something. He goes to a BAR and talks to FAKE friends who are WEIRD.

 

The End.

 

Dennis

I just checked and the above outline accurately describes 17 of my columns. By the way, Dennis, I read Kafka last week. A man is MISERABLE. Then he turns into a fuckin' COCKROACH. The End.

Say, isn't the word "todor" Bulgarian for "little winkie"?

My favorite e-mails are the sexually explicit ones. I'm sure the same goes for you. I'd show you some examples, but I don't want to print anything that might discourage anyone from sending me more juice for the Johnson.

Before I wrap up this week's tribute to self-indulgence and assign the blame, I would be remiss if I didn't show you some examples of the polarized e-mail I mentioned earlier. This one comes from Glitter Vixen in response to last week's column, "All women should be bisexual."

Jasper,

 

Good piece, but you really should have written out Matt's name... it's only fair.

 

Keep on pissing the world off,

 

Glitter Vixen

Although she levels one slight criticism, I consider this e-mail a positive review. Besides, she's right. I should have written out Matt's name in last week's column. I'd like to correct this error, but it's too late. Good news for Matt.

Last week I got this bad review from The Drunk One, who usually showers me with high praise or otherwise has the good sense to ignore those columns that fall short of the mark:

Jasper,

 

Dude, that sucked.

 

All women should be bisexual? Tell us something we don't know. I look to you for wisdom and enlightenment. What are you going to write next week, "Everyone should breathe air?"

 

The Drunk One

Good idea.

And fuck you, Todor.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.