Puritanism is making one hell of a comeback these days and the trend can be summed up in one phrase: Be like me. It's not enough that these anal control freaks have managed to quit whatever vices have been nagging at the soggy parts of their spine for decades. Now they want everyone else to quit as well.

I quit smoking. So you should too.

 

I quit drinking. So you should too.

 

I quit eating meat. So you should too.

 

I quit exposing myself at public gatherings.

What? You want me to quit everything?

Sometimes this prudish attitude is taken to new levels of absurdity. Once, I was watching TV with a girl (and I only call her girl cause she was 20 years younger than me) when a baby oil commercial came on -- the one where mommy's rubbing Johnson's finest on a nude baby's butt.

"That's just sexual exploitation," she said.

"Say what?"

"This baby oil commercial. They're exploiting nude babies on television."

"Ha, that's pretty funny," I said, thinking she was being sarcastic.

"I'm serious. Think about it. They're exploiting these children, showing them nude on television without their consent."

"I have to tell you, Selene, I've never thought about it that way. I always assumed the babies on TV either didn't care at all or else they knew a good agent."

"It's sexual exploitation," she insisted.

"You really mean it? Cause I've been watching these commercials for years and I never got any sexual connotation from them at all."

(Pause.)

"It doesn't get you aroused, does it?"

"Don't be an asshole," she said. "You know what I'm talking about. This is just fodder for all the child molesters watching TV."

"Ahhh. I get it. So you used to date a child molester?"

"No, of course not."

(Longer pause)

"Then why all the sexual imagery, huh? Do you think child molesters will watch this, run out to the store, buy a pint of baby oil and find some unattended baby to smear it on? Or do you think they'll force the mommy to do it so they can watch. Cause I'm kind of thinking that child molesters are a bit more proactive. I'm kind of thinking that they can find better porn material than sitting on a sofa, patiently stroking their cocks as they wait for the fuckin' commercial to air.

"Here's another problem I have with your theory: I can't tell the gender of the baby, since the little tyke's lying stomach down. But then I guess that wouldn't really matter to me, since I don't get a sexual hit from baby oil commercials, although thanks to you, I'll now think about it every time that commercial airs for the rest of my life.

"Fuck, Selene, you're like the old joke. A guy goes to a psychotherapist for an inkblot test. The shrink holds up the first picture and asks, 'What do you see?' and the man says, 'I see sex.' The shrink holds up another picture and asks 'What do you see?' and the guy says, 'I see sex.' He finally holds up a third picture and the guy says he sees sex again. The shrink tells him, 'Your problem is obvious. You have sex on the mind.' The man says, 'Me? You're the one showing me all the dirty pictures.'"

"Of course, I probably lost you back when I said psychotherapist, because you likely thought, 'Oh, no! Psycho. The rapist.'

"And by the way, in case you intend to jump on the Human Rights bandwagon next, baby oil isn't made from real babies. Thought you should know."

Yeah, yeah. It's an old Stephen Wright joke, but I was pissed.

Needless to say, I didn't get laid that night. Too bad, cause I wanted to fuck Selene ever since I first saw her face on a baby food jar in the grocery store.

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.