Believe it or not, Steve Cook and Phil Rose are no longer the cheapest guys on the Internet. True, they may not pay writers for their soon-to-be-revealed-any-year-now online literary magazine "Sacred City," but at least they don't charge people to write for them.

What? You mean someone's charging people to write for a Web page? It appears that way, judging from an email I got this week from young Stan Sipowitz (or whatever the fuck his name is).

Subject: Reporters Wanted !!!

We are launching a new web site where you get to be the media.

This is your invitation to be a reporter. Tell the world what you think from mild to wild! We can't wait to see what you write. To try this new Internet experience and to pick up your press credentials go to http://www.yourdailyonline.com.

This is a free offer during the introduction. Thanks for your interest!

After this free introductory period, Stan's going to charge ten bucks a year for you to be an online reporter. I have to admit, it's ingenious, ballsy and probably profitable, since there must be enough uninitiated tyros out there willing to plop down ten bucks per annum just to say, "Look at me! I'm an actual honest-to-god reporter!" But wait, there's more! You get to say whatever you want for the sawbuck, from mild to wild, which reminds me: Fuck off, Stan.

In his email he asked me, "If you have a reason why this is not a good idea for you, I would be most interested. Please take the trouble to tell me why." Sure, Stan, I'll tell you why. Cause you can blow me.

Look. I used to be an LA musician, so I know about pay-to-play. But pay to write? Come on, man, it's not like I'm going to get laid.

Truth is, I get offers to write for free all the time and not just on the Internet. Last night, a friend of mine who attends Southwest Texas State in lieu of college asked me to edit a cover letter he had written in hopes of earning admission to a summer research program in botany.

He didn't offer me money, he didn't send me a present, he didn't even agree to buy me a fuckin' beer.

I said I'd help him anyway, but cautioned, "You know, I have a certain style to my writing. I hope this is understood before we proceed any further."

"Sure," he said. "Just don't write the word fuck. Or go ahead and write it if you have to, but I'll have to take all the F-words out."

Here's the letter he sent me to edit:

Dear Dr. Barney:

 

Please consider me for your upcoming undergraduate research position involving the South Texas savannah. My past experiences, and my future goals, both qualify me for this position.

 

I am currently of senior status at Southwest Texas State University, majoring in Botany and minoring in Chemistry. I have worked throughout my entire scholastic career, paying for my education entirely myself. After graduation I plan to attend graduate school and continue down the path of Botany, either in plant ecology or plant physiology. Eventually I would like to conduct research in tropical plant ecology in the equatorial rainforest of South America.

 

I have conducted research with Dr. Wendy Worsham during the spring semester of 1999. The research involved studying the aquatic macrophytes in the headwaters of the San Marcos River. This research gave me invaluable field and laboratory experience that I would not normally achieve in the classroom setting. In addition to this the knowledge and first hand experience of using field equipment in Plant Ecology have also given me valuable tools that will be an asset during this summer research program. As of the end of this spring semester I will have only one class left for graduation, Technical Writing. Aside from this one class, all required courses in both my major and my minor would be completed by the time your research begins.

 

This position will be another invaluable experience for me, both for the practical experience of working in the field and from the knowledge that I would gain from working with others in the profession in which I would like to work. I look forward to your decision, and you can contact me at 512.555.1697 or email LePussier@aol.com.

 

Sincerely,

 

Michael LePussier

And here's the letter after I groomed it:

Dear Dr. Barney:

 

I would like to be considered for your upcoming undergraduate research position in the South Texas savannah. Given my past experience and future goals, I believe I qualify for this position and would remind you that I am willing to assume many positions to qualify.

 

As you know, I am currently a senior at Southwest Texas State University, majoring in botany and minoring in chemistry, yet I remain heterosexual. Throughout my college career, I have worked furiously as a lap dancer to pay for my tuition and support myself without benefit of family money, unlike the snippy little prigs you often see frequenting frat houses. After graduation, I plan to attend graduate school until such time that I give up on my thesis.

 

Eventually I would like to conduct research in tropical plant ecology in the equatorial rain forest of South America, cause as my friend Bo Dick says, "That where the hot pussy be."

 

I'm just jerking you around, of course; my real dream is to play a botanist on TV.

 

I have conducted research with Dr. Wendy Worsham during the spring semester of 1999 and she's not bad. The research involved studying the aquatic macrophytes in the headwaters of the San Marcos River, but once in the headwaters I quickly presented my macrophyte to Dr. Wendy's gametes, which we touched upon many times throughout the project. This research gave me invaluable field and laboratory experience that I would not normally achieve in the classroom setting due to local ordinances and state laws. In addition, the knowledge and first hand experience of using field equipment in plant ecology have also given me valuable tools that will be an asset during this summer research program. I offer these tools to you and I'm pretty sure you know how to make best use of them.

 

At the end of spring semester, I will have only one class left for graduation, technical writing, with which I expect to excel real good at and get a A possibly. Aside from this one class, all required courses in both my major and my minor would be completed by the time your research begins, so there's no fear of this interrupting my drinking habits.

This position will add another strand of credibility to my background, thanks to the practical experience gleaned from working in the field and the knowledge gained from working with others in my chosen profession, which I believe has something vaguely to do with plants. I look forward to your decision and would remind you that women need to be made aware of this opportunity as well. I can provide a list of qualified candidates if you so desire.

 

You can contact me at 512.555.1697 or email me at canIkissyourass@aol.com.

 

Sincerely,

 

Michael LePussier

The moral of the story: If you want me to write something for you, you better fuckin' pay me pal. At least offer me a drink.

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.