I'm not prejudiced
This John Rocker debacle gives me a queasy
feeling. I can only wonder how much I might be like this dumb
hick. Am I as fucked-up a crackerass as this ignorant redneck?
Do I have some ingrained bigotry I can't see, like this country
peckerwood?
Only when I read about guys like Rocker,
I guess. Or watch Jerry Springer. (It's like a car wreck. I can't
help myself.)
Last week, I met with my old friend Kevin
G., who I hadn't seen for several years. We used to hit the singer-songwriter
circuit together before we both dropped out of sight. Writing
this column swallowed up my time. A woman devoured his.
We happened to run into each other at
Ruta Maya's coffeehouse in Austin, and Kevin told me the meaty
parts of his story. His ex-girlfriend couldn't handle his old
friends, his old scene, his old ways. She was conservative, business-minded,
well-behaved, well-bred and mannerly. Kevin? He's like Harry
Belafonte on acid.
Yes, he's black.
He finished his story about his ex --
who he praised as a Barbara Jordanish saint -- by saying she
likely inherited her old-fashioned ethics and mores from her
upbringing in small-town Idaho.
Idaho? That got me wondering.
"Kevin, is she white or black?"
"She's African American," he
said. That got me wondering some more.
Am I prejudiced?
No, I'm not prejudiced. I just didn't
know there were black people living in Idaho.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I were to organize
a basketball game, I'd want to make sure there were some black
guys on my team.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I see a guy
with an achy-breaky mullet hairstyle, I figure he gets laid like
never.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I'm drinking
with some guy from Ireland, I won't bring up the subject of masturbation.
Unless he pisses me off.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I'm hanging
out with a guy from Ireland, I fully expect to be drinking.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I find out
the Irish guy's a member of A.A., he can no longer drink on my
tab.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I were to attend
a mathematics competition, I would fully expect to see some Asians
there.
I'm not prejudiced. But every time I read
about the World War II generation being "the best generation
in the world" it makes me want to puke. Thanks for killing
Hitler, I think, now go away and die. I'm a big Joe DiMaggio
fan, but he hasn't done shit since the 40s, just like the rest
of that generation. At least he had the courtesy to die.
I'm not prejudiced. So I realize that
some of my biggest heros -- Vonnegut, Bukowski, Kerouac -- are
from the WWII generation.
I'm not prejudiced. But I probably have
some issues around my parents.
I'm not prejudiced. So I've also got some
gripes about my own generation, the Baby Boomers (see column
130).
I'm not prejudiced. But I am from San
Francisco, so every time I see a Texan decked out in a cowboy
hat, string tie, snakeskin boots and western shirt I think, "Gay."
I'm not prejudiced. But when I see Mormon
missionaries pedaling their asses around the neighborhood, I
figure they must get laid like never.
I'm not prejudiced. But when I was single
and used the Laundromat, I tried to get there before the Mexican
families did so I could snag a fuckin' machine.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I were gay
and born in Montana, I'd move on my 18th birthday.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I get stopped
by a cop, I'll always call him officer and say, "Yes, sir,"
and treat him like any other psychotic with a gun.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I walk into
a 7-11, I'm not surprised to see an Indian or Pakistani behind
the counter.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I see a Confederate
flag flying over a courthouse, I figure everyone else in town
must be.
I'm not prejudiced. So I can't help but
notice that Arabs are the only ethnic race you can rag on in
this country. And still be politically correct.
I'm not prejudiced. But when I spy a midget,
I instinctively place my hand over my crotch.
I'm not prejudiced. But I always feel
more secure when my attorney is Jewish. Unless it's Johnny Cochrane.
I'm not prejudiced. But if I'm walking
down a dark street, hear footsteps behind me, and turn to see
a guy in a business suit, I always feel safe. Unless it's O.J.
I'm not prejudiced. But if any more humor
columnists write about their snot-nosed kids, someone's going
to get hurt.
I'm not prejudiced. But when I see a white
boy with a Rolex, a BMW, a polo shirt and a real estate license,
I'm pretty sure I could fuck his wife.
I'm not prejudiced. But I expect left-handed
baseball pitchers to be a bit on the flaky side.
I'm not prejudiced. But I expect left-handed
softball pitchers to be a bit on the lesbian side.
I'm not prejudiced. But I'm glad this
column isn't going to be published in Sports Illustrated.
I'm not prejudiced. Much.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything
else into it, you're on your own.
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