I'm not prejudiced

This John Rocker debacle gives me a queasy feeling. I can only wonder how much I might be like this dumb hick. Am I as fucked-up a crackerass as this ignorant redneck? Do I have some ingrained bigotry I can't see, like this country peckerwood?

Only when I read about guys like Rocker, I guess. Or watch Jerry Springer. (It's like a car wreck. I can't help myself.)

Last week, I met with my old friend Kevin G., who I hadn't seen for several years. We used to hit the singer-songwriter circuit together before we both dropped out of sight. Writing this column swallowed up my time. A woman devoured his.

We happened to run into each other at Ruta Maya's coffeehouse in Austin, and Kevin told me the meaty parts of his story. His ex-girlfriend couldn't handle his old friends, his old scene, his old ways. She was conservative, business-minded, well-behaved, well-bred and mannerly. Kevin? He's like Harry Belafonte on acid.

Yes, he's black.

He finished his story about his ex -- who he praised as a Barbara Jordanish saint -- by saying she likely inherited her old-fashioned ethics and mores from her upbringing in small-town Idaho.

Idaho? That got me wondering.

"Kevin, is she white or black?"

"She's African American," he said. That got me wondering some more.

Am I prejudiced?

No, I'm not prejudiced. I just didn't know there were black people living in Idaho.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I were to organize a basketball game, I'd want to make sure there were some black guys on my team.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I see a guy with an achy-breaky mullet hairstyle, I figure he gets laid like never.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I'm drinking with some guy from Ireland, I won't bring up the subject of masturbation. Unless he pisses me off.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I'm hanging out with a guy from Ireland, I fully expect to be drinking.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I find out the Irish guy's a member of A.A., he can no longer drink on my tab.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I were to attend a mathematics competition, I would fully expect to see some Asians there.

I'm not prejudiced. But every time I read about the World War II generation being "the best generation in the world" it makes me want to puke. Thanks for killing Hitler, I think, now go away and die. I'm a big Joe DiMaggio fan, but he hasn't done shit since the 40s, just like the rest of that generation. At least he had the courtesy to die.

I'm not prejudiced. So I realize that some of my biggest heros -- Vonnegut, Bukowski, Kerouac -- are from the WWII generation.

I'm not prejudiced. But I probably have some issues around my parents.

I'm not prejudiced. So I've also got some gripes about my own generation, the Baby Boomers (see column 130).

I'm not prejudiced. But I am from San Francisco, so every time I see a Texan decked out in a cowboy hat, string tie, snakeskin boots and western shirt I think, "Gay."

I'm not prejudiced. But when I see Mormon missionaries pedaling their asses around the neighborhood, I figure they must get laid like never.

I'm not prejudiced. But when I was single and used the Laundromat, I tried to get there before the Mexican families did so I could snag a fuckin' machine.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I were gay and born in Montana, I'd move on my 18th birthday.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I get stopped by a cop, I'll always call him officer and say, "Yes, sir," and treat him like any other psychotic with a gun.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I walk into a 7-11, I'm not surprised to see an Indian or Pakistani behind the counter.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I see a Confederate flag flying over a courthouse, I figure everyone else in town must be.

I'm not prejudiced. So I can't help but notice that Arabs are the only ethnic race you can rag on in this country. And still be politically correct.

I'm not prejudiced. But when I spy a midget, I instinctively place my hand over my crotch.

I'm not prejudiced. But I always feel more secure when my attorney is Jewish. Unless it's Johnny Cochrane.

I'm not prejudiced. But if I'm walking down a dark street, hear footsteps behind me, and turn to see a guy in a business suit, I always feel safe. Unless it's O.J.

I'm not prejudiced. But if any more humor columnists write about their snot-nosed kids, someone's going to get hurt.

I'm not prejudiced. But when I see a white boy with a Rolex, a BMW, a polo shirt and a real estate license, I'm pretty sure I could fuck his wife.

I'm not prejudiced. But I expect left-handed baseball pitchers to be a bit on the flaky side.

I'm not prejudiced. But I expect left-handed softball pitchers to be a bit on the lesbian side.

I'm not prejudiced. But I'm glad this column isn't going to be published in Sports Illustrated.

I'm not prejudiced. Much.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 1999 by Mike Jasper.