Tiger and Chicken and Maher

Usually there's only one topic burning in my brain each week when I spew forth my venomous verbiage as relentlessly as a weasel in a wind tunnel. Every once in awhile, such as this week, I've got several unrelated topics bubbling through the lava lamp of my mind. None is fleshed out enough to warrant its own column, yet all must be purged.

Welcome to this week's column.

What the fuck's wrong with Bill Maher?

I don't normally do comedy reviews, but I'm going to do one now.

I watched Bill Maher's HBO comedy special a couple of weeks ago, the much anticpated (by me, at least) "Be More Cynical."

Maher's one of the few comedians with the guts to do political material, so I've always looked forward to his comedy specials. This time he faked it.

Most of his material seemed to be taken directly from one-liners I had already heard him do on his late-night talk show, ABC's Politically Incorrect. And that's fine. I could see where he'd want to elaborate on some of his old material and pepper it with words he couldn't fuckin' get away with on network TV.

But he's still doing material on Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. How do you follow that, with a couple of O.J. jokes?

Still, if these were my only complaints I wouldn't be bothering to write about Maher's performace. But wait, there's more. He stole at least two bits from other comedians.

The first familiar routine came from an old Steve Martin clump. Maher said, "Asking to smoke these days is like asking someone if they can light up a fart." Martin's routine took a slightly different route.

When people ask me if I mind if they smoke, I always say, "No, not at all. Mind if I fart? I like to light one up after dinner."

This came early in the show and I decided to let it slide. After all, it was a slightly different take on fart lighting and it's not like Steve Martin owns the copyright. But toward the end of his show, he blatantly stole a joke from Chris Rock. And the joke isn't even a year old yet.

"Men are only as faithful as their options," Maher said.

What? I saw Chris Rock do that same joke in his HBO comedy special last fall. Did anybody but me pick up on this? Cause I haven't heard a word about it from the straight press. I'd like to know. I find it hard to believe I'm the only one who caught this.

I'm reminded of Bill Hicks' jab at Dennis Leary. "I stole everything I ever did from Dennis Leary. And just to throw everyone off, I performed it before he did."

I like Bill Maher. I like his comedy, his TV show, his balls. The borrowed material amounted to no more than three minutes of his hour-long performance. He didn't need it.

Can you give us a break, Kravitz?

Speaking of material less than a year old, why did Lenny Kravitz sell his rights to the song "Fly Away" so damn soon? I realize that things have changed. Microsoft gets "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones to promote its Windows operating system. The Beatles have sold Nike, thanks to Michael Jackson's manipulation of the band's copyrights, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear a Bob Dylan song in a McDonald's ad someday (probably, "You're Going to Have to Serve Somebody").

But can we let the fuckin' ink dry first? Come one, Kravitz, at least let the song get off the charts before you start peddling it.

Bush and Gore

Bush and Gore. Sounds like every Saturday night decision I've made since my junior year of high school.

I've been getting some email lately asking, "Why aren't you saying anything about George Bush and Al Gore?"

Okay, I will. They can both blow me. The way I see it, one of them's a pampered rich kid with a politician father, while the other is a pampered rich kid with a politician father. There is one thing about them both I admire: Neither is Pat Buchanan. I've got to respect that.

Choosing between Gore and Bush is like choosing between baking soda and mannitol. Give me the real flake, please. That said, you might suspect I'm leaning toward Bush. But you'd be wrong. (And if you were expecting a gratuitous joke about licking pussy, you'd be wrong again.)

Look. I like to do what the other guys don't. Do you need some material about Bush and Gore? Check out Letterman, Leno and Maher. They're on it like a weasel in a wind tunnel (you can use that if you want). You want odds? Gore by ten electoral votes (that's the over and under).

Beside, it's like I said earlier. I don't usually do comedy reviews.

Yes, I did meet The Famous Chicken

Last week, I went to my first game at Dell Stadium, home of the Round Rock Express, the Houston Astros Double-A farm team.

Man, that stadium's better than Candlestick Park for baseball. Not bigger, but better. Great seats, warm weather, DiamondfuckingVision, a pool beyond the right field fence and a killer sound system. I tell you, when Nolan Ryan and Dell Computer team up, great things can happen. It's like a mini-Show. The players must cry their eyes out when they get sent up to Triple-A.

We picked a great night to go. The Express were playing the Shreveport Captains, the San Francisco Giants' Double-A team, and won on a ninth-inning home run -- what sports writers are now calling the "walk-off" home run. (I watched carefully. The fucker ran.)

The best part of the night was when I stood in line with 500 unruly brats for 45 minutes so I could get a photo taken with the artist formerly known as The San Diego Chicken. I've got a link to the Polaroid below.

Of course, being sponsored by Dell Computer, there were some anomalies. When I reached into the Cracker Jack box for my prize, I found a copy of AOL v.5.0, but that's to be expected. (I make American joke!)

George Carlin's Web site

I know I mentioned it before, but you've got to take a look at George Carlin's site. For your viewing convenience, I've included the link below.

Be forewarned: If you have problems with the words fuck, shit, cunt and cocksucker, you're not going to like his site. I would never use those words myself, unless I could use them all in one sentence.

Kite rags on Woods

Whether you like, love or hate golf, you've no doubt heard that Tiger Woods kicked yuppie butt at the U.S. Open Tournament last weekend. You might have also heard that he lost his cool when his tee shot on the 18th hole plopped into the Pacific Ocean, prompting Mr. Woods to spew obscenities which were then picked up by the NBC microphones and broadcast within earshot of the future of America.

Big fuckin' deal.

Tom Kite -- a whiny, has-been, professional golfer from Austin, Texas -- took the opportunity to admonish young Mr. Woods in the Austin American-Statesman newspaper.

I know that kind of language is a little more commonplace now, but I don't think it belongs. I'm sure he'll be fined again. I hate to see Tiger do stuff like that, and I wish he'd show a little more remorse.

Fuck off, Kite. Go fly yourself.

I didn't hear the broadcast, so I don't know exactly what expletives Tiger uttered. But I'd like to think he said, "Use your niblick, ya fuckin' lassie!"

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.