Tiger and Chicken and Maher
Usually there's only one topic
burning in my brain each week when I spew forth my
venomous verbiage as relentlessly as a weasel in a
wind tunnel. Every once in awhile, such as this
week, I've got several unrelated topics bubbling
through the lava lamp of my mind. None is fleshed
out enough to warrant its own column, yet all must
be purged.
Welcome to this week's column.
What the fuck's wrong with Bill
Maher?
I don't normally do comedy reviews,
but I'm going to do one now.
I watched Bill Maher's HBO comedy
special a couple of weeks ago, the much anticpated
(by me, at least) "Be More Cynical."
Maher's one of the few comedians
with the guts to do political material, so I've
always looked forward to his comedy specials. This
time he faked it.
Most of his material seemed to be
taken directly from one-liners I had already heard
him do on his late-night talk show, ABC's
Politically Incorrect. And that's fine. I could see
where he'd want to elaborate on some of his old
material and pepper it with words he couldn't
fuckin' get away with on network TV.
But he's still doing material on
Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. How do you follow
that, with a couple of O.J. jokes?
Still, if these were my only
complaints I wouldn't be bothering to write about
Maher's performace. But wait, there's more. He stole
at least two bits from other comedians.
The first familiar routine came
from an old Steve Martin clump. Maher said, "Asking
to smoke these days is like asking someone if they
can light up a fart." Martin's routine took a
slightly different route.
- When people ask me if I mind if
they smoke, I always say, "No, not at all. Mind if
I fart? I like to light one up after dinner."
This came early in the show and I
decided to let it slide. After all, it was a
slightly different take on fart lighting and it's
not like Steve Martin owns the copyright. But toward
the end of his show, he blatantly stole a joke from
Chris Rock. And the joke isn't even a year old yet.
"Men are only as faithful as their
options," Maher said.
What? I saw Chris Rock do that same
joke in his HBO comedy special last fall. Did
anybody but me pick up on this? Cause I haven't
heard a word about it from the straight press. I'd
like to know. I find it hard to believe I'm the only
one who caught this.
I'm reminded of Bill Hicks' jab at
Dennis Leary. "I stole everything I ever did from
Dennis Leary. And just to throw everyone off, I
performed it before he did."
I like Bill Maher. I like his
comedy, his TV show, his balls. The borrowed
material amounted to no more than three minutes of
his hour-long performance. He didn't really need it.
Can you give us a break,
Kravitz?
Speaking of material less than a
year old, why did Lenny Kravitz sell his rights to
the song "Fly Away" so damn soon? I realize that
things have changed. Microsoft gets "Start Me Up" by
the Rolling Stones to promote its Windows operating
system. The Beatles have sold Nike, thanks to
Michael Jackson's manipulation of the band's
copyrights, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear a
Bob Dylan song in a McDonald's ad someday (probably,
"You're Going to Have to Serve Somebody").
But can we let the fuckin' ink dry
first? Come on, Kravitz, at least let the song get
off the charts before you start peddling it.
Bush and Gore
Bush and Gore. Sounds like every
Saturday night decision I've made since my junior
year of high school.
I've been getting some email lately
asking, "Why aren't you saying anything about George
Bush and Al Gore?"
Okay, I will. They can both blow
me. The way I see it, one of them's a pampered rich
kid with a politician father, while the other is a
pampered rich kid with a politician father. There is
one thing about them both I admire: Neither is Pat
Buchanan. I've got to respect that.
Choosing between Gore and Bush is
like choosing between baking soda and mannitol. Give
me the real flake, please. That said, you might
suspect I'm leaning toward Bush. But you'd be wrong.
(And if you were expecting a gratuitous joke about
licking pussy, you'd be wrong again.)
Look. I like to do what the other
guys don't. Do you need some material about Bush and
Gore? Check out Letterman, Leno and Maher. They're
on it like a weasel in a wind tunnel (you can use
that if you want). You want odds? Gore by ten
electoral votes (that's the over/under).
Beside, it's like I said earlier. I
don't usually do comedy reviews.
Yes, I did meet The Famous
Chicken
Last week, I went to my first game
at Dell Stadium, home of the Round Rock Express, the
Houston Astros Double-A farm team.
Man, that stadium's better than
Candlestick Park for baseball. Not bigger, but
better. Great seats, warm weather,
DiamondfuckingVision, a pool beyond the right field
fence and a killer sound system. I tell you, when
Nolan Ryan and Dell Computer team up, great things
can happen. It's like a mini-Show. The players must
cry their eyes out when they get sent up to
Triple-A.
We picked a great night to go. The
Express were playing the Shreveport Captains, the
San Francisco Giants' Double-A team, and won on a
ninth-inning home run -- what sports writers are now
calling the "walk-off" home run. (I watched
carefully. The fucker ran.)
The best part of the night was when
I stood in line with 500 unruly brats for 45 minutes
so I could get a photo taken with the artist
formerly known as The San Diego Chicken. I've got a
link to the Polaroid below.
Of course, being sponsored by Dell
Computer, there were some anomalies. When I reached
into the Cracker Jack box for my prize, I found a
copy of AOL v.5.0, but that's to be expected. (I
make American joke!)
George Carlin's Web site
I know I mentioned it before, but
you've got to take a look at George Carlin's site.
For your viewing convenience, I've included the link
below.
Be forewarned: If you have problems
with the words fuck, shit, cunt and cocksucker,
you're not going to like his site. I would never use
those words myself, unless I could use them all in
one sentence.
Kite rags on Woods
Whether you like, love or hate
golf, you've no doubt heard that Tiger Woods kicked
yuppie butt at the U.S. Open Tournament last
weekend. You might have also heard that he lost his
cool when his tee shot on the 18th hole plopped into
the Pacific Ocean, prompting Mr. Woods to spew
obscenities which were then picked up by the NBC
microphones and broadcast within earshot of the
future of America.
Big fuckin' deal.
Tom Kite -- a whiny, has-been,
professional golfer from Austin, Texas -- took the
opportunity to admonish young Mr. Woods in the
Austin American-Statesman newspaper.
- I know that kind of language is
a little more commonplace now, but I don't think
it belongs. I'm sure he'll be fined again. I hate
to see Tiger do stuff like that, and I wish he'd
show a little more remorse.
Fuck off, Kite. Go fly yourself.
I didn't hear the broadcast, so I
don't know exactly what expletives Tiger uttered.
But I'd like to think he said, "Use your niblick, ya
fookin' lassie!"
* * *
SLAID CLEAVES: If you're in Austin on Sunday,
June 25th, stop by the Will Hampton Library Gazebo
to see Slaid and his special opening act. Me. We start
at 7:30 p.m.
I never imagined in my wildest dreams that one day I'd
be opening for Slaid Cleaves. I always thought he'd be
opening for me.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be
funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on
your own.
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