How about Miller lite?

I publish this column every Thursday afternoon, and usually that's enough for me. (Quit laughing. I know I'm late.)

But when I opened the newspaper last Friday morning (make that Friday afternoon) and read, "Dennis Miller to join ABC's Monday Night Football," I thought about putting out a column Monday. I could, you know. There's no law against it, no ethical breach, no rule prohibiting the use of this column without the expressed consent of the National Football League.

But I decided not to publish early. For that would require an effort.

Instead, I spent my week reading what other sports writers wrote about this strange turn of events. Most of them tried to write Miller-like diatribes.

Miller: Sanders covers the backfield like a Depression-era crop duster desperate for a steady gig.

Miller: So the Raiders are back in Oakland, huh? That explains why the mascot's now two blind rats, knee-deep in chickenshit, stabbing each other in the back with their agent's gold-plated Cross pens.

Miller: Will you look at that cheap shot? This guy's definitely not old school. Unless he went to Columbine High.

Far be it from me to bore you with a rehash of what every sports writer in the nation wrote last week. Even if the references are a lot crisper.

Cause unlike most of these schmucks, I think plopping Miller into the booth is a great idea. You have to look at it from a TV executive's point of view. Quarterly earnings mean everything to the corporate mind, and there's no doubt that putting Miller in the box will increase ratings for Monday Night Football. People will tune in, even if it's only for the train wreck appeal.

I'll tune in for sure. I still miss Howard Cosell.

Last week, I also listened to the yappers on sports squawk radio. These guys take even more umbrage to Miller than the sports writers. Or they seem to, since they've got inflection on their side.

This is shocking! They're going to put a comedian in the booth? This makes a mockery of the game of football. This is an outrage! It's just ABC going for a quick fix to boost ratings at the cost of football's dignity.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. This is shocking? This is outrageous? A cheap shot to increase ratings? I don't think so. They could do better. You want shocking? You want outrageous? You want higher ratings? Try my idea.

Let's bring back O.J.

There's your shocking. There's your train wreck. Besides, O.J.'s got job experience, since he's already worked with Michaels. I can see it now:

Simpson: Manning made a wicked cut to elude the tackler on that play.
Michaels: Well, you should know.
Simpson: (Pause) We're still talking about football, right?

At least give ABC credit. Before they told us they were hiring Miller, they threatened us with Rush Limbaugh to ease the impact. According to reports I heard from questionable second-hand sources, Miller edged Limbaugh for the Curly spot in the booth next to Michaels (Moe) and Dan Fouts (clearly Larry).

Michaels: Whoa! Shades of The Refrigerator. Did you see what Bubba just did?
Limbaugh: Why certainly. He's got talent on loan from god.
Michaels: Uh-oh. I think I spot a flag on the field. Yeah, they're bringing the play back and it's in the location where holding's usually called. Rush?
Limbaugh: Why certainly. He's got talent on loan from god.

Sure, let's get Limbaugh. Even if it's only for a game or two. Then he could write a book called, "I Never Played The Game, But I Did Own The Football." Or, "I Never Played The Game, Cause They Gave Me A Pink Belly and Took My Lunch Money, The Fuckin' Liberal-Ass Jocks."

Thing is, ABC realized if they picked up Limbaugh they would need to dump Fouts and trade for Al Franken.

Limbaugh: He's got talent on loan from god.
Franken: You're a big, fat, stupid idiot.
Michaels: Whoa! Manning's pass just got plucked from the sky by Larry Allen. Al?
Franken: Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat, stupid idiot.

We should be happy to have Miller in the booth. All of us except Boomer Esiason, who seems to be the only loser in this scenario. No biggie. Now he can write his book, "I Never Played The Game Well Enough."

Who else can we put in the booth? If we're going for shock value and ratings, I say use your imagination. Here's my list:

David Letterman: "Bubba... Boomer. Bubba... Boomer."
Mike Tyson: "Heeth a big puthee. He thould have thacked that guy and bit hith ear off."
Barbara Walters: "Weal wunners wouldn't have waced out of bownds."
Celine Dion: "They're all so young."
Madonna: "Oh, I'd do number 16. Oh, yeah."
President Clinton: "Ah jess can't believe I'm in a booth with Madonna."
The Pope: I tell you, that fucker cracks me up.
Kathy Lee: No experience in broadcasting. Plenty of experience with broadcasters.
Oscar De La Hoya: "Winning isn't everything, Al. I'm coming out at half time."

I assume good taste already left the building, so let's really use our imaginations. Let's get the Parkinson's Disease Trio in the booth.

Michaels: Ohhhh, that was a devastating hit. What did you think of that play, Muhammad?
Muhammad Ali:
Michaels: What's your take, Madame Secretary?
Janet Reno:
Michaels: Michael J., you seem to be quaking in your boots over that last hit. What say you?
Michael J. Fox: Hey, fuck you Al. I took my meds.

Of course, yours truly is the most qualified to do Monday Night Football. Call me Miller lite. I somewhat look like Dennis, and god knows my voice contains the same sarcastic mix of whine and snip. Bonus: Unlike Miller, half the nation doesn't hate my fuckin' guts (although they might, given the opportunity).

Besides, I have experience Miller and the others don't have. I covered Sonoma State football. I once watched Sonoma State call two Quick Kicks in one game. The Quick Kick is so rare, I've capitalized it. You can watch football 24 hours a day, seven days a week for 30 years and never see a Quick Kick. I've seen two in one afternoon.

A Quick Kick occurs when your offense is so pitiful that you decide to punt on third down. The other name for Quick Kick: Giving The Fuck Up.

I even categorize people based on the Quick Kick. So far, I've identified five discreet groups:

1) Those who don't know what a Quick Kick is.
2) Those who know what a Quick Kick is, but have never seen one.
3) Those who know what a Quick Kick is, but have only seen one in movies starring Ronald Reagan.
4) Those who have seen a Quick Kick once.
5) Me and the other 1,349 people who attended the Sonoma State/Cal Northridge came in 1985.

True, I don't have the voice or looks of the other contenders for the Monday Night Football gig. And god knows, I don't have the name recognition. It's also possible I don't know the intricacies of the game as well as most, although I doubt it. But I have one thing going for me none of the other candidates have or ever will: I covered Sonoma State Football.

When it comes to football, I know comedy.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.