How about Miller lite?
I publish this column every
Thursday afternoon, and usually that's enough for
me. (Quit laughing. I know I'm late.)
But when I opened the newspaper
last Friday morning (make that Friday afternoon) and
read, "Dennis Miller to join ABC's Monday Night
Football," I thought about putting out a column
Monday. I could, you know. There's no law against
it, no ethical breach, no rule prohibiting the use
of this column without the expressed consent of the
National Football League.
But I decided not to publish early.
For that would require an effort.
Instead, I spent my week reading
what other sports writers wrote about this strange
turn of events. Most of them tried to write
Miller-like diatribes.
- Miller: Sanders covers the backfield like a
Depression-era crop duster desperate for a steady
gig.
- Miller: So the Raiders are back in Oakland,
huh? That explains why the mascot's now two blind
rats, knee-deep in chickenshit, stabbing each
other in the back with their agent's gold-plated
Cross pens.
- Miller: Will you look at that cheap shot? This
guy's definitely not old school. Unless he went to
Columbine High.
Far be it from me to bore you with
a rehash of what every sports writer in the nation
wrote last week. Even if the references are a lot
crisper.
Cause unlike most of these
schmucks, I think plopping Miller into the booth is
a great idea. You have to look at it from a TV
executive's point of view. Quarterly earnings mean
everything to the corporate mind, and there's no
doubt that putting Miller in the box will increase
ratings for Monday Night Football. People will tune
in, even if it's only for the train wreck appeal.
I'll tune in for sure. I still miss
Howard Cosell.
Last week, I also listened to the
yappers on sports squawk radio. These guys take even
more umbrage to Miller than the sports writers. Or
they seem to, since they've got inflection on their
side.
- This is shocking! They're going
to put a comedian in the booth? This makes a
mockery of the game of football. This is an
outrage! It's just ABC going for a quick fix to
boost ratings at the cost of football's dignity.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
This is shocking? This is outrageous? A cheap shot
to increase ratings? I don't think so. They could do
better. You want shocking? You want outrageous? You
want higher ratings? Try my idea.
Let's bring back O.J.
There's your shocking. There's your
train wreck. Besides, O.J.'s got job experience,
since he's already worked with Michaels. I can see
it now:
- Simpson: Manning made a wicked cut to elude the
tackler on that play.
Michaels: Well, you should know.
Simpson: (Pause) We're still talking about
football, right?
At least give ABC credit. Before
they told us they were hiring Miller, they
threatened us with Rush Limbaugh to ease the impact.
According to reports I heard from questionable
second-hand sources, Miller edged Limbaugh for the
Curly spot in the booth next to Michaels (Moe) and
Dan Fouts (clearly Larry).
- Michaels: Whoa! Shades of The Refrigerator. Did
you see what Bubba just did?
Limbaugh: Why certainly. He's got talent on
loan from god.
Michaels: Uh-oh. I think I spot a flag on
the field. Yeah, they're bringing the play back
and it's in the location where holding's usually
called. Rush?
Limbaugh: Why certainly. He's got talent on
loan from god.
Sure, let's get Limbaugh. Even if
it's only for a game or two. Then he could write a
book called, "I Never Played The Game, But I Did Own
The Football." Or, "I Never Played The Game, Cause
They Gave Me A Pink Belly and Took My Lunch Money,
The Fuckin' Liberal-Ass Jocks."
Thing is, ABC realized if they
picked up Limbaugh they would need to dump Fouts and
trade for Al Franken.
- Limbaugh: He's got talent on loan from god.
Franken: You're a big, fat, stupid idiot.
Michaels: Whoa! Manning's pass just got
plucked from the sky by Larry Allen. Al?
Franken: Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat,
stupid idiot.
We should be happy to have Miller
in the booth. All of us except Boomer Esiason, who
seems to be the only loser in this scenario. No
biggie. Now he can write his book, "I Never Played
The Game Well Enough."
Who else can we put in the booth?
If we're going for shock value and ratings, I say
use your imagination. Here's my list:
- David Letterman: "Bubba... Boomer. Boomer... Bubba."
Mike Tyson: "Heeth a big puthee. He thould
have thacked that guy and bit hith ear off."
Barbara Walters: "Weal wunners wouldn't
have waced out of bownds."
Celine Dion: "They're all so young."
Madonna: "Oh, I'd do number 16. Oh, yeah."
President Clinton: "Ah jess can't believe
I'm in a booth with Madonna."
Kathy Lee: No experience in broadcasting.
Plenty of experience with broadcasters.
Oscar De La Hoya: "Winning isn't
everything, Al.
Also, I'm coming out at half time."
I assume good taste already left
the building, so let's really use our imaginations.
Let's get the Parkinson's Disease Trio in the booth.
- Michaels: Ohhhh, that was a devastating hit. What
did you think of that play, Muhammad?
Muhammad Ali:
Michaels: What's your take, Madame
Secretary?
Janet Reno:
Michaels: Michael J., you seem to be
quaking in your boots over that last hit. What say
you?
Michael J. Fox: Hey, fuck you Al. I took my
meds.
Of course, yours truly is the most
qualified to do Monday Night Football. Call me
Miller lite. I somewhat look like Dennis, and god
knows my voice contains the same sarcastic mix of
whine and snip. And unlike Miller, half the nation
doesn't hate my fuckin' guts. Yet.
Besides, I have experience Miller
and the others don't have. I covered Sonoma State
football. I once watched Sonoma State call two quick
kicks in one game. And the quick kick is rare. You
can watch football 24 hours a day, seven days a week
for 30 years and never see a quick kick. I've seen
two in one afternoon.
A quick kick occurs when your
offense is so pitiful that you decide to punt on
third down. The other name for quick kick: giving
the fuck up.
I even categorize people based on
the quick kick. So far, I've identified five
discreet groups:
- 1) Those who don't know what a
quick kick is.
2) Those who know what a quick kick is, but have
never seen one.
3) Those who know what a quick kick is, but have
only seen one in movies starring Ronald Reagan.
4) Those who have seen a quick kick once.
5) Me and the other 1,349 people who attended the
Sonoma State/Cal Northridge came in 1985.
True, I don't have the voice or
looks of the other contenders for the Monday Night
Football gig. And god knows, I don't have the name
recognition. It's also possible I don't know the
intricacies of the game as well as most, although I
doubt it. But I have one thing going for me none of
the other candidates have or ever will: I covered
Sonoma State Football.
When it comes to football, I know
comedy.
* * *
CAROUSEL LOUNGE: If you're in the Austin area July 3, come
watch Russ Somers, Kevin Gant and me open for Steve
Hopkins at the Carousel Lounge. The action starts at
6:30 p.m. until such time when we're unable to stand.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can
read anything else into it, you're on your own.
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