Good fencers make good targets

A few months ago, I checked my e-mail to find a note from one of my colleagues, a former reporter for the Oak Hill Gazette. Seems he was working a new gig now: public relations for the Olympic-qualifying fencers coming to town. "Do you want to do a story about this?" he asked.

Uhhhhhhh, no.

Of course, I didn't say no then. Since the event didn't happen until July, I figured I could just delay the story and maybe he would forget he ever asked.

I was wrong. In the next e-mail, he asked whether I'd like to take part in Media Fencing Day, when reporters and Austin notables would engage in a public fencing match. Again, I tried to wiggle out. Too bad, cause I missed a great opportunity for some gonzo journalism.

For the second time in two years, Austin hosted the National Fencing Tournament, which took place June 30 to July 9. More than 2,000 fencers descended on Austin for a chance to win national recognition and a possible spot on the U.S. Olympic team. I can't verify this, but I'd guess local gay bars were doing a brisk business.

Here's my knock on fencing: As far as I can tell, the fencer with the longest arm wins. It's all about reach.

So when I heard about Media Day, I decided not to dress-up like a militant beekeeper and take part in the match for two reasons: 1) As I suspected, only Mayor Kirk Watson got TV time, and 2) I've got short arms. And I hate to lose.

I did watch the Media Day event on local TV, however. At first, I was confused when the announcer shouted, "Welcome to Fence Austin!" Hey, that's a good idea. It'll keep the Californians out. Then I watched Mayor Watson duel with some media honcho. Watson lost. Short arms.

Thinking I should know about a subject before I ridiculed it (as if it ever stopped me before), I went to the Fence Austin home page. It's a national Web site with almost 9,000 hits. (Who says fencing isn't popular, huh?)

Next, I looked up "National Fencing Championships" on a search engine and the first link to come up was, "Sports: NFL coverage." I didn't check the article, but I imagine it included a phrase such as, "The NFL, which unlike fencing does not suck..."

I also went to the United States Fencing Association Web page and read an item called "What is fencing?"

The sport of fencing is fast and athletic, a far cry from the choreographed bouts you see on film or on the stage. Instead of swinging from a chandelier or leaping from balconies, you will see two fencers performing an intense dance on a six-feet-by-40-feet strip. The movement is so fast the touches are scored electrically -- more like Star Wars than Errol Flynn.

In other words, it's boring (you saw the last Star Wars movie, right?). If fencers did swing from chandeliers and leap from balconies, I'd be in the front row. Instead, fencing's more like two Intel chip makers playing tag. "You're it. Now I'm it. Now you're it again. You're still it. You're still it. You're still it. I win."

Fuck fencing. It's a non-sport. I've seen more tension in gardening. There's more suspense at the post office in November (they're armed too, you know). There's only one sport I hate more than fencing. Carpentry.

Don't get me wrong. I'll support our U.S. fencers in the Olympics, for I'm as jingoistic as the next guy. I'll cheer them on when they go for the gold. Ulee's gold.

Besides, if I were going to the Olympics this year I'd prefer to be a fencer, an archer or a pistol shooter.

I figure when the Aborigine uprising takes place in Sydney this summer, it'll be better to be armed.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.