How to alienate California women
I once went to a shrink who told
me, "You're a pessimist. You see the glass as half
empty, whereas I see the glass as half full."
I thought it over a few seconds
then said, "Well, I was going to drink from the
glass. What were you going to do, piss in it?"
Maybe he's right. Maybe I am a
pessimist. Maybe I do see things for the worst.
Maybe I only think I alienated every woman I met
during my trip to California. For example:
Michele and I were drinking a beer
and catching up with our lives at a bar called
Chevy's in Santa Rosa, California. It was my last
night in town and I had scored tickets to the San
Francisco Giants that night, so that only left us
half an hour to chat.
We picked up where we left off
years earlier, a brisk conversation about politics,
old friends, book publishing (not much shoptalk,
though) and relationships. It was good to see her,
and I thought it was good for her to see me until
she said, "You know what? You look a little like
Billy Bob Thornton."
I turned to the bartender. "Is my
lip bleeding? Cause I think I just took a right
cross."
I don't get it. After all, I was
wearing my black baseball cap. What went wrong? For
example:
Two nights earlier I was sitting at
my bar stool (yes, it's still mine) at Jasper
O'Farrell's in Sebastopol, when who strolls in but
my old friend Alan. Or as I like to call him (but
not to his face) Super Yuppie.
Alan cracks me up. He reminds me of
a drunken Jim Backus. Which I guess is what Jim
Backus was. (Note: Jim Backus was the millionaire on
Gilligan's Island, for the unenlightened. What's
Gilligan's Island? Stop reading now.)
"I see you're still wearing the
same hat," he said.
I was wearing my black baseball
cap, the one with bold letters that spell out
P-R-E-S-S across the front.
"Works better than a press pass," I
said.
About that time, a woman sat down
at the stool to my left. She was about 30,
Hispanic-looking and gorgeous.
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Mike Jasper."
"Are you the one who wrote the song
for Billy's album?"
I told her I was. A friend of mine
-- Bill DeCarli, the night bartender at Jasper
O'Farrell's and a singer-songwriter -- had just
recorded a CD and covered one of my songs for the
album. Apparently, word got around that I was the
writer of "Blue Tonight," so all day I had been
given the celebrity treatment as guys bought me
pints of Guinness and women asked me my name. All
the while I wondered why, until Jack put the CD on
the bar stereo and I caught on. Once catching on I
milked it for all it was worth.
"Yes," I told the comely woman. "I
wrote one of the songs. Great CD, huh?"
I turned from her to talk to Alan
some more, when she grabbed me by the arm.
"I'm meeting a friend here. An old
friend. I'm a little nervous, but I've got to see
him. Do you know why?"
"No, why?"
"Cause he's a great fuck."
"I understand. I'm getting nervous
just thinking about it."
I turned to Alan to continue our
conversation, when I felt her hand reach over my lap
and squeeze my cock. I turned to her and said,
"Thanks for noticing," and she fled. As she headed
out the bar I yelled, "It gets bigger, you know."
I turned to Alan and he asked, "Did
she just grab your cock?"
"She did."
Flustered and disgusted he said,
"You know what it is, Jasper? It's not your writing,
and God knows it's not your looks. I think you'll
agree that it's not from the charm of your abrasive
personality, either. Do you know what it is that
attracts women to you? It's that fucking hat."
I thought about this a minute and
decided he was right. For example:
On the plane to California, I sat
with Shay, a 22-year-old cello player who was moving
from Boston to San Francisco to study at the
conservatory. She was attractive, in a studious,
Bryn Mawr style, and the glasses she wore worked to
enhance that image. I talked to her the entire two
hours to San Francisco, reeking of Jack Daniels and
nicotine all the way. The theme: Listen to everyone,
even weirdos, especially me, right now.
There wasn't much she could do to
stop my diatribe.
I'm sure she was thinking, "God, I
hope this guy doesn't latch onto me at the airport."
But when we landed, I grabbed my carry-on, mumbled,
"Nice meeting you, gotta go," and quickly left the
plane. As I looked back, I'm sure I saw a trace of
disappointment cross her face.
My point? I was wearing the damn
press hat. I tell you, women just love that hat. For
example:
After leaving the airport, I
grabbed a seat on the Airport Express to Sonoma
County. I took the back seat of the bus so I could
drink my plastic travel bottle of Jack Daniels with
impunity. A 26-year-old coed from Berkeley took the
seat in front of me and we struck up a conversation.
She loved weirdos, apparently. And I was still
wearing the hat. Before she left, I asked for her
number.
"Let's get together Saturday," I
said. "You can show me the town."
I woke up the next day with that,
"Oh, no, I think I fucked up" feeling, until I
realized I had only promised a future fuck-up the
coming Saturday. I found her number and threw it
away. Damn hat.
Although I hadn't alienated the
coed immediately, I succeeded by Saturday night. On
some women, my powers of alienation are more direct.
For example:
Friday night, I drove to San Jose
for a party at Valerie's house, a writer I had known
for two years on the Internet. That night, I met her
face to face for the first time and it went well.
Valerie was a gracious host and introduced me to all
of her friends, most of them employees of
TalkCity.com, an Internet company. After she
introduced me to everyone at the party, we drank
beers, smoked cigarettes and... talked. I guess that
was inevitable.
Unfortunately, one of the women I
talked to was Valerie's devout Irish-Catholic
roommate.
"I understand you write jokes for
comedians," she said. "I think that's strange. Why
don't they write their own material?"
"Well, that's not entirely true. I
don't write for comedians so much as edit or produce
them. They send me material and I tell them what
works or what doesn't. Lately, I've been producing
CDs for a new lesbian comedian. She's been a
comedian for awhile, but she's only been a lesbian
for about a year."
"How do you know that?" she asked.
"I've got inside information," I
said. "I fucked her a few years ago."
"Ohhhhh, that was more than I
needed to know."
She soon ditched me. I shrugged my
shoulders and took a long sip from my half-empty
beer.
When I finally returned home to
Austin, I allowed myself some quiet time to
contemplate the events of my journey to the West. I
decided there was nothing much to write about, so I
opened a beer, sat on the couch and tuned on HBO to
watch a movie I had never heard of called "Pushing
Tin." Fifteen minutes into the movie, Billy Bob
Thornton appeared on the tube and I bolted upright.
Staring at Billy Bob was like staring into a mirror.
He could have been my twin brother-- same short
beard, same beady eyes, same drawn face. And if that
wasn't enough, he was wearing a black baseball cap.
Then and there I had a moment of
clarity, an epiphany really, and realized two
things: 1) Michele wasn't putting me down after all,
and 2) Billy Bob Thornton's a really good looking
guy.
Or is it just the hat?
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can
read anything else into it, you're on your own.
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