Did you get a haircut?

I think non sequitur can be pretty funny. But that's because I eat a lot of peanut butter.

The above has nothing to do with the rest of this column, but it excuses me from having to write snappy transitions this week. That said...

I saw an old friend the other day at Barnes & Nobles. I sometimes go to that hulking, corporate bookstore to use the bathroom. Barnes & Nobles is just a great place to take a piss.

Anyway, I see this friend coming out of the store and we chat it up a bit. Then I ask, "Man, you seem different somehow. Did you get a haircut?"

"Dude, I lost part of my arm in a car wreck last winter."

"Hmmm. No, that's not it. Did you dye your hair?"

You see, I notice people and how they change. When I see someone looking thinner, I always say, "Hey, Bill, looks like you lost some weight." If they shave their beard, I notice. If they buy a new coat, I notice. If they get pregnant, I notice. Whether they want me to or not.

"Hey, Shelly, when's the baby due?"

"Thanks a lot, fuckhead. That's it, I'm going to Weight Watchers tomorrow."

"Yeah, I understand. Twins, right?"

Tact? Not my strong suit. Given that, you'd probably think I don't get invited to parties or other social functions very often. But you'd be wrong. Party hosts love me and usually assign me special tasks.

"Jasper, see the guy in the suit with the string tie?"

"Yeah."

"He's wearing a toupee. Go over and tell him how good it looks."

"Got it."

A few days ago, I called my editor at the Oak Hill Gazette to find out what I needed to write for this week's issue. Some story about a kid who got his head trapped in a gate (that again?) if you must know. After getting my assignment, I asked my editor, "Have you noticed I've been losing weight?"

"No," he said. "I don't notice men's bodies."

Really. Now there's a strange strain of homophobia, huh? It automatically excludes him from certain activities in life, such as coaching football.

"You're putting Riley on the offensive line? Why?"

"Why not?"

"Well, he's 5-foot-6 for openers."

"Oh. Well, I don't notice men's bodies."

What's he afraid of? Is he afraid if he notices men he might find something there he relishes? It makes me wonder if he's homophobic after all. Maybe he's just abstaining.

But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about losing weight.

During my trip to California, I was hanging out with Johnny the C. and Fred, aka The Piranha Man-- last of the great blues kazoo players. About ten years ago, we all roomed together at Fred's house, when John and I were coming down from bad divorces.

At this informal old home reunion, Fred and I noticed John had lost a considerable amount of weight, close to 40 pounds it seemed. We marvelled at his new look and admitted that we could stand to lose a few pounds as well.

We stood around commiserating about our battle with the bulge until I pointed out, "You know, ten years ago we used to talk about girls. Now we're talking about diets. It's official. We're old fucks."

Yep. We went from not-enough-women to too-much-weight within a decade. Life sucks, if you pay attention.

I went out on the back patio for a smoke and Johnny the C. joined me. He revealed his secret to weight loss: The Atkins Diet.

"What the hell is that?" I asked.

"It's the greatest. You can eat all the chicken, fish, pork, seafood and red meat you want."

"Get out of here," I said.

"Nope, it's true. You can eat all the butter you want, but you can't eat margarine. You can drink heavy cream, but you can't drink milk."

"What is this, the Bizzaro World diet?"

"No, it's a low-carbohydrate diet. But you can eat all the fat you can stand."

"Man, this diet sounds great! Does it work?"

"Look at me. Yeah it works. But there are some things you can't eat. You can't eat sugar at all."

"Hell, I can live with that."

"And you can't eat pasta, bread or any grains."

"Hmmm. I love my spaghetti, but if I get to trade it for a steak, fine."

"You can only eat meat and vegetables, really. And when you start out, you can only eat one salad and one cooked vegetable a day. No more than 20 grams of carbohydrates from veggies per day."

"This diet keeps getting better and better. Let me get this straight. You can eat all the red meat you want, but you have to temper the veggies? Now there's a twist."

"And you can't eat fruit, cause there's sugar in that as well."

"I can live without bananas, I guess. Man, I'm going on this diet as soon as I get back to Austin."

"One other thing," he added. "You can't drink any beer on this diet."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! This diet sucks, man!"

There's always a fuckin' catch.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.