Bush, Dick, asshole

I want to thank George W. Bush -- affectionately known as The Guv -- for writing my column this week. It makes my life a lot easier.

You know what I'm talking about. Apparently, a hidden microphone picked up a comment he made about New York Times reporter Adam Clymer. And where was the mic hidden? Right under his blow-snortin' hose nose. Had the mic been placed on a mirror, he would have known right away.

Reportedly, Bush said, "There is Adam Clymer -- major league asshole from the New York Times over there." And Dick replied, "Yeah, he is big time."

I'm confused. Was it really a put-down? I mean, given that the Republicans are running the full genital ticket this year, maybe asshole is a term of endearment. As in, "There goes my asshole buddy, Adam. I just love that fuckwad." Hard to tell.

Karen Hughes, The Guv's communications director, seems to believe the remark was derogatory. "It was a whispered aside to his running mate," she said. "It was not intended for public consumption."

No shit, Karen. You think?

I'll go out on a limb and assume it was meant as a putdown. Apparently, The Guv didn't like some of the articles Clymer wrote about him, so he called him an asshole. Fair enough. But it makes me wonder what kind of nickname he'd have for me. Something less dignified than asshole, I bet.

"Hey, look Dick. Cocksucker-motherfucker just walked in."

I guess I'll never know, since I've never met The Guv and my window of opportunity to meet him is probably closed. Well, at least till the second week of November.

But I did attend a party at his house last year. I managed to crash the Austin Film Festival opening night bash at The Gov's mansion, where I took advantage of the free liquor and made a point to visit the bathroom so I could take advantage of the free blow. Man, I searched that bathroom from top to bottom, but didn't find a fleck of the white stuff. I even licked the mirrors clean just to make sure. Nothing.

As I left the bathroom, another reporter collared me. "The good shit's upstairs in the private bathroom."

That figures. I guess The Guv's cocaine stash isn't meant for public consumption either. Asshole.

(By the way, I'd like to interrupt this column to announce that I have absolutely no plans to run for public office, either now or in the future. And you know the fuck why.)

Don't get me wrong. Just because I like to rag on the Big W. doesn't mean I'm giving The Tin Man Gore a ringing endorsement. But at least Gore has a sense of semantics. After all, he didn't choose a running mate named "Ox" or "Vidal" or even worse "Quayle."

I guess the Republicans just can't help it. Whenever they have the opportunity to run a Dick, it's too tempting to resist.

The good news? If the Bush-Dick ticket wins, I should have a lot to write about.

"Look, it's that fuckin' camel jockey Arafat," Bush said today.

"Is Barney Frank still waiting to see me? Shit, go ahead and send the old butt-slammer in."

"Chris Rock? Who is he, a dealer? I get it. Street name, right?"

"Buenos dias, Presidente. Usted tiene una cara como puerco!"

You know, something tells me Bush isn't going to win. He's simply running out of feet to shoot. And even though I'll miss his I-can-hang-with-Quayle-if-I-have-to quotes, at least I'll have one consolation:

He won't have Cocksucker-motherfucker to push around anymore.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.