Did the summer Olympics
start already?
I'm not a sore loser.
So what if Australia's swimmers kicked
America's ass in the 800-meter relay, even though three Austinites
were on the team and my home town could have had a moment of
glory, but nooooooo, that wasn't going to happen on the Aussies'
home court was it, and has anyone checked those fuckers in Sydney
for steroids yet?
Yeah. I'm not a sore loser.
Pretty much every Austin athlete has lost
in the Olympics so far, but I don't care. It's not like these
games are going to count anyway. Why? Because you can't hold
the summer Olympics during winter and it's winter in Australia.
That's a do-over.
Truth is, I hadn't given the Olympics
much thought until news of American losses came over the metaphorical
transom of my computer. Sure, some Americans won their events.
But only athletes with ridiculous names, like Misty Hyman. For
the most part, things look bleak for Team USA.
Even our dykes are losing, for crissakes.
The women's softball team tanked against China in one game, then
tanked against Japan in the next. C'mon, girls, get your heads
into the game. Is everyone on the softball squad glued to alt.binaries.erotica.asian-girls?
Oh, well. If you can't beat them, rip
them to shreds. It's not like it's all that hard to do.
For example: the first American to win
Olympic gold earned her heavy metal in a fierce shootout in the
air rifle competition. Air rifle competition? Fuck me, if they
keep adding events like air rifle, even I might compete in the
Olympics one day.
Announcer: And this just in... despite
a strong field featuring Aussie favorites Cameron Koo and Peter
West, Texan Mike Jasper won the first gold medal of the 2008
summer Olympics in the drunken beer-loaded squirt gun competition.
After the match, Jasper said, "I knew I was going to win
the gold when I nailed the fucker in the fly."
Still, air rifle seems like a glamour
sport compared to the ultimate Olympic dork sport: wrestling.
Now there's a group of boys who have made some poor life decisions.
Granted, not everyone has what it takes to become an Olympic
wrestler. Nature doles out her talents gingerly, and only a precious
few possess the god-given qualities necessary to rise to the
top of international wrestling, such as:
1) A willingness to dedicate years of
your life to intense physical training.
2) No sense of social dignity whatsoever.
Wrestlers are the ultimate amateur athletes,
and you can bet not one of those boys is ever going to win a
hefty endorsement. Even if he wins every match by a buttfuck.
Sure, once in awhile an eccentric millionaire
-- say an heir to the Dupont fortune -- might throw some money
at a wrestler. But eventually even this deluded trust-funder
will come to his senses. And when he does? He'll blow the fuckin'
wrestler away.
Women's gymnastics? I can't watch that
either. Even the interviews make me cringe. They all sound like
they spent the day sucking helium. Besides, watching women's
gymnastics makes me feel like a pervert or a pedophile, and I'm
not prepared to shoulder that guilt. Men's gymnastics? Same guilt.
But worse.
In a rare display of puckishness, the
Olympic Committee added women weight lifters to the games this
year. Have you seen that 16-year-old American female weight lifter?
Now there's an endorsement waiting to happen. What's her name?
Helga? That'll do. I can honestly say I don't feel any guilt
watching Helga perform. Fear and disgust, but no guilt. How would
you like to see her mug on a Wheaties box in the morning? I can
already hear the commercials.
"It's Helga! Olympic champion and
professional slump buster!"
Nastiness.
I know. I shouldn't pick on somebody's
size, especially since I'm struggling to lose ten pounds myself.
But I was never a big fan of male weight lifters either. If I
want to see fat guys lifting heavy objects, I'll go down to the
Horseshoe Lounge during keg change.
There are probably another 119 events
I could rag on, but I'd prefer to rag on America's TV coverage
instead. The other night, I clicked on NBC to get an Olympic
update and found a feature about some dead Australian gentleman
who helped John F. Kennedy (a dead American gentleman) return
to civilization after the latter crashed PT 109 in the Pacific
Ocean during WWII (I tell you -- don't get into a vehicle with
a Kennedy). It was a nice history lesson, but what's this got
to do with Olympic coverage?
According to Bob Costas -- who sends me
secret messages with his eyebrows to let me know John Tesh sucks
-- the "Save JFK" story was meant to show the great
lengths NBC will go to kiss the host country's ass. NBC also
wants to emphasize the great relationship the United States and
Australia have enjoyed since WWII.
Who knew? The United States gets along
with Australia? An English-speaking country teeming with white
people? What are the odds?
For my money, the best Olympic coverage
happens during the day on CNN-Sports Illustrated. Apparently,
CNN-SI executives don't have access to Olympic video highlights,
although I haven't ruled out the possibility that they just don't
feel like running them. Instead, they show still photos of Olympic
athletes and let the talking heads connect the dots. It reminds
me of Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update," but if
you play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" during
the broadcast you can get stoned if you roll a fat one.
I got so fucked up during yesterday's
broadcast, I could have sworn I saw a black man swimming.
There's one other thing I've noticed about
CNN-SI. To ensure that only authentic coverage of the Sydney
Olympics radiates from your TV screen, CNN-SI honchos have hired
every reporter with an Australian accent this side of Singapore.
Thing is, I don't remember them doing the same during the winter
Olympics.
"Ahhhhhhhh, I ruv the snowbowding.
It locks."
Sadly, the summer-during-winter Olympic
games have been something of a letdown so far. Where in the hell
are the aboriginal uprisings I was promised? Come on Australia,
I need some funny material from Down Under and there's nothing
quite so hilarious as a race riot. Send me something Drudge-worthy,
please, instead of all this useless footage of Austinites in
losing positions.
Yeah. I'm a sore loser. But I'm packing
a squirt gun full of beer, so don't fuck with me.
* * *
MY LUCK: Now
that I've written a column slamming the Olympics, no doubt next
week a tragedy will occur in Sydney that makes Munich look like
a turkey shoot and everyone will assume I'm an insensitive fuckwad.
I won't deny the charge, but my inbox could use a break this
week. I'm still sifting through the hate mail I got after writing
about Knight.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into
it, you're on your own.
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