Did the summer
Olympics start already?
I'm not a sore loser.
So what if Australia's swimmers
kicked America's ass in the 800-meter relay, even
though three Austinites were on the team and my home
town could have had a moment of glory, but nooooooo,
that wasn't going to happen on the Aussies' home
court was it, and has anyone checked those fuckers
in Sydney for steroids yet?
Yeah. I'm not a sore loser.
Pretty much every Austin athlete
has lost in the Olympics so far, but I don't care.
It's not like these games are going to count anyway.
Why? Because you can't hold the summer Olympics
during winter and it's winter in Australia. That's a
do-over.
Truth is, I hadn't given the
Olympics much thought until news of American losses
came over the metaphorical transom of my computer.
Sure, some Americans won their events. But only
athletes with ridiculous names, like Misty Hyman.
For the most part, things look bleak for Team USA.
Even our dykes are losing, for
crissakes. The women's softball team tanked against
China in one game, then tanked against Japan in the
next. C'mon, girls, get your heads into the game. Is
everyone on the softball squad glued to
alt.binaries.erotica.asian-girls?
Oh, well. If you can't beat them,
rip them to shreds. It's not like it's all that hard
to do.
For example: the first American to
win Olympic gold earned her heavy metal in a fierce
shootout in the air rifle competition. Air rifle
competition? Fuck me, if they keep adding events
like air rifle, even I might compete in the Olympics
one day.
Announcer: And this just in...
despite a strong field featuring Aussie favorites
Cameron Koo and Peter West, Texan Mike Jasper won
the first gold medal of the 2008 summer Olympics in
the drunken beer-loaded squirt gun competition.
After the match, Jasper said, "I knew I was going to
win the gold when I nailed the fucker in the fly."
Still, air rifle seems like a
glamour sport compared to the ultimate Olympic dork
sport: wrestling. Now there's a group of boys who
have made some poor life decisions. Granted, not
everyone has what it takes to become an Olympic
wrestler. Nature doles out her talents gingerly, and
only a precious few possess the god-given qualities
necessary to rise to the top of international
wrestling, such as:
1) A willingness to dedicate years
of your life to intense physical training.
2) No sense of social dignity whatsoever.
Wrestlers are the ultimate amateur
athletes, and you can bet not one of those boys is
ever going to win a hefty endorsement. Even if he
wins every match by a buttfuck.
Sure, once in awhile an eccentric
millionaire -- say an heir to the Dupont fortune --
might throw some money at a wrestler. But eventually
even this deluded trust-funder will come to his
senses, and when he does he'll blow the fuckin'
wrestler away.
Women's gymnastics? I can't watch
that either. Even the interviews make me cringe.
They all sound like they spent the day sucking
helium. Besides, watching women's gymnastics makes
me feel like a pervert or a pedophile, and I'm not
prepared to shoulder that guilt. Men's gymnastics?
More guilt and even worse.
In a rare display of puckishness,
the Olympic Committee added women weight lifters to
the games this year. Have you seen that 16-year-old
American female weight lifter? Now there's an
endorsement waiting to happen. What's her name,
Helga? That'll do. I can honestly say I don't feel
any guilt watching Helga perform. Fear and disgust,
but no guilt. How would you like to see her mug on a
Wheaties box in the morning? I can already hear the
commercials.
"It's Helga! Olympic champion and
professional slump buster!"
Nastiness.
I know. I shouldn't pick on
somebody's size, especially since I'm struggling to
lose ten pounds myself. But I was never a big fan of
male weight lifters either. If I want to see fat
guys lifting heavy objects, I'll go down to the
Horseshoe Lounge during keg change.
There are probably another 119
events I could rag on, but I'd prefer to rag on
America's TV coverage instead. The other night, I
clicked on NBC to get an Olympic update and found a
feature about some dead Australian gentleman who
helped John F. Kennedy (a dead American gentleman)
return to civilization after the latter crashed PT
109 in the Pacific Ocean during WWII (I tell you,
don't get into a vehicle with a Kennedy). It was a
nice history lesson, but what's this got to do with
Olympic coverage?
According to Bob Costas -- who
sends me secret messages with his eyebrows to let me
know John Tesh sucks -- the "Save JFK" story was
meant to show the great lengths NBC will go to kiss
the host country's ass. NBC also wants to emphasize
the great relationship the United States and
Australia have enjoyed since WWII.
Who knew? The United States gets
along with Australia? An English-speaking country
teeming with white people? What are the odds?
For my money, the best Olympic
coverage happens during the day on CNN-Sports
Illustrated. Apparently, CNN-SI executives don't
have access to Olympic video highlights, although I
haven't ruled out the possibility that they just
don't feel like running them. Instead, they show
still photos of Olympic athletes and let the talking
heads connect the dots. It reminds me of Saturday
Night Live's "Weekend Update," but if you play Pink
Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" during the broadcast
you can get stoned if you roll a fat one.
I got so fucked up during
yesterday's broadcast, I could have sworn I saw a
black man swimming.
There's one other thing I've
noticed about CNN-SI. To ensure that only authentic
coverage of the Sydney Olympics radiates from your
TV screen, CNN-SI honchos have hired every reporter
with an Australian accent this side of Singapore.
Thing is, I don't remember them doing the same
during the winter Olympics.
"Ahhhhhhhh, I ruv the snowbowding.
It locks."
Sadly, the summer-during-winter
Olympic games have been something of a letdown so
far. Where in the hell are the aboriginal uprisings
I was promised? Come on Australia, I need some funny
material from Down Under and there's nothing quite
so hilarious as a race riot. Send me something
Drudge-worthy, please, instead of all this useless
footage of Austinites in losing positions.
Yeah. I'm a sore loser. But I'm
packing a squirt gun full of beer, so don't fuck
with me.
* * *
MY LUCK: Now
that I've written a column slamming the Olympics, no
doubt next week a tragedy will occur in Sydney that
makes Munich look like a turkey shoot and everyone
will assume I'm an insensitive fuckwad. I won't deny
the charge, but my inbox could use a break this week.
I'm still sifting through the hate mail I got after
writing about Knight.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can
read anything else into it, you're on your own.
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