The choice is clear
Americans are fucked up. I'm an
American. Guess what?
It's not our fault. It's the
government's. You see, every four years we're faced
with two perplexing media events that peck at our
time and nibble at our groins -- The Summer Olympics
and the Presidential elections. It's too much, it's
just too fuckin' much.
Two weeks ago, I dealt with the
Olympics. Now I'm ready to wade through the slime of
American politics. Why? I don't know. I'm confused.
Maybe I need to drink more. Maybe I need to start
taking drugs again.
Or maybe my readers need to get off
my fucking back. (Holy shit. Where's this coming
from?)
It gets worse. I can't make up my
mind exactly which lying sack of shit to vote for.
There's just too many lying sacks of shits these
days. Lately, I've been thinking about voting for
the Green Party candidate. Then turning gay. Then
swallowing the gun.
I also took a close look at the
Reform Party, but decided my German was too rusty.
The Libertarian candidate has a certain appeal, but
I still would like to use some government services.
Like sidewalks.
Once again, I'm stuck between an
ass and a pachyderm place. So last night, I watched
the debate between Al Gore and George Bush to see if
I could glean some insights before the election.
Sure enough, the second debate was much more
informative than the first. I didn't fall asleep
this time.
I still see room for improvement,
though, so I've come up with some advice to improve
the next Presidential squabble.
For Bush: Don't laugh at Gore's jokes. You sound
like you just took a bong hit.
For Gore: Don't use the word reinvent. Ever.
For Bush: Don't make sniffing noises. It creates a
bad impression.
For Gore: Either fully support gay and lesbian
rights or lose the sibilance.
For Bush: Don't start an attack on the Clinton
administration about issues such as Prudhoe Bay,
only to support it three seconds later. Give
yourself 30 seconds at least.
For Gore: Don't quote passages from the Bible. This
is politics, not pro football.
For Bush: Try not to look so stunned when Gore's
quoting health care figures from your home state.
He's probably making them up anyway.
For Gore: If you're going to comb your hair like
Jack Haley, at least learn the words to "If I Only
Had A Heart."
For Bush: You told entirely too many jokes near the
end of the debate. But at least you didn't say,
"Hey, I'll be here all week. Try the veal."
For Gore: You still sound like a Presbyterian
minister. Could you at least sound like a fuckin'
Baptist minister? Study Jesse Jackson, boy.
For Bush: The Texas Legislature meets once every
two years, not four. I understand your confusion.
They don't always tell you.
And one note for moderator Jim
Lehrer: There's no need to keep interrupting Al
Gore. There are better ways to stay awake.
Did I get any positive impressions
from the debate? Sure. They're both well-groomed and
nobody vomited. Did I see a clear-cut winner last
night? Sure. The New York Mets, 6-2.
I've studied the Governor of Texas
for six years and scrutinized the VP for eight.
Sometimes, the differences between Beavis and the
Tin Man seem too miniscule to matter. But last
night, I had a moment of clarity and now the choice
is clear.
I'm voting for the Ivy
League-educated, rich-kid son of a famous
politician. I'm voting for junior.
* * *
STAY WITH ME PEOPLE: I've been getting e-mails
that read, "You're voting for Bush?" No, no, no. I never
said that. Let me explain. Bush went to Yale, Gore went
to Harvard. Both are sons of rich fathers. Bush is the
son of ex-President George Bush. And Gore is the son of
former Senator Al Gore, Jr. See? And they're both
juniors... see? (I guess Al Gore, Sr. isn't as famous as
he said he was when we got drunk together.)
So who am I voting for? The guy I usually vote for. The
guy who needs the money. Me.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can
read anything else into it, you're on your own.
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