The choice is clear
Americans are fucked up. I'm an American.
Guess what?
It's not our fault. It's the government's.
You see, every four years we're faced with two perplexing media
events that peck at our time and nibble at our groins -- The
Summer Olympics and the Presidential elections. It's too much,
it's just too fuckin' much.
Two weeks ago, I dealt with the Olympics.
Now I'm ready to wade through the slime of American politics.
Why? I don't know. I'm confused. Maybe I need to drink more.
Maybe I need to start taking drugs again.
Or maybe my readers need to get off my
fucking back. (Holy shit. Where's this coming from?)
It gets worse. I can't make up my mind
exactly which lying sack of shit to vote for. There's just too
many lying sacks of shits these days. Lately, I've been thinking
about voting for the Green Party candidate. Then turning gay.
Then swallowing the gun.
I also took a close look at the Reform
Party, but decided my German was too rusty. The Libertarian candidate
has a certain appeal, but I still like to use some government
services. Like sidewalks.
Once again, I'm stuck between an ass and
a pachyderm place. So last night, I watched the debate between
Al Gore and George Bush to see if I could glean some insights
before the election. Sure enough, the second debate was much
more informative than the first. I didn't fall asleep this time.
I still see room for improvement, though,
so I've come up with some advice to improve the next Presidential
squabble.
Bush: Don't
laugh at Gore's jokes. You sound like you just took a bong hit.
Gore:
Don't use the word reinvent. Ever.
Bush:
Don't make sniffing noises. It creates a bad impression.
Gore:
Either fully support gay and lesbian rights or lose the sibilance.
Bush:
Don't start an attack on the Clinton administration about issues
such as Prudhoe Bay, only to support it three seconds later.
Give yourself 30 seconds at least.
Gore:
Don't quote passages from the Bible. This is politics, not pro
football.
Bush:
Try not to look so stunned when Gore's quoting health care figures
from your home state. He's probably making them up anyway.
Gore:
If you're going to comb your hair like Jack Haley, at least learn
the words to "If I Only Had A Heart."
Bush:
You told entirely too many jokes near the end of the debate.
But at least you didn't say, "Hey, I'll be here all week.
Try the veal."
Gore:
You still sound like a Presbyterian minister. Could you at least
sound like a fuckin' Baptist minister? Study Jesse Jackson, boy.
Bush:
The Texas Legislature meets once every two years, not four. I
understand your confusion. They don't always tell you.
And one note for moderator Jim Lehrer:
There's no need to keep interrupting Al Gore. There are better
ways to stay awake.
Did I get any positive impressions from
the debate? Sure. They're both well-groomed and nobody vomited.
Did I see a clear-cut winner last night? Sure. The New York Mets,
6-2.
I've studied the Governor of Texas for
six years and scrutinized the VP for eight. Sometimes, the differences
between Beavis and the Tin Man seem too miniscule to matter.
But last night, I had a moment of clarity and now the choice
is clear.
I'm voting for the Ivy League-educated,
rich-kid son of a famous politician. I'm voting for junior.
* * *
STAY WITH ME PEOPLE: I've been getting e-mails that
read, "You're voting for Bush?" No, no, no. I never
said that. Let me explain. Bush went to Yale, Gore went to Harvard.
Both are sons of rich fathers. Bush is the son of ex-President
George Bush. And Gore is the son of former Senator Al Gore, Jr.
See? And they're both juniors... see? (I guess Al Gore, Sr. isn't
as famous as he said he was when we got drunk together.)
So who am I voting for? The guy I usually vote for. The guy
who needs the money. Me.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into
it, you're on your own.
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