The choice is clear

Americans are fucked up. I'm an American. Guess what?

It's not our fault. It's the government's. You see, every four years we're faced with two perplexing media events that peck at our time and nibble at our groins -- The Summer Olympics and the Presidential elections. It's too much, it's just too fuckin' much.

Two weeks ago, I dealt with the Olympics. Now I'm ready to wade through the slime of American politics. Why? I don't know. I'm confused. Maybe I need to drink more. Maybe I need to start taking drugs again.

Or maybe my readers need to get off my fucking back. (Holy shit. Where's this coming from?)

It gets worse. I can't make up my mind exactly which lying sack of shit to vote for. There's just too many lying sacks of shits these days. Lately, I've been thinking about voting for the Green Party candidate. Then turning gay. Then swallowing the gun.

I also took a close look at the Reform Party, but decided my German was too rusty. The Libertarian candidate has a certain appeal, but I still like to use some government services. Like sidewalks.

Once again, I'm stuck between an ass and a pachyderm place. So last night, I watched the debate between Al Gore and George Bush to see if I could glean some insights before the election. Sure enough, the second debate was much more informative than the first. I didn't fall asleep this time.

I still see room for improvement, though, so I've come up with some advice to improve the next Presidential squabble.

Bush: Don't laugh at Gore's jokes. You sound like you just took a bong hit.

Gore: Don't use the word reinvent. Ever.

Bush: Don't make sniffing noises. It creates a bad impression.

Gore: Either fully support gay and lesbian rights or lose the sibilance.

Bush: Don't start an attack on the Clinton administration about issues such as Prudhoe Bay, only to support it three seconds later. Give yourself 30 seconds at least.

Gore: Don't quote passages from the Bible. This is politics, not pro football.

Bush: Try not to look so stunned when Gore's quoting health care figures from your home state. He's probably making them up anyway.

Gore: If you're going to comb your hair like Jack Haley, at least learn the words to "If I Only Had A Heart."

Bush: You told entirely too many jokes near the end of the debate. But at least you didn't say, "Hey, I'll be here all week. Try the veal."

Gore: You still sound like a Presbyterian minister. Could you at least sound like a fuckin' Baptist minister? Study Jesse Jackson, boy.

Bush: The Texas Legislature meets once every two years, not four. I understand your confusion. They don't always tell you.

And one note for moderator Jim Lehrer: There's no need to keep interrupting Al Gore. There are better ways to stay awake.

Did I get any positive impressions from the debate? Sure. They're both well-groomed and nobody vomited. Did I see a clear-cut winner last night? Sure. The New York Mets, 6-2.

I've studied the Governor of Texas for six years and scrutinized the VP for eight. Sometimes, the differences between Beavis and the Tin Man seem too miniscule to matter. But last night, I had a moment of clarity and now the choice is clear.

I'm voting for the Ivy League-educated, rich-kid son of a famous politician. I'm voting for junior.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.