Is it election night?
(Or is it
Ground Hog Day)
First, a special message to all my
readers from Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Europe
and, god help me, Singapore.
If after watching this week's
election you now think the United States can be
compared to a South American banana republic, I
think it's time for you to rethink your negative
attitudes toward Colombia.
It's the media, stupid.
During the course of election
night, American TV networks first announced that Al
Gore had carried the state of Florida, then later
changed that to George W. Bush, and then finally
decided it was too close to call. As of this
writing, neither candidate has won the state of
Florida, which means the Presidential race is still
undecided.
And just to add an air of
corruption to the works, the governor of Florida
happens to be Jeb Bush, the brother of George W. Is
that an amazing coincidence or what? You
non-Americans might be suspicious, but I'm here to
tell you that Americans accept this coincidence as
readily as the lone gunman theory.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
It took all my energy to drag
myself out of the house on a rainy election night
and head downtown to ridicule the private party
being held for George W. Bush on the streets of
Austin. I got to Sixth Street about 5 p.m., but I
couldn't face the crowds without a pint or two, so I
headed for Lovejoy's Pub where I hung out with
several non-voters.
"I didn't vote," Kelly said as she
bustled into the bar. "I guess I should have voted
early, but I found out I'd have to drive all the way
to south Austin to my old precinct."
My god, I thought. That's nearly
three miles. Have a beer girl.
I had a few beers myself, which I
didn't mean to do, since I'd been on the wagon for
five days. The first two pints hit me hard, but not
as hard as the other seven. I couldn't help but
drink. I'm Irish, I'm a reporter and it was election
night. I didn't stand a chance.
A cop came into the bar for a quick
cup of espresso.
"I heard Gore took Florida," he
said.
"No shit?" I started chatting him
up, until I realized he was a cop and not a bus
driver. Then I clammed up and kept my eyes glued on
the TV. I had a wager to think about, and I didn't
feel like becoming a political prisoner.
Of course, Gore didn't win Florida
at all. The American TV networks jumped the gun. "We
can project Gore the winner of Florida," the TV
anchors said. That was later changed to, "We have to
put Florida back into the too-close-to-call
category." A few hours later that was changed to,
"We project that Bush will win Florida and be the
next President." Then it was changed to
too-close-to-call again.
Way to go, television. You have now
surpassed the Internet as the worldwide leader in
bullshit news.
The media needs to act more
responsibly and remember that there's serious
gambling money riding on these horse races. I had
placed $100 on Gore to win, but now it doesn't look
like I'll know the outcome until Ground Hog Day's
over.
"Right," the cop said. "I've got to
get back to work."
After the officer left, Chris,
Kelly's boyfriend, pointed excitedly at the
television. "Look. Hillary won for New York
Senator."
"You know, I fucked her," I said.
"That's not funny." Chris said.
Chris looks like Matthew Modine on steroids, so he
can probably kick my ass. I stared blankly at him. I
wasn't prepared for someone defending Hillary's
honor, and worse yet, he was right -- my comment
wasn't funny. It just happened to be true, so I
blurted it out. I stood on my bar stool and shouted
it out again.
"I fucked Hillary Rodham Clinton
and I don't care who knows it."
I continued to stare Chris down,
until another guy at the bar said, "Well I voted for
Nader." We all stopped talking and stared at the
guy. Then we looked at each other with the same
collective thought. "Ah, ha! A Green With Envy party
member." We grabbed the puss from his bar stool,
threw him to the ground, ripped off his shirt and
gave him a pink belly. "Welcome to the party," I
said.
For the benefit of my non-American
readers, Ralph Nader ran for President on the Green
Party ticket and had as much chance to win as you
have to bite your own ass. You can try. You can even
get people to root for you. But it isn't going to
happen.
Back at our beers, there was a nice
sidebar going down on the television. Former
Governor Mel Carnahan defeated incumbent John
Ashcroft for the Senate race in Missouri, which was
notable since Carnahan died in a plane crash a few
weeks before the election. Now Carnahan's wife will
become Senator, because Missouri law states, "When a
dead guy wins political office, his spouse will do
just fine in a pinch."
Missouri is known as the "Show Me"
state and I guess they showed us. Poor Ashcroft.
Despite running some highly successful campaigns
against the living, he now has to hear "Dead Man
Running" jokes the rest of his life.
Two beers later, the TV told me
Gore had carried California, so I figured it was
time to hit the streets. I downed my last pint of
Guinness and staggered to Congress Avenue toward the
Capitol. The crowd wasn't very large, since it was
11 p.m. on a school night, but it was big enough so
I couldn't get close enough to see the action. I
stood next to a guy wearing a baseball cap with a
balloon tied to it.
"Bush won for Governor," he said.
"What?"
"Bush won for Governor."
"You've been partying out here for
awhile, huh?"
"Bush won for Governor."
Truth is, I had had too much to
drink and my reportorial skills were somewhat
diminished. At one point, I swore I heard Wayne
Newton's voice coming over the loudspeakers, but
chalked that up to a drunken hallucination. When I
hallucinated Bo Derrick, I decided it was time to go
home.
I'd like to tell you I stayed awake
to hear the final results, but I passed out in front
of the TV about 1 a.m. Despite my soporific
shortcomings and annoying alliteration, I can
guarantee that everything reported in this column is
absolutely true.
That is, it's as true as anything
else reported on election night.
* * *
JUST SO YOU KNOW: My site and my e-mail were
both down last week, so if you tried to write me and got
bounced, that's why. Everything seems to be working fine
now.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can
read anything else into it, you're on your own.
Link(s) Of The
Week
|