Is it election night?
(Or is it Ground
Hog Day)
First, a special message to all my readers
from Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Europe and, god help me,
Singapore.
If after watching this week's election
you now think the United States can be compared to a South American
banana republic, I think it's time for you to rethink your negative
attitudes toward Colombia.
It's the media, stupid.
During the course of election night, American
TV networks first announced that Al Gore had carried the state
of Florida, then later changed that to George W. Bush, and then
finally decided it was too close to call. As of this writing,
neither candidate has won the state of Florida, which means the
Presidential race is still undecided.
And just to add an air of corruption to
the works, the governor of Florida happens to be Jeb Bush, the
brother of George W. Is that an amazing coincidence or what?
You non-Americans might be suspicious, but I'm here to tell you
that Americans accept this coincidence as readily as the lone
gunman theory.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
It took all my energy to drag myself out
of the house on a rainy election night and head downtown to ridicule
the private party being held for George W. Bush on the streets
of Austin. I got to Sixth Street about 5 p.m., but I couldn't
face the crowds without a pint or two, so I headed for Lovejoy's
Pub where I hung out with several non-voters.
"I didn't vote," Kelly said
as she bustled into the bar. "I guess I should have voted
early, but I found out I'd have to drive all the way to south
Austin to my old precinct."
My god, I thought. That's nearly three
miles. Have a beer girl.
I had a few beers myself, which I didn't
mean to do, since I'd been on the wagon for five days. The first
two pints hit me hard, but not as hard as the other seven. I
couldn't help but drink. I'm Irish, I'm a reporter and it was
election night. I didn't stand a chance.
A cop came into the bar for a quick cup
of espresso.
"I heard Gore took Florida,"
he said.
"No shit?" I started chatting
him up, until I realized he was a cop and not a bus driver. Then
I clammed up and kept my eyes glued on the TV. I had a wager
to think about, and I didn't feel like becoming a political prisoner.
Of course, Gore didn't win Florida at
all. The American TV networks jumped the gun. "We can project
Gore the winner of Florida," the TV anchors said. That was
later changed to, "We have to put Florida back into the
too-close-to-call category." A few hours later that was
changed to, "We project that Bush will win Florida and be
the next President." Then it was changed to too-close-to-call
again.
Way to go, television. You have now surpassed
the Internet as the worldwide leader in bullshit news.
The media needs to act more responsibly
and remember that there's serious gambling money riding on these
horse races. I had placed $100 on Gore to win, but now it doesn't
look like I'll know the outcome until Ground Hog Day's finally
over.
"Right," the cop said. "I've
got to get back to work."
After the officer left, Chris, Kelly's
boyfriend, pointed excitedly at the television. "Look. Hillary
won for New York Senator."
"You know, I fucked her," I
said.
"That's not funny." Chris said.
Chris looks like Matthew Modine on steroids, so he can probably
kick my ass. I stared blankly at him. I wasn't prepared for someone
defending Hillary's honor, and worse yet, he was right -- my
comment wasn't funny. It just happened to be true, so I blurted
it out. I stood on my bar stool and shouted it out again.
"I fucked Hillary Rodham Clinton
and I don't care who knows it."
I continued to stare Chris down, until
another guy at the bar said, "Well I voted for Nader."
We all stopped talking and stared at the guy. Then we looked
at each other with the same collective thought. "Ah, ha!
A Green With Envy party member." We grabbed the puss from
his bar stool, threw him to the ground, ripped off his shirt
and gave him a pink belly. "Welcome to the party,"
I said.
For the benefit of my non-American readers,
Ralph Nader ran for President on the Green Party ticket and had
as much chance to win as you have to bite your own ass. You can
try. You can even get people to root for you. But it isn't going
to happen.
Back at our beers, there was a nice sidebar
going down on the television. Former Governor Mel Carnahan defeated
incumbent John Ashcroft for the Senate race in Missouri, which
was notable since Carnahan died in a plane crash a few weeks
before the election. Now Carnahan's wife will become Senator,
because Missouri law states, "When a dead guy wins political
office, his spouse will do just fine in a pinch."
Missouri is known as the "Show Me"
state and I guess they showed us. Poor Ashcroft. Despite running
some highly successful campaigns against the living, he now has
to hear "Dead Man Running" jokes the rest of his life.
Two beers later, the TV told me Gore had
carried California, so I figured it was time to hit the streets.
I downed my last pint of Guinness and staggered to Congress Avenue
toward the Capitol. The crowd wasn't very large, since it was
11 p.m. on a school night, but it was big enough so I couldn't
get close enough to see the action. I stood next to a guy wearing
a baseball cap with a balloon tied to it.
"Bush won for Governor," he
said.
"What?"
"Bush won for Governor."
"You've been partying out here for
awhile, huh?"
"Bush won for Governor."
Truth is, I had had too much to drink
and my reportorial skills were somewhat diminished. At one point,
I swore I heard Wayne Newton's voice coming over the loudspeakers,
but chalked that up to a drunken hallucination. When I hallucinated
Bo Derrick, I decided it was time to go home.
I'd like to tell you I stayed awake to
hear the final results, but I passed out in front of the TV about
1 a.m. Despite my soporific shortcomings and annoying alliteration,
I can guarantee that everything reported in this column is absolutely
true.
That is, it's as true as anything else
reported on election night.
* * *
JUST SO YOU KNOW: My site and my e-mail were both down
last week, so if you tried to write me and got bounced, that's
why. Everything seems to be working fine now.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into
it, you're on your own.
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