The Presidential hostage
crisis
(Week three)
I read the news today, oh boy. 4,000 holes in
Blackburn, Lancastershire. And though the holes were
rather small. They had to count them all. Now they
know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
-- John Lennon
Florida. God damn Florida.
I spent the last two nights
knocking back Tequila shots and cursing Florida. My
girlfriend popped her head into my room.
"Worms for dinner again?"
"Shut the fuck up."
People, I do have other things to
write about. But I've got no choice. Florida and the
media -- check that, television and daily newspapers
-- are holding a metaphorical gun to my head. If I
don't write about what's going on in Florida and the
Presidential elections, it's likely the FBI will
cease to harass me and then where's my credibility?
For my non-American readers, yes
they're still counting votes in Florida. And yes, we
still don't know who will be President, although
that's likely to change once I post this column,
just as it always rains after I wash my car.
The Official Vote Counters have
tallied the absentee ballots, and as of this writing
George W. leads Al Gore by about 900 votes. But
lawyers for Gore are still trying to get a recount
of several counties, including Broward, Dade and
Palm Beach. Many voters in Palm Beach say they were
confused by the ballot and mistakenly voted for Pat
Buchanan.
I'd like to buy their argument, but
the people protesting are Jewish. Call me racist,
but I don't ever recall seeing that many stupid
Jewish people. Ever. If this were happening in
Appalachia, I'd be more sympathetic.
"We poked the wrong hole."
Well, I understand that happens
quite a bit in Appalachia.
Look. I also went to the polling
place intending to vote for Gore. And I also wound
up voting for Buchanan. Why? Because it's fuckin'
funny, that's why. I live in Texas. I could have
voted for a rubber chicken on the far side of Mars
and Bush would have still carried the state. So why
not screw up all the demographics and vote for
Buchanan?
One thing's clear from all the
ballot recounting in Florida: Ralph Nader lost.
Not everyone in Florida is a
lunatic, mind you. It seems to only affect certain
counties and only certain people in those counties.
A CNN reporter interviewed the Elections Supervisor
Jane Carroll in Broward County, a crusty,
no-nonsense, older broad. She seemed impeccably
sane.
CNN Reporter: I understand you've been supervising
elections for 32 years now.
Jane Carroll: Yep. And I guess I should have
quit after 31.
Now that's the best line I've heard
yet. On television, that is. For pure irony, though,
talk radio is still the best.
"You know what the problem is?" one
talk show host says. "It's the damn liberal media."
Wait a minute. Isn't radio part of
the media? I can understand his confusion, because
with the exception of America's NPR, radio is a
zealously conservative bunch. You wouldn't see Rush
Limbaugh and Dr. Laura getting their starts on TV or
newspapers. Radio is the natural breeding ground for
the right-wing lunatic. Even American sports radio
is conservative.
"So who do you like in Saturday
night's game?"
"Florida State and Bush."
The chain of events in Florida
gives me nightmares. Not because of the situation,
but because Gore chose former Secretary of State
Warren Christopher to do his dirty work. All my
fears of growing old are etched in this man's face.
If you don't know what Christopher looks like,
visualize a garden gnome. Or a wax figurine of
Ronald Reagan left out in the sun too long. Or a
Keebler elf on acid.
And to make matters worse, Bush
supporters in Austin are now wearing band aids on
their right cheeks in a show of solidarity. There's
never been a better time in history to swear off
psychedelic drugs. What's the fuckin' point?
Please, Florida, choose a
President. It doesn't matter to me who it is, since
it couldn't possibly make any difference. After all,
Reagan was President for four years and his wife
Nancy was President the next four, so it's not like
any one person has the power to screw things up.
John Hinkley affected the country more than Reagan
ever did.
And Florida, if you need an
incentive, I've got one for you: Oregon. The more
you guys screw around in Florida, the more you let
Oregon off the hook. Think about it. While the
entire world is making fun of Florida, the real
jerk-offs in Oregon have emerged unscathed.
Oregon's vote is also too close to
call. But no one's taking a close look at that
state. If they did, here's what they would find:
Oregon boasts a large gay
community.
Oregon boasts a large gay-bashing community.
Oregon is filled with
environmentalists
Oregon is filled with clear-cutting loggers.
Oregon supports many liberals.
Oregon supports many rednecks.
If not united by a relentless
hatred of all things Californian, the people in
Oregon would have killed each other off a long time
ago. Oregon is America's own private Palestine, and
this could have been revealed to the world during
this election, but noooooooo. Florida upstaged
Oregon and the rest of the country once again.
Come on, Florida. You've had your
fun. We put up with you when you gave us the Cuban
alien Elian crisis. We've endured your tax-spending
hurricanes for years. We've patiently allowed you to
host way too many pro football teams (and not a
Super Bowl winner among them). Enough's enough.
Don't make me write about you
again.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can
read anything else into it, you're on your own.
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