The Presidential hostage crisis
(Week three)
I read the news today, oh boy. 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancastershire.
And though the holes were rather small. They had to count them
all. Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert
Hall.
-- John Lennon
Florida. God damn Florida.
I spent the last two nights knocking back
Tequila shots and cursing Florida. My girlfriend popped her head
into my room.
"Worms for dinner again?"
"Shut the fuck up."
People, I do have other things to write
about. But I've got no choice. Florida and the media -- check
that, television and daily newspapers -- are holding a metaphorical
gun to my head. If I don't write about what's going on in Florida
and the Presidential elections, it's likely the FBI will cease
to harass me and then where's my credibility?
For my non-American readers, yes they're
still counting votes in Florida. And yes, we still don't know
who will be President, although that's likely to change once
I post this column, just as it always rains after I wash my car.
The Official Vote Counters have tallied
the absentee ballots, and as of this writing George W. leads
Al Gore by about 900 votes. But lawyers for Gore are still trying
to get a recount of several counties, including Broward, Dade
and Palm Beach. Many voters in Palm Beach say they were confused
by the ballot and mistakenly voted for Pat Buchanan.
I'd like to buy their argument, but the
people protesting are Jewish. Call me racist, but I don't ever
recall seeing that many stupid Jewish people. Ever. If this were
happening in Appalachia, I'd be more sympathetic.
"We poked the wrong hole."
Well, I understand that happens quite
a bit in Appalachia.
Look. I also went to the polling place
intending to vote for Gore. And I also wound up voting for Buchanan.
Why? Because it's fuckin' funny, that's why. I live in Texas.
I could have voted for a rubber chicken on the far side of Mars
and Bush would have still carried the state. So why not screw
up all the demographics and vote for Buchanan?
One thing's clear from all the ballot
recounting in Florida: Ralph Nader lost.
Not everyone in Florida is a lunatic,
mind you. It seems to only affect certain counties and only certain
people in those counties. A CNN reporter interviewed the Elections
Supervisor Jane Carroll in Broward County, a crusty, no-nonsense,
older broad. She seemed impeccably sane.
CNN Reporter: I understand you've been supervising elections for
32 years now.
Jane Carroll: Yep. And I guess I should have quit after
31.
Now that's the best line I've heard yet.
On television, that is. For pure irony, though, talk radio is
still the best.
"You know what the problem is?"
one talk show host says. "It's the damn liberal media."
Wait a minute. Isn't radio part of the
media? I can understand his confusion, because with the exception
of America's NPR, radio is a zealously conservative bunch. You
wouldn't see Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura getting their starts
on TV or newspapers. Radio is the natural breeding ground for
the right-wing lunatic. Even American sports radio is conservative.
"So who do you like in Saturday night's
game?"
"Florida State and Bush."
The chain of events in Florida gives me
nightmares. Not because of the situation, but because Gore chose
former Secretary of State Warren Christopher to do his dirty
work. All my fears of growing old are etched in this man's face.
If you don't know what Christopher looks like, visualize a garden
gnome. Or a wax figurine of Ronald Reagan left out in the sun
too long. Or a Keebler elf on acid.
And to make matters worse, Bush supporters
in Austin are now wearing band aids on their right cheeks in
a show of solidarity. There's never been a better time in history
to swear off psychedelic drugs. What's the fuckin' point?
Please, Florida, choose a President. It
doesn't matter to me who it is, since it couldn't possibly make
any difference. After all, Reagan was President for four years
and his wife Nancy was President the next four, so it's not like
any one person has the power to screw things up. John Hinkley
affected the country more than Reagan ever did.
And Florida, if you need an incentive,
I've got one for you: Oregon. The more you guys screw around
in Florida, the more you let Oregon off the hook. Think about.
While the entire world is making fun of Florida, the real jerk-offs
in Oregon have emerged unscathed.
Oregon's vote is also too close to call.
But no one's taking a close look at that state. If they did,
here's what they would find:
Oregon boasts a large gay community.
Oregon boasts a large gay-bashing community.
Oregon is filled with environmentalists
Oregon is filled with clear-cutting loggers.
Oregon supports many liberals.
Oregon supports many rednecks.
If not united by a relentless hatred of
all things Californian, the people in Oregon would have killed
each other off a long time ago. Oregon is America's own private
Palestine, and this could have been revealed to the world during
this election, but noooooooo. Florida upstaged Oregon and the
rest of the country once again.
Come on, Florida. You've had your fun.
We put up with you when you gave us the Cuban alien Elian crisis.
We've endured your tax-spending hurricanes for years. We've patiently
allowed you to host way too many pro football teams (and not
a Super Bowl winner among them). Enough's enough.
Don't make me write about you again.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into
it, you're on your own.
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